one door closes..

Ugh.
I don't actually even know where to begin to explain the situation that is currently plaguing my mind, but I will do my best. You see, last year at this very time, an important friendship in my life was coming to a close. My friend turned into someone that I no longer recognized, and it came to a point where the drama she was adding to my life was more than I could handle with everything ELSE going on in my life at the time (see: my mom's cancer & my husband's deployment). At the time, I made the conscious decision to walk away from that situation and her.

I have not ever regretted my decision; because, I know I did what I had to do at the time for MYSELF. I have, however, missed my friend. a lot. So, I wrote her an email this October and basically said I hoped she was well, I will always care about her, and I was sorry we weren't able to be there *for each other* when we were both going through a tough time.

She did not write back. I was not surprised, but I was glad I wrote the email anyway for my own closure. Well... yesterday (two months after my initial email) I received something in my inbox from her. It was surprising how little it affected me. Her words didn't surprise me either. Basically she said that I abandoned her when she needed me and I treated her like she was a disease.. and that it was obvious that I never needed her in my life since I was doing fine in my life. and bla bla bla. *ugh.

So, I wrote back and told her that I wasn't proud of my actions, but that if I had to do it all over again, I would do the exact same thing. I said I did what I had to do at the time for myself, and that's life. I said no, she was right, I NEVER needed her, but friendship isn't about (nor should it be) need.. it's about want. I wanted her friendship in my life. I said I missed her and that it's a true tragedy in my life to have lost the person who I once considered to be my best friend. I told her she can hate me forever if she wants, that's her choice. and I hope that she has a nice christmas.

She wrote back and said, "it's ok, i'm not tripping over it. have a nice christmas" -- It was after THAT message that I got mad. angry. pissed off. If I thought it would do any good I would have called and yelled at her. Instead, I just wrote back and said "I don't understand your or your strange message." I said, "but I don't know what I expected anyway since yes, I miss the person you were but I don't think you are that person anymore, nor have you been for quite a while." I said, "You say you don't care about any of this, yet in your last email you blamed me, (and all of our other friends) for turning our backs on you -- but I want you to take a minute and remember how things really went because you were the one who turned your back on us first." I said, "I am truly sad about everything that has happened, and i am not afraid to admit it." and I said, "but what's done is done.. you're right.. and we can't change it.. so have a wonderful life."

and that.. for me.. was the final closing of the door. I'm over it. I wish she could be the person I remember her to be, but she is not. I wish she could see role that she has played. I wish she could have been there for me when I needed her to be, and I do wish I could have been there for her when she needed me. But, none of these things happened; therefore, what's done is done. We couldn't be friends again even if we both wanted it very badly. Sad, but true.

So. goodbye Holly. The Holly I knew was the person who built herself into something from nothing. I was amazed by that Holly. but, the Holly you are now is a Holly who feels the need to destroy everything good in your life. I'm so sorry that is how it is, but it is. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I will always miss the person you were and the friendship we had.

It feels like home to me..

Yesterday, after a half day of chaos, sugar, and presents I closed my classroom doors for the entirety of two weeks! What a RELIEF! If anyone has earned her Christmas vacation this year, it is ME. The end of the "2007" school year was a very nice one. Monday night our school had a Candlelight Advent Ceremony in church, which was absolutely beautiful. Sitting there in that church, waving hello to all of the parents and watching my students shine in the spotlight, I couldn't help but think how very lucky I am. Yesterday after school, the teachers and staff met up with the Parish staff for a large Christmas lunch at PF Changs. Due to a shortage of seats, I ended up sitting where I never normally would, right next to the associate pastor! Being grilled by the pastor (ok, he wasn't grilling, but he was certainly curious about me!) I just kept praying that he wouldn't ask me what my parish priests' names are and "out" me for my poor attendance in my "home" parish. (oops! Note to self: New Years Resolution = stop being lazy and get your butt to church on Sundays!)

It was lovely to chat with the priest and hug goodbye all of the ladies and men that I've known now for 1.5 years. On my drive home, that feeling of "I am lucky" came floating back to me. After 3 years of "temporary-ness", feeling like I belong somewhere is priceless. That's the reason that even though the school that I work for is imperfect, and I often complain.. I probably won't be packing up my desk any time soon. I will stay at SMA because there I feel like I belong, I feel comfortable. It feels like home. This is also why, though I say I will roll with the punches no matter what, I desperately pray that Hubby be allowed to stay in SoCal for at least a few more years. I've just now settled in roots. SoCal is home to me now, and I am not yet ready to give that up.

..............
Anyway.
With my hair newly cut and dyed, my bags half-packed, and my dogs going to the kennel today, I am more than ready to say "sionara" to this home and head to my childhood home for the holidays! I'm so excited to be back East that I can hardly stand it. This Christmas IS going to be amazing. :)

Christmas Past & Christmas Present

Last night I dropped my husband off at the airport for a week of fun on the East Coast with his life-long best friend before I join him for Christmas with my family in Pennsylvania. It was a strange thing, dropping him off for a week. I was sad to see him go, and though you might think that after a seven month deployment a week on my own would be no sweat, that isn't really the case. It's not the being alone part that bugs me. It's the DOING EVERYTHING alone part that is getting to me. I had a hard time agreeing to my husband's plans... not because I would miss him unbearably for the week that he was gone.. but.. because I was TIRED of doing things on my own. I've already dealt with taking my dogs to the kennel on my own, preparing the house for a long departure, and driving to the airport by myself to get on a plane. Now that my husband is finally on the same continent as me, I'd like for him to help me out with these burdens. But, alas, wanting my husband to take the dogs to the kennel with me is a poor reason not to let him enjoy a week with his best friend.. so off he went.

This Christmas I find myself more excited than usual. There is a lot to celebrate this year. Things are going really well for me as a teacher.. I have grown leaps and bounds since last year in my understanding and relationship with the students. Michael is finally home, and I know that I am so blessed to be spending the holidays with him. My nephew is getting bigger and cuter by the second, and I just absolutely cannot wait to spend time with him and let him entertain me! And, most importantly, my mom is strong and well and the Christmas of last year seems like a foggy memory these days.

Last Christmas was a tough one. My mom had told me on the phone a few weeks before that she had found a mysterious lump and was having it checked. My parents picked us up from the airport on Christmas eve, and in the car on the way home my mom told us that her suspicious lump was indeed cancer. It was a difficult thing to digest at first. Christmas was a sad and scary time. My mom was noticably upset/worried/shaken. It was good for the family to be together, and in our own way, it was a very special Christmas, one that I'm sure none of us will soon forget. The moment when reality really sunk in, though, was when a family friend who is an oncologist stopped by to talk to my mom about what to expect. The "immediate" family sat in on the talk.. (actually, in retrospect, I think that my brother chose not to be there). I was shocked when he said that because of the chemo she would lose her hair. Not that losing hair is even nearly as bad as having cancer, but I guess that physical representation of the disease struck me and helped it to really become "real". The night before Hubby and I got on the plane to fly back to San Diego, I went to bed early and cried.... and cried.... and cried... and cried.....and cried................. and cried.... (i think you get the picture). The tears just wouldn't stop coming. I'm not sure I've ever cried for so long before. I just couldn't stop. I think Hubby was a little freaked out by it because there was nothing he could do. I would seem to calm down, but any show of affection from him set me off into even bigger sobs. It's always hard for me to leave home, but last year in particular, I felt so incredibly guilty about leaving.

This year, we have my mom's restored health to celebrate. Whereas last year Christmas was a unifying, strenghtening experience for our family. This year, I hope it will be unifying in a more joyous way.

stress

I believe that this week may possibly have been the most stressful week of my life.. ever. In reality, probably not, but it sure felt that way at the time. This week consisted of 1) parent/teacher conferences (always a joy), 2) the dreaded Fine Arts Performance 3) Progress Reports 4) Getting ready for an overnight retreat with my students 5) a big project coming in from both Grammar 7 and Grammar 8 students 6) A mandatory "fun" event with Hubby's squadron.. (I'm sure that you can guess that Hubby and I did not have a lot of "fun")

Let's begin with Parent/teacher conferences. In this department, I consider myself to be incredibly lucky. I've decided that I must seem too nice for any parent to give me a hard time....considering that I have yet to hear a single comlplaint from a parent that wasn't directed at another teacher. It's either that, or I'm perfect...(which as much as I'd like to believe.. I know in my heart of hearts is not true) So. Though parent/teacher conferences are time consuming and stressful (How exactly do you tell a parent that their child is failing every class and a terrible person without sounding too harsh, anyway?? I still haven't figured that one out), I managed to get out of them alive... but VERY tired. I may have set a world record by going to bed on Wednesday night at 7:00 pm. I was just THAT exhauasted.

Ah. The DREADED Fine Arts performance. Along with being a regular classroom teacher, I (the person with zero drama experience and absolutely NO CREATIVE ABILITIES) am the drama teacher at SMA. This year, a team of teachers got together and decided to re-vamp the Fine Arts department and thus music and drama converged to create a show that was my complete and utter despair for the whole of 3 months. I cannot tell you the sleepless nights that I had over this fine arts performance. There were times that I believed that if it weren't for fine arts my life would be easy breezy and carefree. But alas, amidst all else, this week was THE FINE ARTS PERFORMANCE. Somehow, someway, I managed to pull a performance out of my ass. I even somehow managed to put up a cute backdrop with the help of a couple of very eager and artistic 8th graders the day before the performance. I am certain that no one in the audience was any the wiser that that backdrop (or lack thereof) was what woke me up in panicked sweats at night.. nope.. I'm sure that no one in the audience had any idea that up until 2 minutes before I grabbed those 8th graders (the day before the performance) and put them to work, I actually had NO IDEA what I was going to do for a back drop for the performance. But, anyway, the performance was a hit. The kids did well, somehow I managed to look like I might not actually be THE worst drama teacher ever, and the Principal even told me afterwards that she wants the kids to do a repeat performance for the parents during Catholic Schools Week. That was a shocker for me. Maybe I'm not as completely uncreative and talentless as I had previously believed. Maybe I do have something going for me afterall. I can only hope that is the case :)

Progress reports, big projects in grammar 7 & grammar 8, and preparing for an overnight retreat with my students are all very boring, yet time consuming events. So, I will not bore you with the details here. Just know.. I was a chicken with my head cut off this week, and the fact that I actually managed to remember to do everything I was supposed to is nothing short of a miracle. (Thank you, God!)

Which leads me to the Mandatory Fun event with the squadron. Standing in the same room with and feigning politeness to some of these squadron people was a bit like the feeling you get when someone scratches their fingernails on a chalkboard. It makes you shudder. It was slightly painful, but mostly, I just zoned out of the experience. I shook hands, introduced myself to the people I'd yet to meet, I chit-chatted with those I already know. I even shook hands with the evil Major who ruined my husband's life. I kept myself polite, yet detached. I wasn't about to stoop to the level of fake with this man. I said, "Hi, I'm sarah" and when he said, "I think I've met you before" I said, "Maybe. I don't remember". And that was that.

I admit, I didn't actually listen to what anyone said to me that night. Inside all I could think was, "I don't care about you people. You people are no longer part of my life." Sad, but true. As soon as the formal presentation was over and I was able to zone out from listening to each person babbling on about what an amazing squadron this is(it was either zone out or roll my eyes and make evil faces.. I chose to zone out), Hubby and I said goodbye to the people we saw on our way to the door, and made our exit. I have no qualms about it. There's no reason why we should feel the need or desire to socialize with those people. We went out for appetizers and drinks with our friends (who have similar feelings towards the squadron) and had a grand old time.

And so ended my most stressful week ever. It ended on a decent note, and for that, I am thankful.

the latest.

Adapting to married life again after such a long separation wasn't all applie pie and smiley faces. It was a little bit more difficult than I had previously anticipated. The first two days went on without a hitch. We were two blissful lovebirds, bushy-tailed and rosey cheeked. Then, reality set in. And... We... Argued. We argued about everything.. and anything.. that we could possibly think to argue about. It was an interesting time. We went from one extreme (perfect blissfulness) to another extreme (perfect hell) until we figured out how to meet somewhere in the middle and function as a married couple again. I don't know how honest most couples are about these things, but I can only imagine that what we experienced was very typical. You can't expect to spend 7 months living a life apart and then converge upon a perfect relationship. It is something that has to be worked for. I am proud to declare, however, that we managed to figure things out and work through our troubles. That's what makes us such a wonderful couple. :)

In other news, My husband's future in the Marine Corps is no longer a COMPLETE mystery. He spoke with his XO a few days before Thanksgiving and found out that instead of going before this FFPB board (which could result it the loss of his wings and/or an adverse fit rep - which would make advancing beyond Captain nearly impossible) he had the option of requesting an MOS (career) change. If he did this, he would a) keep his wings and b) not have to worry about receiving an adverse fit rep. So, My husband, being the intelligent person that he is, decided that the voluntary MOS change would be the best way for him to go. He found out a few days ago that his voluntary MOS change has been approved, and now he simply has to begin deciding how he would like to continue his military career. Our number one priority right now is to stay in SoCal at all costs. Luckily, there are two accessible Marine Corps bases from our house.. Miramar & Camp Pendleton. Camp Pendleton would be a little bit of a commute (30-40 minutes) ; however, it's better than having to attempt to sell our house in a housing market that has bottomed out. We are crossing our fingers and saying our prayers and just hoping for the best.

Besides all that.... I broke my toe. That's right, you heard me. I.. Broke.. My... Toe. I slipped on our wooden floor last night and took a nasty spill that left me with a broken toe. Hubby denies that it is broken; however, my response to that is, "it's not YOUR toe, how would you know if it's broken or not?" -- :O)

AND... drum roll please... The pool man finally came today and our pump is back in working order! Hallelujah!

Until next time....

Home at Last!

Tuesday morning at 2:00 am I woke to a phone call from my husband. He was in Ireland, on his way home. I didn't get back to sleep after that phone call; I was too busy tossing and turning with the knot in my stomach growing bigger and bigger. I made sure to keep busy all day long. Mike was predicted to arrive at 5:45 pm which meant a LONG day for me. I vacuumed my car, cleaned my car, got an oil change in my car, went grocery shopping, prepared food, and when I was finished with all of these tasks it was time to take a shower and get ready.

I followed another military wife on base to the flight terminal where the plane would be landing and was shocked when I walked into the building! There were people... hundreds of people, metal detectors, refreshments. The place was abuzz with excitement. We all stood in this large room for about 15 minutes before the doors opened and they allowed us to walk out onto the runway. Outside, there was a Marine Corps band playing patriotic tunes. People were waving American flags and Welcome Home signs.. news cameras were flashing their bright lights in people's faces, and we watched.. and waited.. for the plane to make its appearance on the scene. I saw a girl about 12 holding a sign that said "Welcome Home, Dad, you're my HERO" -- which brought a momentary wave of the possibility of breaking down into tears -- but I managed to quickly recover. There was no time to be sentimental; I was too busy watching for that damn plane!!!

When the plane finally made its appearance onto the scene, it was as if we had just spotted Superman flying in the sky. People yelled, "There it is!!" and everyone let out a loud cheer! The plane opened its doors and Marines started to pile out. I watched anxiously as I noticed one face after another that I did not recognize. Finally, I saw some of my friends' husbands walking all together and I yelled to them that there were their husbands.. and off they ran to greet them. Meanwhile, I still waited, searching each face. As each moment passed without success, I began to become a little unsure of myself, "What if I didn't recognize him?" And then, there he was. Was there anything about him that took me by surprise? Yes. His walk. I had forgotten that he moved in a way that was truly unique to only him.

It wasn't exactly how I had imagined it. I had to push through the people to get to him.. it seemed like forever after I spotted him before I was actually next to him. We didn't say anything; we just hugged, and then kissed. and then hugged again. When we finally made it back to the car, it was as if someone did a huge rewind in my life and we were back right where we started seven months ago. It's strange how seven months of my life that at times seemed so neverending and heartwrenching could be so easily forgotten. I guess it's kind of like how a mother feels after childbirth. Childbirth is painful and difficult, but when the mother sees her baby all thoughts of pain are washed away and all she sees is her beautiful baby. That's how it was with me. All that crap that went on over those seven months, all the tears that I shed, all those moments of heartache and loneliness were gone. erased. forgotten. And what was left was my husband and me driving home in our Jeep talking, laughing. Completely in sinc, completely comfortable, completely happy. :)

Counting Down

It seems as though I blinked my eyes and found myself here. Where is here? Here is the ability to count the HOURS until my reunion with my husband. As with all things in my life lately, this, too, seems surreal. I don't yet fully believe that I will be hugging him in the near future.. but there is certainly a part of me that believes it. Or, atleast, believes something is going to be happening in the near future. I know this because I have this constant anxious knot in the pit of my stomach. This is the knot that keeps me from sleeping in in the morning (boo!).

I was talking to a fellow wife today, and she was telling me the woes of all the different wives rushing around to prepare for the homecoming. And, I said, "We've had 7 months to prepare for this day, yet somehow it managed to sneak up on us anyway." The truth of it is that it was the fires. Time sped by and life picked up and before I knew it I was receiving a call from my husband telling me he had officially left Iraqi soil. If I think about that too long and too hard, I'm sure to start crying. But, I don't seem to have time for tears at the moment.. so I will just rejoice in the knowledge that he will be home with me soon.

Life is a crazy thing. Seven months at times seemed neverending. But, now, looking back, it doesn't seem that seven months could possibly have passed since I hugged him goodbye in April.

Going into this deployment, I was most afraid of living this life alone. And while it certainly has been no picnic, I have found that strength that I hoped I would. I believe I have changed.. and grown.. a great deal over these months. I believe Hubby has as well. For the past 6 years (and then some) we have done all of our growing together. This was an interesting time where we did that growing apart. We both faced challenges of great magnitude that we were forced to deal with on our own terms. When he comes home, I have no doubt that we will easily pick up where we left off and continue our growing together once more.

I wonder if I will cry when I hug him for the first time. I wonder if there will be anything about him that I had briefly forgotten, anything that will take me by surprise at first. I wonder if he will look different to me.. I wonder if he will sound different.. I wonder if there will be a new word that he uses often... or a new joke that he likes to laugh about. I wonder if we will have so many things to say that we won't know where to begin.. I wonder if we will just automatically fall into our normal relationship or if things will be "polite" for a little while. I wonder so many things. I am so filled with excitement and anxiousness. I am ready for this homecoming though, so very ready.

So what if the pool is still black, the grass needs mowed, and the cars need washed. I have a feeling that there could be trash all over the floor and dirty laundry hanging from the lights and Hubby wouldn't even notice. He will be so excited to be back at his home with his dogs and his wife that nothing else will matter. :O)

Back to Reality..

It's actually almost completely unbelievable that it was only just about a week ago that this whole thing with the fires began. This week has been a strange one. It's pretty much a whirlwind of mixed up thoughts and memories all running together in my head. It was a distraction from real life, but now that the shock of the fires is wearing off I'm beginning to see that my reality has not changed.

It's been a little bit difficult for my husband to be there for me through all of this.. because he's so engulfed in the enormity of what is happening to him over there in Iraq. He's not doing well. So, though two weeks seems like nothing.. I think it will feel like an eternity for him before he arrives back home.. and possibly for me too.

agiharoygatq9-8y45qoitha;ldghad. <-----There's an idea of what is going on in my head right now. It's a gobblety goop of thoughts and ideas mixing together coming to no intelligent conclusions. I don't know what is going to happen to us. I don't know what Mike will be like when he returns. I'm afraid of what the terribleness of this whole experience has done to him. But, as with all things, only time will tell.

At this point, he just needs to be home and we need to start figuring out where we go from here.

2007 Southern Cali Fires

Because I am still a little bit in shock, instead of attempting to get my thoughts out of my head and analyzing the events of the past 72 hours, I am simply going to post a couple of the emails that I sent out to family and friends. But, I do want to say that I have the deepest regard and respect for those firefighters who have worked tirelessly to get these fires under control. Also, my heart breaks for those people who have lost their homes to these horrible fires.

Email #1 Sent on Tuesday, 10/23
Hey All,
I know my mom has been sending out updates for some of you, but I thought it might be nice to let you all know that I'm not just alive I'm actually doing OK. It's been a LONG two days for me... I was watching some tv around 9:30 pm on Sunday night when an emergency announcement came on about the fires. Up until that point, oblivious as I am, I had no idea what was going on. I talked to a friend on the phone and while I was talking I thought I smelled smoke. I told her it must have been in my head, but she said it probably wasn't. So, I walked outside.... and was scared to death by the strong winds and smoke-filled atmosphere. As the night went on, the smoke and winds got worse, and I started to pack my bags. I also prepared lesson plans for school the next day and emailed them to my principal "Just in case" (since I live 30 miles from where I work the fires that I was experiencing were not affecting them at that time)-- I tried to stay up late, but ended up taking a two hour nap and setting my alarm so that I could wake up to see how conditions were. Things were moving really fast and I knew that in a matter of hours things could change dramatically.

In those two hours that I was sleeping the fires went from 2 fires to 8 fires, and the northeast part of my town was being evacuated. I got on 3-way with some friends of mine whose husbands are in Iraq with Hubby. We decided to meet up at the one girl's house who lived only about 10 miles away from me but right next to the highway. I spoke to Hubby and he told me it was OK if I left the bmw, as I felt most comfortable driving the Acura. We decided that the most important thing was for me to feel comfortable and to be safe. I left the house in a rush with two crazy dogs and two big bags.. and called my mom to tell her I had left. I was panicked but still thought I was "OK" until I opened my mouth to tell her I had left.. at which point I was sobbing so hard I could not speak. I feel bad for her in that moment of not knowing what was going on; because, I couldn't get my words out. That was the hardest part of all of this... a moment I probably will never forget. Walking out of my house with my most valuable possessions (some important papers, some wedding pictures, and my dogs) was the hardest thing I've ever had to do to date.

As soon as I arrived at my friend's house, I immediately felt better. I think the hardest part was being alone. Hubby had called and was trying to give me advice on where to go and what to do, but that couldn't make up for the fact that the decisions were mine alone to make and that was a frightening thing. My friend and I hung out a her house for about another two hours. We got in touch with another wife whose husband is deployed with Hubby who lives in La Jolla. She was kind enough to take the two of us and my TWO dogs in at her house. She is truly my guardian angel right now, and when this is all said and done I do NOT know how to thank her adequately.

Yesterday we literally spent our day glued to the tv. I am not exaggerating when I say that the couch where I was sitting had an imprint of my butt on it since I barely moved all day. It is a surreal feeling.. unbelievable most of the time. I can't yet even fathom the idea of beginning to think about not having a house to go home to.

The fact of the matter is, though, that I have no idea what is going on in my neighborhood right now. And on top of that, it really doesn't matter. If I lose my house, I have decided, it is just a house. The things inside are just things. That's easy to say, but a little more difficult to believe when it could be a reality..but I am in a place right now where I do believe it. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right? I am thankful for these friends that I am with. I am thankful to be here in a safe place. I am thankful to have my dogs with me. And, I am thankful that Mike will be home with me soon. In some ways, I am actually thankful that he is NOT here during this; because, if he was he might have to be one of the helicopters flying over those fires and dropping water. That is an unsafe place to be, and We (the wives) have decided that at this point we think they are much safer in Iraq.

So. That's what I know. Thanks for your supportive emails. I appreciate them.

Love, Sarah

Email #2 sent on Wednesday, 10/24
I thought you would all like to know that I am safe and sound at home with my dogs and all my worldly possessions in tact. This morning when I woke up the news said that my town was opened up. So, I went to breakfast with my fellow evacuees, then packed myself back up and headed home.

On my way, one of my friends who had already headed for home called me from my neighborhood. She had driven there to make sure that everything was OK at my house. She verified that it was and that there were people around. As I drove into the town it was bustling; there was lots of traffic on the road. This made me feel good; because, my fear was that I would arrive into a ghost town.

Copper and Ramsey knew we were home before I turned onto our street. They were SO excited to be back! My neighborhood is fine, and besides the soot, palms, branches, and other debris littering the ground you would have no idea that anything out of the ordinary had just happened here. I have yard debris but nothing terrible. Both of the cars I left here are perfectly fine, and my house even smelled good when I walked in (because in my rush to get out I left my air conditioning on by accident.. which I wasn't supposed to do.. but it filtered the smoke out of my house anyway). The ONLY thing that is going to cause me trouble is the fact that my pool is black from all the soot that has been flying around here.

At this point, I think my adrenaline has come to its end, and I am feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. I am so totally and completely beyond thankful that my little piece of the world is ok, and that Mike will be coming home to his HOME. I also can't be thankful enough for the group of ladies that went through this ordeal with me. Military wives as a whole are the strongest and most amazing group of people that I have ever met. We band together and take care of each other, and that is an amazing thing. I also feel proud of myself for handling things calmly and rationally. Other than my breakdown after leaving my house, I was able to stay positive and unpanicked through it all. And, while I'm making acknowledgements, I have to say that my dogs are the world's most amazing dogs. They have been through so much in their short little lives from evacuating from hurricanes, moving across the country, living in a hotel, to evacuating for fires. They are troopers through and through.

I don't really know how to put my feelings about this experience into words. I haven't really had a chance yet to step back from it and realize the enormity of it. Being a military wife for 3 years has taught me how to live in the "moment" really well, so that is what I have been doing. On Monday night, though, I fully believed that I might lose my house, and I was forced to come to terms with that. And, after mapquesting some of the burned houses in my area and seeing that they are only 5 miles from my house.. I know that it truly was a real possibility. The thought of that is beyond comprehension. And then to come back to a house today that is still standing and even still smells good is so unreal and strange.. and amazing all at the same time.

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts, prayers, emails, and phone calls.

I think I'm going to take a nap :O)
Love,
Sarah

emotions

Last night I went to a farewell party for one of the people in the squadron that will be relieving Hubby. They leave in the next few days. It was a weird experience for me for a couple of reasons. First of all, it was sentimental for me. I was surrounded by the aviation world. My world... or, what might possibly be my world of the past. Not that I have made the best of friends in this world or anything, but I have certainly created a circle. As a helicopter pilot, Hubby and I are surrounded by this world of people that we have known for the last 3 years. Some of these people have been recurring characters in our lives, some of these people friends of friends of friends.. but still.. it's a circle, a comradery. It was weird for me to think that very soon Hubbyand I may not be part of this small population of the world any longer. *sigh. This is why I said in one of my previous posts that I feel like someone died.. but that's not really what I meant. What I meant is that I am in mourning. I am grieving for life as I know it. It sounds strange to admit, but as crazy as the aviation life is, it is actually predictable in its unpredictability. :O)

Thoughts about a reunion

Hmm..
Well, these days I find myself in much brighter spirits than I was in while writing my most recent posts. I attribute this to the fact that there is finally LIGHT at the end of that long, black tunnel. My husband's return is now LESS than a month away. I recently attended a Return and Reunion brief held on base. It was an interesting experience that had me feeling strangely emotional. In fact, if I'm going to be honest, it took everything in me not to burst into tears. Not sad tears, just emotional tears. This whole experience certainly has been an emotional rollercoaster ride.

Anyway. The woman who gave the brief put some excellent thoughts into my head for which I will probably be forever grateful. She said not to expect TOO much out of that reunion. She said don't expect your marine to look like Tom Cruise stepping off that plane. She said don't be offended if your spouse doesn't notice the new dress you have on or the fact that you lost 10 pounds. She said not to come to the reunion with expectations, just let it be what it is. I am really glad that she said this, because I actually HAD been playing the reunion over and over in my head.. and I can only imagine that if things weren't as poetic and romantic as in my daydreams, I would have been thoroughly disappointed. She said that our marine will not be so interested in what make up we have on or how we decorated the house for their return. They'll simply be overjoyed to see us and to BE home. She also warned us of that transition of being a couple again. And as much as I probably will deny it, I suppose it could be true that I have actually become accustomed to my life alone. Adding him to the equation might not be as easy as it sounds. It's a good thing to simply be aware of this so that I can be prepared for whatever obstacles arrive in our path.

In the end, I feel certain that I do know one thing for sure about our reunion. I will never forget the moment, when walking down the aisle to meet Hubby at the altar on our wedding day, our eyes first met. At the moment, I was filled with such overwhelming love and emotion. I have no doubt that as he steps off that (bus or plane.. or whatever it is he will be "stepping off of") the same overwhelming feelings of love and emotion will hit me. It's the thought of that very moment that gets me through these last few weeks with a smile on my face.

:O)

fall is descending...

Fall is descending upon the city of San Diego.. and with it a shadow seems to be edging its way into my brain. I don't know why, but with this cold weather brings low spirits for me. 5 1/2 months away from my husband now and these days it seems to only get harder.. not easier. Maybe things would be easier for me if my husband's future and career were not uncertain.. but they are.. so with the normal anxieties of having a husband deployed come extra anxieties of what the future will hold for us. I know I shouldn't be thinking about these things, but every time I talk to him he seems to only bear bad news... or a crushed spirit. So, talking to him now becomes a burden rather than a joy. I hate this f***ing "war". I hate it so much.

There goes my ever optimistic self.

Optimism is too tiring these days. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm overwhelmed. These days, I am anything but optimistic.

relinquish all control

When we first moved here, we were told that Hubby's deployments would be pretty regular. We were told that he would be deploying for 7 months, returning home for a year, deploying for 7 months, and so on and so forth. Recently, the word came down from those powers that be, that due to shortages in helicopter pilots, Michael might have to deploy again only 5 months after his return home. This is one of those things that I have briefly considered. The key word there being.. BRIEFLY. In my heart of hearts, I will acknowledge the fact that it will kill me if my husband has to return to Iraq so soon after returning and that my heart will break over having to spend two Southern California summers in a row alone. However, if there is one things that I have learned from being a Marine Corps wife for 3 years, it's that whatever is going to happen IS going to happen and it OFTEN is not what you expected would happen. So. I have learned how to relinquish control. In this situation, I have done this. In the end, I love my husband with every ounce of my being and no matter what happens, we'll figure out how to get through it *together*

The other thing that has been heavily weighing on my mind lately, is the fact that things are not going so well for my husband over there right now. His spirits are low and his career as a helicopter pilot seems to be spiraling into oblivion. I don't know what's really going on over there, all I know is what he tells me.. and what I am able read between the lines. I know that my husband is extremely unhappy and that is an extremely difficult thing to deal with considering the fact that there is NOTHING that I can do about it. All I can do is tell him I love him, tell him to never give up, and pray for the best. It's an amazing thing, this whole being a military wife thing. If you're a control freak you'll never survive. The best way that I have learned to deal with this life is to trust that whatever happens will be the best thing, the right thing. In the end, all you can do is deal with the hand that life deals you. That's what I'm prepared to do.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

This week two unrelated but very annoying things happened to me. My pool turned green, and a trampoline was delivered to my house.

On Thursday evening when I was washing my dishes, I noticed a huge box sitting on my front lawn. My first instinct was to mutter to myself, "oh my god.. what did Hubby buy this time?!" When I opened my front door and realized that it wasn't just one large box, but two, and these two large boxes contained a trampoline I was even more puzzled. Upon further inspection, I noticed that this trampoline was delivered to the correct address but was meant for someone named Stacy Doss. I briefly considered taking the trampoline inside and putting it together in my back yard, but thought better of it and made a phone call to UPS. They promised that the package would be picked up the next day. When I got home from school on Friday, I noticed that the two large packages were still sitting on my front lawn. Incredibly annoyed, I made yet another phone call to UPS and was told that the packages were still scheduled to be picked up and could be picked up as late as 8:30 pm. Satisfied, I hung up. This morning, I woke up, and the PACKAGES WERE STILL THERE! grrrrrrrrrr. At this point, I'm cursing the fact that I live in a neighborhood where a boxed up trampoline can sit in my front yard for 3 days without being stolen. I just want the stupid thing gone!

And.. yeah.. my pool is green.

Don't be fooled by the glamour and mystique of owning a pool. None of it is true. You spend 99% of your time cleaning the pool and attempting to keep up with it, and only 1% of your time enjoying it. These are factual percentages.. I'm fairly certain.

Today I'm feeling frustrated with this deployment. Hubby and I did the long distance dating thing for a long time, so I am no stranger to being away from him. But, what I think that a lot of people don't understand is that in the 3 years that we have been married, we have built a life together that was built for two. Currently, I find myself alone, struggling to keep up with the life that was designed for two. Two of my cars are well overdue for oil changes and could very well just come to a grinding halt one of these days, the lawn is in bad need of weed whacking (but the weed whacker ran out of string and for the life of me I cannot figure out how to restring it- seriously-), my pool is green and not even the pool people were able to help me because I came home and did what they told me to do and VOILA, my pool is STILL GREEN! Oh, yeah, and the garbage disposal is completely broken, my bathroom door doesn't close anymore, my pipes make strange groaning noises when any kind of water is running, one of the pieces of my fence fell in, my back yard no longer has any grass but is completely dirt, and I could go on. really. I'm frustrated. This deployment is WEARING on me.. and I am simply ready for Hubby to return home.

I know I am veering away from my "optimism only" attitude.. but.. at this point, I feel like I'm perfectly in my rights to do a little bit of complaining. It's complain and make light of things, or, have a complete and total mental breakdown. I choose complaining. :O)

At this point, all I have to say is,
November can't get here soon enough.

3 years...

It's pretty surreal that tomorrow I will spend my 3 year anniversary across the world from my husband. In some ways, I suppose it sucks. But, on the bright side of things, (since I am making it my life's mission to always see the bright side of things) it's a true testament to our love and committment to each other that with all of the twists and turns that life has thrown at us (especially lately) we will celebrate this anniversary as a couple that is stronger than ever before. I think to myself often, if you want a true test of your love and committment to your significant other.. just put 7 months and a couple continents between the two of you.. and then limit your communication to emails and intermittent phone calls (phone calls that only your significant other can make, phone calls that include a 2 second delay and a pretty crappy connection... oh.. and did I mention that "technically" these phone calls are only allowed to be 15 minutes long?) Also, please keep in mind that no matter how shitty your life seems here at home, that your significant other is suppposed to always be in an appropriate mindset for whatever danger or stress should befall him, therefore; it is really frowned upon by those powers that be that you should ever unload your stress or unhappiness on your significant other; because, you would not want to endanger him or his misison with unnecessary outside stresses, would you? *hmmm*

So. Suffice it to say that at this 3 year landmark in our marriage, I am currently feeling very good about *us and how we have managed to not just survive but thrive in these not so perfect marriage conditions.

go us.

Background

After marrying my husband in 2004, I followed him around the country as he trained to be a helicopter pilot for the USMC. The military sent us to Corpus Christi, TX; Milton, FL; and Jacksonville, NC in a matter of two years before finally dropping us off in Sunny San Diego, CA. I've lived here for about a year now, and it feels pretty strange not to be preparing for another move. I guess it's time to finally attempt to put down some roots, but after so much moving around, that's easier said than done. When you move around a lot, you find yourself getting into a "temporary" state of mind. It's the only way you can survive the constant changes, really.

Just because I'm still in the same place after a year, doesn't mean that military life has gotten any more predictable for us. My husband has been stationed in Iraq for the past five months. Living all the way across the country from my family, juggling the stresses of being a first-time homeowner, dealing with my mother's battle with breast cancer, working my first year as a full time middle school English teacher, and dealing with my husband's deployment have all made this a very interesting year. It is certainly one that I will not easily forget.

I plan to use this blog as a personal outlet. When I was younger.. from 5th grade until my freshman year in college, I kept journals religiously. These days, I can't seem to force myself to sit down and write in a notebook anymore. A sign of the times, I suppose.