Sawyer continued a modified version of his hunger strike throughout our time in Utah and into our visit in Denver. He ate practically nothing on the flight to Pennsylvania.
...and then
that first night at my parents' house before he went to bed...
he suddenly started eating again.
Like a snap of the fingers suddenly all was right with the world. He cries hungrily for his bottles. He is eating over 700 calories every single day (his target caloric intake is between 600 and 800 calories a day).
I can breathe again. Deep sigh of relief.
Who knows what was wrong. Was he just really not feeling well since he was coming down with his first cold during the time that he was refusing to eat. Was it all of the traveling that got to him? Did it have something to do with the elevation? Is he simply more comfortable here in his hometown? (I mean, he was born here afterall).
I'm sure I will never get a good answer to why he stopped eating for So Many Days! I just pray it NEVER happens again. To say I thought I was going to explode is quite the understatement. Thankfully it's over. Hopefully forever.
I don't know where he is with his growth now. I don't know how much his hunger strike set him back. I can't even think about it right now. I am just overjoyed that he is eating his target calories. That's all I can ask for right now.
In the meantime, some other updates:
*in the midst of the craziness of travel, Mike stepped on my breast pump and broke it. My internal battle of whether I should continue pumping or just put Sawyer exclusively on formula was answered for me. It was really annoying that it happened, but it was kind of a blessing because I didn't have to have guilt over one more thing...
*our renters moved in. hallelujah!
*Mike is in South Carolina as we speak. He picks up our house keys tomorrow. He has already been by the house and scoped out the neighborhood and peeked inside the windows. He says everything seems great, and I'm pretty excited to see our place. *crossing my fingers and hoping for the best!
I'm starting to feel like a normal human being again, and I'm very happy to be here with my family.
ALSO, one of my best friends just got engaged! I'm very excited for her, and it's looking like the tides are starting to change all around.
Looking happily forward to all of the positive changes the next few weeks will bring.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
A tough few weeks
I have composed this post in my head at least 357 times. The longer I go without actually putting my thoughts into words the more I need to add to it. Now that so much has happened I find myself at a loss. How do I begin to explain my last two weeks?
I suppose I should tell you right off the bat that Sawyer did spend more than 3 days in the hospital... which was both a blessing and the worst experience of my life at the same time.
Sawyer appears healthy is active and happy, on this all of the doctors agreed.
Sawyer needs to gain weight, on this all of the doctors also agreed.
The first two days were a nightmare. Not an hour went by day or night when Sawyer was not disturbed by a doctor or nurse who wanted to examine him, take his vital signs, run a test, take some blood. He did not sleep and this was extremely traumatic for me. In those first few days they ruled out all of the scary stuff and left me with a thousand more questions than I came in with.
They never came right out and said it, but there was a time when they seemed to think that I simply was not producing enough milk for Sawyer to thrive. This was beyond devastating to me.
The pediatric dietician was the first to mention reflux... And she was adamant. Though sawyer was not presenting with the obvious symptoms such as projectile vomiting and extreme discomfort while eating, he was presenting with a variety of other symptoms that had been brushed off as various other 'normal' baby stuff by both me and my pediatrician. A persistent dry cough. Frequent choking or 'gagging' o his 'saliva', complainig while eating ( he often ate before sleeping and I assumed he was fussing because he was tired), turning his head sharply to the right while eating (apparently this closes off the pipe and keeps the acid from coming up). Then of course, the most important symptom, limiting his intake. Instead of being a fussy little man, my guy figured out that if he simply ate less he wouldn't have to deal with the pain...
So they started him on reflux meds and his intake went way up and he started really impressing the doctors on the scales. He was proclaimed to be cured and discharged from the hospital. Meanwhile, I have a small panic attack every time he takes a bottle or sits in his high chair for a meal.. worrying about whether he will eat enough... He has good days and bad, and I monitor his calories like a crazy person.
... and I do my best just not to let my mind wander too much because it's really easy for me to get to that place of self-blame where I beat myself up for having missed something so enormous...
The irony of it all is that I, the mom who flipped out over a bug bite or a possible sunburn had to spend several nights in the hospital with my baby whose official diagnosis going in was 'failure to thrive' - just typing those words makes me want to curl up into a little ball in the corner of a dark room.
And my mom was there. And I would not have managed this without her. And I hate that I'm not strong enough to have done this without her, but I have no problem admitting it as a fact.
And then it was time to move. Oh LOrd have mercy what a time to have to move. We did find renters, though, praise the lord. Somehow we managed to get everything done and we got in the car, drove down the road, and left our home of 5 years without a backwards glance.
During our long drive to Utah to see mike's sister and her family Sawyer began to refuse all food. He arrived at his aunt and uncle's house with his first ever fever. He continued his hunger strike for 2 days and even though he is eating better today he is still not taking in the calories he was after he left the hospital. I am doing better today, but when he really wasn't eating... when he would turn away from, cry, wriggle, and decidedly refuse every bottle we attempted to give him I thought I was slowly dying on the inside.
I am a private person, so having to undergo so much parenting difficulty so publicly in the hospital first and now with mike's family around, I have wanted many times to just take my precious little baby and run.
I cannot wait to get to Pennsylvania with my parents where I can finally begin to feel some normalcy again, and I pray that our transition to our new home goes much more smoothly than these past weeks.
In the meantime and through it all Sawyer has remained his happy, calm, and charming little self. I love him so.
I suppose I should tell you right off the bat that Sawyer did spend more than 3 days in the hospital... which was both a blessing and the worst experience of my life at the same time.
Sawyer appears healthy is active and happy, on this all of the doctors agreed.
Sawyer needs to gain weight, on this all of the doctors also agreed.
The first two days were a nightmare. Not an hour went by day or night when Sawyer was not disturbed by a doctor or nurse who wanted to examine him, take his vital signs, run a test, take some blood. He did not sleep and this was extremely traumatic for me. In those first few days they ruled out all of the scary stuff and left me with a thousand more questions than I came in with.
They never came right out and said it, but there was a time when they seemed to think that I simply was not producing enough milk for Sawyer to thrive. This was beyond devastating to me.
The pediatric dietician was the first to mention reflux... And she was adamant. Though sawyer was not presenting with the obvious symptoms such as projectile vomiting and extreme discomfort while eating, he was presenting with a variety of other symptoms that had been brushed off as various other 'normal' baby stuff by both me and my pediatrician. A persistent dry cough. Frequent choking or 'gagging' o his 'saliva', complainig while eating ( he often ate before sleeping and I assumed he was fussing because he was tired), turning his head sharply to the right while eating (apparently this closes off the pipe and keeps the acid from coming up). Then of course, the most important symptom, limiting his intake. Instead of being a fussy little man, my guy figured out that if he simply ate less he wouldn't have to deal with the pain...
So they started him on reflux meds and his intake went way up and he started really impressing the doctors on the scales. He was proclaimed to be cured and discharged from the hospital. Meanwhile, I have a small panic attack every time he takes a bottle or sits in his high chair for a meal.. worrying about whether he will eat enough... He has good days and bad, and I monitor his calories like a crazy person.
... and I do my best just not to let my mind wander too much because it's really easy for me to get to that place of self-blame where I beat myself up for having missed something so enormous...
The irony of it all is that I, the mom who flipped out over a bug bite or a possible sunburn had to spend several nights in the hospital with my baby whose official diagnosis going in was 'failure to thrive' - just typing those words makes me want to curl up into a little ball in the corner of a dark room.
And my mom was there. And I would not have managed this without her. And I hate that I'm not strong enough to have done this without her, but I have no problem admitting it as a fact.
And then it was time to move. Oh LOrd have mercy what a time to have to move. We did find renters, though, praise the lord. Somehow we managed to get everything done and we got in the car, drove down the road, and left our home of 5 years without a backwards glance.
During our long drive to Utah to see mike's sister and her family Sawyer began to refuse all food. He arrived at his aunt and uncle's house with his first ever fever. He continued his hunger strike for 2 days and even though he is eating better today he is still not taking in the calories he was after he left the hospital. I am doing better today, but when he really wasn't eating... when he would turn away from, cry, wriggle, and decidedly refuse every bottle we attempted to give him I thought I was slowly dying on the inside.
I am a private person, so having to undergo so much parenting difficulty so publicly in the hospital first and now with mike's family around, I have wanted many times to just take my precious little baby and run.
I cannot wait to get to Pennsylvania with my parents where I can finally begin to feel some normalcy again, and I pray that our transition to our new home goes much more smoothly than these past weeks.
In the meantime and through it all Sawyer has remained his happy, calm, and charming little self. I love him so.
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