Ready

In a couple of minutes my good friend who is a fellow San Diegan and who is also from my hometown in Pennsylvania will be picking me up so that I can begin my Christmas journey. We leave on a plane tomorrow VERY early in the AM, and will be arriving at Washington Dulles around 3:30 pm, which will have us arriving at our childhood homes around 5:00/5:30ish.

This past week, I was a small bundle of nerves. You see, I really dislike preparing the house and leaving on vacations when Hubby is not here. I really dislike taking the dogs to the kennel by myself (I worry about them to a heartbreaking extent), and I absolutely despise closing the doors to my house knowing I won't be back for a couple of weeks. Because, I'm nervous. What if I forgot to do something I should have done? If I did, it will be all on me. My fault. My burden alone to bear. boo hoo. :(

However, my dogs are currently safely at the kennel. (I am trying with everything in me not to worry that it's too cold outside for them at their outside kennel. And I'm doing my best to tell myself that what looked like might be an infection beginning to form in my Husky's eye is really nothing to worry about at all).

And, I am all packed. As far as I know, everything is squared away.

I am ready for my vacation.

And, NOW, I am getting EXCITED.

Did I mention that I also had a really wonderful talk with Hubby today? I love him so much.

Here's hoping for a wonderful Christmas vacation. I'm crossing my fingers. :)

Stupid Question

Dear Inquiring Minds,

Please stop asking me if my husband gets to come home for Christmas.
He doesn't.

Sincerely,
Sorry Sarah

A Soldier's Christmas

I haven't thought much about the idea that this Christmas might be a difficult one for me. I've worried a little bit about Hubby, being so far away from our home and our family this Christmas Season. But me? I figured I'll be with family. Lucky. Content. OKAY.

I hadn't thought that this Christmas might be emotional for me. I didn't think about it until I was blindsided this morning when I turned on the radio in the car on my way to work. Within minutes, before I had even pulled out of my neighborhood, I was sobbing.

You see, I was listening to a poem that I had never heard before called "Merry Christmas, My Friend", and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Though he will not be alone this Christmas (he will spend it with his fellow border fort team members), I know that Hubby will be lonely. And though I'll be with my family this Christmas, I now realize I'll be a little bit lonely, too.

Take a minute to watch this video of the poem that brought me to sudden and unexpected tears, and do me a favor - remember my Hubby in your thoughts and prayers this Christmas Season.

6th Graders

I'm an 8th grade homeroom teacher; however, I do have one class with the 6th grade class. I teach them literature. And, seriously, (I am not exaggerating or tooting my own horn) the 6th graders ABSOLUTELY LOVE me.

When they see me at school they scream my name and wave hello OR give me a high five OR give me a hug. Always, no exceptions. They think I am absolutely HILLARIOUS. They laugh at every single joke I make, every facial expression I make sets them into hysterics. I actually have to tone down my silliness with them because they can get over-the-top and out-of-control hysterical over the simplest thing.

They claim loud and clear for all to hear that Mrs. (Sorry) is the BEST teacher EVER (one student even gave a persuasive speech today claiming that I am the best teacher -- and she actually had some excellent logic and reasoning to back up her claim IMHO). During the speech, her classmates held up signs that said things such as "Team (Sorry)" & "Mrs. (Sorry) Rocks!" Oh yes, and they also recently have been telling me that I am a GREAT actress - I like to do impressions of how a student should NOT behave/give a speech/read a story/etc. They think it's really funny when I do that.


You might think I'm exaggerating. I'm not. They simply LOVE me.

I might get really full of myself.. IF I wasn't also the 8th grade teacher. Because 8th graders? They think I'm funny.. sometimes. Mostly they just think I'm 'weird'. To be completely honest with you, I'm 99.9% sure that deep down on the inside they like me almost as much as those 6th graders, but do you think that they will tell me that? Nope. Not in so many words. Do you think an 8th grader would ever be caught DEAD giving a speech about what a wonderful teacher they have? Oh my gosh, that would be, like, social SUICIDE or something.

But, you know, I guess that's why in the end I really do prefer those 8th graders.

They keep me humble. And, humility is a wonderful thing.

rollercoaster

During my 3 years as a Jr. High teacher, I have gone through a constant internal battle with myself about whether or not it is what I REALLY want to do with my life.
I have my good weeks and my bad weeks; last week was undoubtedly a BAD week. I don't know why, but sometimes I just feel so fed up and tired of the same crap over and over. Sometimes I can be very sensitive to the smallest things. Sometimes, I just really feel like I am NOT that good at my job.

It's just so strange because everywhere I turn, I have people telling me otherwise. The students seems to REALLY like me (of course, they have their bad weeks & days, also), the parents give me NOTHING but praise, my principal has never uttered a negative word in my direction, and my fellow teachers even seem to think I'm pretty good at what I do.

In fact, just today, one of the teachers walked into my classroom at the end of the day and said, "These 8th graders are so good for you, Mrs. (Sorry), they must really respect you."

I found it funny that she said that, because I had been feeling the exact OPPOSITE lately. I felt that I had let them get too comfortable with me to the point that I felt like they weren't giving me the respect I wanted.

It's just such an up and downhill battle in my mind. I don't know if I'm just incredibly WAY TOO hard on myself AND my students or if everyone else is just absolutely nuts.

I don't know.

All I know is that some days I feel frustrated and angry on the inside, and some days, like today, my students really make it all worthwhile for me.

Today some of my 6th grade students asked me what I was doing for Christmas vacation. I told them I was going home to be with my family. They told me to tell my family they said, "hi" -- and then said to tell them, "they raised a nice daughter."

How sweet is that? Seriously. So sweet.

*sigh.

Moving to the East Coast???

Yesterday, the best of intentions to go Christmas shopping and get a jump start on house cleaning went straight down the drain. But, for once in my life I actually have a good excuse (or, at least I think it was a good excuse!) Yesterday, while doing my every-now-and-then perusal of Hubby's email (sometimes it's really the best way to get information when I haven't talked to him in a couple of days -- or even when I have because he doesn't always remember to tell me everything during our rushed phone conversation or emails)I clicked on an email from a Marine Corps Command that was "wooing" him to check out an internet link and spend some time considering a position with them.

You see, when Hubby gets back from this deployment, he will be up for a career change within the Marine Corps. His pilot days are officially over (at least for the marines), and he will be opening a brand new chapter.

Getting back to the email.. When I clicked on the link.. I realized that the Command he was being wooed for was in Quantico, VA! (AKA - ON THE EAST COAST AND A MERE COUPLE OF HOUR DRIVE FROM OUR FAMILIES!)

I think it goes without saying that I had a HUGE surge of EXCITEMENT rush through me.

I spent the entire rest of my morning doing some money planning and budgeting - I'm not a math person (AT ALL) which explains why it took me the whole morning.

I researched exactly how much money Hubby would be making if stationed in Quantico (our basic allowance for housing would change). I researched how much a house would cost to rent in Quantico. I researched how much it would cost to hire a Property Management company to take care of things in case (we probably would) we decide to rent out our house here in Cali. I researched how much houses similar to ours are renting for, I prepared FOUR budgets for different scenerios. I won't go into all of them right now as they are convoluted and confusing (clearly, since they took me 4 hours to create and perfect)!

The hillarious/horrible thing is that in my mind, I already have Hubby and me moving to the East Coast in June of this year. But, do you think I've even had a chance to discuss any of this with Hubby yet? Nope.

It's (VERY) possible that Hubby is not ready to leave California just yet. Afterall, of the 28 months that we've lived here, he's been gone 14 months of that (and more if you consider different trainings he's had to do). It's also very possible that in further considering my 4 hours worth of budgeting and mathematical equations, we will realize that moving to the East Coast right now is just not a very plausible option for us. And, of course, Hubby just might not be interested in any of the career possibilities that would await him in Quantico. And, after a hell-on-earth couple of years as a pilot-in-training, I really would NOT be able to bring myself to tell him that he needs to sacrifice career satisfaction.

This, I suppose, is the danger of getting myself all caught up in an idea, when I haven't yet spoken to Hubby about any of it.

No matter what happens, I'll tell you this.. it sure has been fun "planning" our move back to the East Coast. I guess that this Christmas season I'm feeling more than ever that as much as I love California, nothing will ever quite be able to measure up to the treasure of being close to family.

Here's to hoping...
:)

I LOVE My Dogs

I have two dogs: a siberian husky and a border collie. Both of these breeds are known for their very high energy and neurosis. Especially the border collie. And, both of my dogs are completely neurotic, to put it gently.

My border collie spends the majority of his time on patrol in the back yard. If he's not running up and down barking at the people who are passing by, he's sitting alert on the patio waiting patiently for someone to come by. He is also completely and totally obsessed with balls. When anyone new comes over, he spends the majority of his time dropping a ball repeatedly at their feet in the hopes that they just might get the message and throw it to him. The only problem is that when it comes to a ball, he feels no pain. Therefore, 9 times out of 10 he's bleeding from the paws OR panting/coughing/near death before the person who is playing with him realizes they should make him take a break from his incredibly amazing ball chasing skills (this dog is FAST). He's also incredibly intelligent. Because he knows that I will not spend 24 hours a day throwing a ball to him, he has devised his own form of entertainment. He will drop the ball into the pool and then begin the task of bringing the ball back over to the side so he can pull it out. Anyone who has ever seen this has commented on how intelligent he is, because he actually uses his paws to pull the water toward him and therefore pull the ball closer. Ingenius, I tell you.

My siberian husky is absolutely the most sensitive dog you will ever meet. He is deathly afraid to go on walks (this problem used to be much worse but from some work with him has thankfully gotten better), he runs in fear at the sound of bikes and skateboards. He gets nervous when new people stay at our house for too long and this usually culminates in him having an accident on the floor when we leave him alone for an afternoon (despite the fact that he has been perfectly potty trained for the past 3 years!). Also, as far as I can tell, he does not eat when he's at the kennel.. which makes it just that much harder for me to ever leave him.

After reading all of these things about my CRAZY dogs, I'm sure you're wondering, "Sarah, why in the world do you put up with all of this?!" The answer is very simple. I put up with all of this because my dogs add more JOY to my life than they add annoyance.

For example, if I didn't have these dogs during Hubby's deployments, I am certain that life alone would be a much different story for me.

My dogs are amazing. First of all, every morning when I wake up, I spend a couple of minutes laying with my dogs. They are absolutely still and silent throughout the night, but as soon as they realize that I am awake they both converge upon me in the bed. Ramsey, my border collie, lays next to me and puts his head on my chest. Copper, the husky, lays above my head on my pillow. And, they lay there with me for a few minutes. It's the greatest way to wake up EVER. Because of them, I always wake up in a good mood. When I come home, they give me the greeting of a queen. After greeting me, Ramsey goes out into the yard for his patrol duty and Copper remains with me. He is the very best cuddler in all of the world. He's a big gigantic fluffball and he is my comforter. Any time when I am sad or angry or lonely, he knows it.. and he lays with me until I feel better again.

When it's time for bed (they usually know it before me) they begin the night both on the bed with me. Ramsey lays next to me (where Hubby would normally be) -- and he lays so that he is just barely touching my back, which is a great comfort. Copper lays at my feet, same thing, he lays so that he is just barely touching me. Last night there was some noise going on outside in my (normally) very quiet neighborhood. So, they were both in their normal positions but they were both laying with their heads up, very alert. I felt so comforted knowing that they were laying around me like a shield, and knowing that they would let me know if the noises were anything to worry about. But, alas, they were not.

So, they finally let their guard down by laying their heads down, letting out deep contented sighs, and falling asleep for the night.

I am so thankful for my dogs.

Me

I had a really interesting conversation this weekend with a friend of a friend who I met several months ago. I have spent a pretty significant amount of time with her over that time, but the strange thing is that it wasn't until recently that I began to consider her to be my friend.

That's entirely my fault, though. Because, unless a person has a certain kind of personality, it takes a long time for me to open up/feel comfortable with them.

This is important, because that's what our conversation was about. Me and my personality. We recently went on a trip to San Francisco together (with our mutual friend), and I know that it was this trip that helped me to finally feel comfortable enough to open up and be my complete self around her. It was also during this trip that she had an "Aha!" moment about me.

During the trip we had been talking about my military-fiance enemy and all of that drama. I was relaying the story and telling my friends the things that this enemy had said to me. One of the things she had said in an email was that I acted like I was better than everyone else. When I told them that, my friend Andrea said she couldn't believe that ANYONE would ever think something like that about me.

I responded that a lot of the time, people just don't get me, so I wasn't shocked that she might get that kind of impression from me.

That some people just don't "get" me was the aha moment for my (then) acquaintance and (now) friend Sue, and this is what she spoke with me about this past weekend.

She told me that when I said that it really rang true for her. She said that at first, she really didn't quite know what to make of me. But, she wanted me to know that now she really does get me.

It was a really cool conversation; because, she basically told me that she sees that I hold myself at a distance from people at first, but that she really respects that because I am not fake. When I'm ready, I open myself up to people completely, and she said, that makes it all the more special to be my friend. Because, I don't give out my friendship too quickly or easily. And, there's nothing superficial about my friendships.

After talking to her, I really felt that she DOES get me. And, some of the things that she was saying, helped me to understand myself a little bit more. I think she is definitely right. I will not pursue a superficial friendship with someone. My friendships are the real deal, which is why I don't have a thousand friends.

I only have a few. And to those few, I am fiercely loyal.

Thank you, Sue, for "getting" me, and for making me feel good about being just exactly who I am.