Back to Reality..

It's actually almost completely unbelievable that it was only just about a week ago that this whole thing with the fires began. This week has been a strange one. It's pretty much a whirlwind of mixed up thoughts and memories all running together in my head. It was a distraction from real life, but now that the shock of the fires is wearing off I'm beginning to see that my reality has not changed.

It's been a little bit difficult for my husband to be there for me through all of this.. because he's so engulfed in the enormity of what is happening to him over there in Iraq. He's not doing well. So, though two weeks seems like nothing.. I think it will feel like an eternity for him before he arrives back home.. and possibly for me too.

agiharoygatq9-8y45qoitha;ldghad. <-----There's an idea of what is going on in my head right now. It's a gobblety goop of thoughts and ideas mixing together coming to no intelligent conclusions. I don't know what is going to happen to us. I don't know what Mike will be like when he returns. I'm afraid of what the terribleness of this whole experience has done to him. But, as with all things, only time will tell.

At this point, he just needs to be home and we need to start figuring out where we go from here.

2007 Southern Cali Fires

Because I am still a little bit in shock, instead of attempting to get my thoughts out of my head and analyzing the events of the past 72 hours, I am simply going to post a couple of the emails that I sent out to family and friends. But, I do want to say that I have the deepest regard and respect for those firefighters who have worked tirelessly to get these fires under control. Also, my heart breaks for those people who have lost their homes to these horrible fires.

Email #1 Sent on Tuesday, 10/23
Hey All,
I know my mom has been sending out updates for some of you, but I thought it might be nice to let you all know that I'm not just alive I'm actually doing OK. It's been a LONG two days for me... I was watching some tv around 9:30 pm on Sunday night when an emergency announcement came on about the fires. Up until that point, oblivious as I am, I had no idea what was going on. I talked to a friend on the phone and while I was talking I thought I smelled smoke. I told her it must have been in my head, but she said it probably wasn't. So, I walked outside.... and was scared to death by the strong winds and smoke-filled atmosphere. As the night went on, the smoke and winds got worse, and I started to pack my bags. I also prepared lesson plans for school the next day and emailed them to my principal "Just in case" (since I live 30 miles from where I work the fires that I was experiencing were not affecting them at that time)-- I tried to stay up late, but ended up taking a two hour nap and setting my alarm so that I could wake up to see how conditions were. Things were moving really fast and I knew that in a matter of hours things could change dramatically.

In those two hours that I was sleeping the fires went from 2 fires to 8 fires, and the northeast part of my town was being evacuated. I got on 3-way with some friends of mine whose husbands are in Iraq with Hubby. We decided to meet up at the one girl's house who lived only about 10 miles away from me but right next to the highway. I spoke to Hubby and he told me it was OK if I left the bmw, as I felt most comfortable driving the Acura. We decided that the most important thing was for me to feel comfortable and to be safe. I left the house in a rush with two crazy dogs and two big bags.. and called my mom to tell her I had left. I was panicked but still thought I was "OK" until I opened my mouth to tell her I had left.. at which point I was sobbing so hard I could not speak. I feel bad for her in that moment of not knowing what was going on; because, I couldn't get my words out. That was the hardest part of all of this... a moment I probably will never forget. Walking out of my house with my most valuable possessions (some important papers, some wedding pictures, and my dogs) was the hardest thing I've ever had to do to date.

As soon as I arrived at my friend's house, I immediately felt better. I think the hardest part was being alone. Hubby had called and was trying to give me advice on where to go and what to do, but that couldn't make up for the fact that the decisions were mine alone to make and that was a frightening thing. My friend and I hung out a her house for about another two hours. We got in touch with another wife whose husband is deployed with Hubby who lives in La Jolla. She was kind enough to take the two of us and my TWO dogs in at her house. She is truly my guardian angel right now, and when this is all said and done I do NOT know how to thank her adequately.

Yesterday we literally spent our day glued to the tv. I am not exaggerating when I say that the couch where I was sitting had an imprint of my butt on it since I barely moved all day. It is a surreal feeling.. unbelievable most of the time. I can't yet even fathom the idea of beginning to think about not having a house to go home to.

The fact of the matter is, though, that I have no idea what is going on in my neighborhood right now. And on top of that, it really doesn't matter. If I lose my house, I have decided, it is just a house. The things inside are just things. That's easy to say, but a little more difficult to believe when it could be a reality..but I am in a place right now where I do believe it. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right? I am thankful for these friends that I am with. I am thankful to be here in a safe place. I am thankful to have my dogs with me. And, I am thankful that Mike will be home with me soon. In some ways, I am actually thankful that he is NOT here during this; because, if he was he might have to be one of the helicopters flying over those fires and dropping water. That is an unsafe place to be, and We (the wives) have decided that at this point we think they are much safer in Iraq.

So. That's what I know. Thanks for your supportive emails. I appreciate them.

Love, Sarah

Email #2 sent on Wednesday, 10/24
I thought you would all like to know that I am safe and sound at home with my dogs and all my worldly possessions in tact. This morning when I woke up the news said that my town was opened up. So, I went to breakfast with my fellow evacuees, then packed myself back up and headed home.

On my way, one of my friends who had already headed for home called me from my neighborhood. She had driven there to make sure that everything was OK at my house. She verified that it was and that there were people around. As I drove into the town it was bustling; there was lots of traffic on the road. This made me feel good; because, my fear was that I would arrive into a ghost town.

Copper and Ramsey knew we were home before I turned onto our street. They were SO excited to be back! My neighborhood is fine, and besides the soot, palms, branches, and other debris littering the ground you would have no idea that anything out of the ordinary had just happened here. I have yard debris but nothing terrible. Both of the cars I left here are perfectly fine, and my house even smelled good when I walked in (because in my rush to get out I left my air conditioning on by accident.. which I wasn't supposed to do.. but it filtered the smoke out of my house anyway). The ONLY thing that is going to cause me trouble is the fact that my pool is black from all the soot that has been flying around here.

At this point, I think my adrenaline has come to its end, and I am feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. I am so totally and completely beyond thankful that my little piece of the world is ok, and that Mike will be coming home to his HOME. I also can't be thankful enough for the group of ladies that went through this ordeal with me. Military wives as a whole are the strongest and most amazing group of people that I have ever met. We band together and take care of each other, and that is an amazing thing. I also feel proud of myself for handling things calmly and rationally. Other than my breakdown after leaving my house, I was able to stay positive and unpanicked through it all. And, while I'm making acknowledgements, I have to say that my dogs are the world's most amazing dogs. They have been through so much in their short little lives from evacuating from hurricanes, moving across the country, living in a hotel, to evacuating for fires. They are troopers through and through.

I don't really know how to put my feelings about this experience into words. I haven't really had a chance yet to step back from it and realize the enormity of it. Being a military wife for 3 years has taught me how to live in the "moment" really well, so that is what I have been doing. On Monday night, though, I fully believed that I might lose my house, and I was forced to come to terms with that. And, after mapquesting some of the burned houses in my area and seeing that they are only 5 miles from my house.. I know that it truly was a real possibility. The thought of that is beyond comprehension. And then to come back to a house today that is still standing and even still smells good is so unreal and strange.. and amazing all at the same time.

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts, prayers, emails, and phone calls.

I think I'm going to take a nap :O)
Love,
Sarah

emotions

Last night I went to a farewell party for one of the people in the squadron that will be relieving Hubby. They leave in the next few days. It was a weird experience for me for a couple of reasons. First of all, it was sentimental for me. I was surrounded by the aviation world. My world... or, what might possibly be my world of the past. Not that I have made the best of friends in this world or anything, but I have certainly created a circle. As a helicopter pilot, Hubby and I are surrounded by this world of people that we have known for the last 3 years. Some of these people have been recurring characters in our lives, some of these people friends of friends of friends.. but still.. it's a circle, a comradery. It was weird for me to think that very soon Hubbyand I may not be part of this small population of the world any longer. *sigh. This is why I said in one of my previous posts that I feel like someone died.. but that's not really what I meant. What I meant is that I am in mourning. I am grieving for life as I know it. It sounds strange to admit, but as crazy as the aviation life is, it is actually predictable in its unpredictability. :O)

Thoughts about a reunion

Hmm..
Well, these days I find myself in much brighter spirits than I was in while writing my most recent posts. I attribute this to the fact that there is finally LIGHT at the end of that long, black tunnel. My husband's return is now LESS than a month away. I recently attended a Return and Reunion brief held on base. It was an interesting experience that had me feeling strangely emotional. In fact, if I'm going to be honest, it took everything in me not to burst into tears. Not sad tears, just emotional tears. This whole experience certainly has been an emotional rollercoaster ride.

Anyway. The woman who gave the brief put some excellent thoughts into my head for which I will probably be forever grateful. She said not to expect TOO much out of that reunion. She said don't expect your marine to look like Tom Cruise stepping off that plane. She said don't be offended if your spouse doesn't notice the new dress you have on or the fact that you lost 10 pounds. She said not to come to the reunion with expectations, just let it be what it is. I am really glad that she said this, because I actually HAD been playing the reunion over and over in my head.. and I can only imagine that if things weren't as poetic and romantic as in my daydreams, I would have been thoroughly disappointed. She said that our marine will not be so interested in what make up we have on or how we decorated the house for their return. They'll simply be overjoyed to see us and to BE home. She also warned us of that transition of being a couple again. And as much as I probably will deny it, I suppose it could be true that I have actually become accustomed to my life alone. Adding him to the equation might not be as easy as it sounds. It's a good thing to simply be aware of this so that I can be prepared for whatever obstacles arrive in our path.

In the end, I feel certain that I do know one thing for sure about our reunion. I will never forget the moment, when walking down the aisle to meet Hubby at the altar on our wedding day, our eyes first met. At the moment, I was filled with such overwhelming love and emotion. I have no doubt that as he steps off that (bus or plane.. or whatever it is he will be "stepping off of") the same overwhelming feelings of love and emotion will hit me. It's the thought of that very moment that gets me through these last few weeks with a smile on my face.

:O)