Neighborhood Woes

I'm convinced that someone in our neighborhood has it out for us. I have no idea why, but all signs seem to be pointing to that fact.

No, this has nothing to do with my stalker. I don't think?

Speaking of my stalker, though, I never mentioned on here the strange thing that happened the very day after my stalker visited me in my garage. It was about 10:00 pm on a Saturday night, when suddenly the doorbell rang. Mike and I both assumed it was Stalker Man come to make good on his promise to pay back the $5 and ask about the computer. But, alas, it was not him.

Instead, it was a note in our screen door that said the following:

Hey Gorgeous,
I miss you. You still haven't told your husband about us, have you? When do I get to see you again? - Your Real Lover

Yeah. Pretty weird, eh? It could have been uber creepy considering it arrived the very next day after my stalker encounter. But, something about the whole thing just reeked of teenage prank. The dead giveaway was that the letter was supposed to be from a guy, yet there were lipstick kisses all over the paper. Obviously, a girl and a boy had collaborated in the making of the note.

In any case, 2 odd incidents in 2 days = my neighborhood is beginning to suck!

But, I haven't even really gotten to the part where someone has it in for us.

Someone in this neighborhood keeps reporting us. Once to the cops and twice to the city.

The first incident occurred soon after Mike's return from Iraq. We had left our trash cans on the side of the road a day or two too long after trash day, and next thing you know we had a warning on our front door from the city which indicated that someone had reported us. Really? For trash cans on the side of the road? Really? I mean if we lived in a classy neighborhood with a homeowners association, I could understand the problem. But, just across the street from us we have some people with animal horns hanging over their garage, so I don't think you can really consider this an upclass place. And, If you really have that much of a problem with us keeping our trash cans on the curb for too long, couldn't you do the neighborly thing and kindly knock on the door and tell us it's against the city's regulations to keep it there? Clearly we didn't know that or we wouldn't have left it there. It's not that we were trying to stand up to the "man" by keeping our trash cans out too long. We're not nearly that tough.

The 2nd incident occurred, also, soon after Mike had returned from Iraq. We were in the process of selling one of our cars, so he had it parked on the corner with a for sale sign on it. One night, after we were already in bed, actually, we had a knock on the door. It was the police. Apparently, the cop told Mike, we had a very angry neighbor. According to the cop, though, we were not breaking any law with the way that the car was parked, but he did ask us to move it a few feet just to keep the peace. Ok, Officer. No problem, Officer. Anything you say, Officer. Being in the military and all, Mike has no problem with authority. So he moved the car. And we wondered who the hell in this neighborhood has it out for us?

A few peaceful months passed by without us breaking a single city regulation or pissing off any of our neighbors. *Whew. Wipe sweat of brow. Rejoice.

Until this week...
When I opened my door to get the mail and there was another lovely warning from the city waiting for me out there.

Apparently someone in the neighborhood has taken issue with our sprinkler heads. They're round instead of straight or something like that, I don't know. So a little bit of water gets on the sidewalk when our sprinklers go off. So, this somebody felt the need to call the city and complain about us. Now let me tell you a few things about these sprinkler heads. First of all, I consider us lucky when none of our sprinkler heads are broken and shooting geysers 10 feet into the air. Second of all, our sprinklers go off in the middle of the night. Literally. They go off at like 2 am or something ungodly like that. So who in the hell is staying up until 2 am to check to make sure that we have "flat" instead of "round" sprinkler heads and no water is getting on the sidewalk? No, seriously? Who?

I'm desperate to know who in this neighborhood is so intently monitoring our activities. Is it you, nosy neighbor across the street? Are you possibly feigning friendship with Mike and ratting us out behind our backs? Is it you nice woman who walks her dog every 5 seconds? You always smile and wave, but are you secretly checking out our sprinkler heads during your middle-of-the-night-rounds? Is it you quiet woman across the street? I know Mike borrowed your weed whacker that one time, and you didn't seem too keen on lending it to him, but he returned it in tact, right? And what about you couple with animal heads hanging on your garage? You seem nice enough, but maybe you're the ones policing the neighborhood.

Oh, Tattle Tale Neighbor, Come out, Come out, Wherever you are!

I mean, I guess what it all boils down to is that Mike and I are really new to this home ownership thing. Apparently, neighborhoods have all kinds of weird rules like don't leave your garbage can on the curb too long, use flat sprinkler heads, and whatever you do, don't piss off the neighbors.

But, we don't need someone ratting on us every 5 seconds. What we need is a kindly neighbor to take us under his or her wing. Befriend us, and update us on the ways of the land here. Help us out. Don't call the city and the police on us.

I mean, seriously, Come on!