At Least I Tried?

Yesterday while walking to my car in a shopping center parking lot, I noticed a homeless man who was approaching people and asking them for money. I tried to slow my pace a bit so as not to walk right past him, but he stopped along his path and thus turned to me, looked me right in the eyes, and said, "Excuse me, could you spare some change?"

It was at this point that I went through a quick internal battle. You see, I am not one of those people who thinks you shouldn't give money to homeless people because they will "just use it on drugs or alcohol -- and why don't they get a job, anyway?" --

Quite the contrary. Every time I walk or drive past a homeless person without giving him or her money, I feel bad. Really. Really. Bad. Bad all the way down to the pit of my stomach. I feel bad that I have so much and they have so little. And, I also believe firmly that if someone is in need, it is not my place to judge why they are in need or what they are going to use the money for. I have money. They do not. It all seems very straight forward and simple to me.

And, after attending a retreat on Friday in which we talked about seeing Jesus in your neighbor, friend, stranger on the street, etc. it was especially striking to me that this man had looked me in the eyes and very earnestly asked me for some money.

All that said, however, I do have a firm rule with myself. I give money if it's easily accessible. I will not stop in the middle of the street, unzip my purse, and go through my wallet in search of some bills or loose change. So, because I did not have any money at hand, with a heavy heart, I told this man the only thing I could think to say, "Sorry."

After I got in my car, though, I realized the man was still in the parking lot. So, I got a couple dollars from my wallet and proceeded to drive close to where he was walking. When I got close, I rolled my windown down and called, "Excuse me, Sir"
He didn't answer. So, I drove a little closer and called again just a little bit louder, "EXCUSE ME, SIR!" - Nothing.

At this point, I became self-conscious. What must all of the other people in the parking lot think of this woman who was clearly driving behind/stalking this homeless man in the parking lot.

So, I drove away.

I felt so awful. I wanted to give him money. I tried to give him money. If only he would have heard me.

Maybe I should have tried harder. Yelled louder. Gotten out of my car. Given him money when he first asked?

I don't know. All I know is I can't stop thinking about this situation with this man. And, I know I want to do something to make up for it.

I haven't yet made a decision about what I will do for Lent this year. But, now I'm thinking, maybe I can regularly donate to some worthwhile groups or causes. One of my fellow teachers is an active member of the Catholic Worker here in San Diego. Maybe I can start donating to her organization on a regular basis.

Yes, in fact, that sounds like a great idea. I think I will do just that.