fall is descending...

Fall is descending upon the city of San Diego.. and with it a shadow seems to be edging its way into my brain. I don't know why, but with this cold weather brings low spirits for me. 5 1/2 months away from my husband now and these days it seems to only get harder.. not easier. Maybe things would be easier for me if my husband's future and career were not uncertain.. but they are.. so with the normal anxieties of having a husband deployed come extra anxieties of what the future will hold for us. I know I shouldn't be thinking about these things, but every time I talk to him he seems to only bear bad news... or a crushed spirit. So, talking to him now becomes a burden rather than a joy. I hate this f***ing "war". I hate it so much.

There goes my ever optimistic self.

Optimism is too tiring these days. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm overwhelmed. These days, I am anything but optimistic.

relinquish all control

When we first moved here, we were told that Hubby's deployments would be pretty regular. We were told that he would be deploying for 7 months, returning home for a year, deploying for 7 months, and so on and so forth. Recently, the word came down from those powers that be, that due to shortages in helicopter pilots, Michael might have to deploy again only 5 months after his return home. This is one of those things that I have briefly considered. The key word there being.. BRIEFLY. In my heart of hearts, I will acknowledge the fact that it will kill me if my husband has to return to Iraq so soon after returning and that my heart will break over having to spend two Southern California summers in a row alone. However, if there is one things that I have learned from being a Marine Corps wife for 3 years, it's that whatever is going to happen IS going to happen and it OFTEN is not what you expected would happen. So. I have learned how to relinquish control. In this situation, I have done this. In the end, I love my husband with every ounce of my being and no matter what happens, we'll figure out how to get through it *together*

The other thing that has been heavily weighing on my mind lately, is the fact that things are not going so well for my husband over there right now. His spirits are low and his career as a helicopter pilot seems to be spiraling into oblivion. I don't know what's really going on over there, all I know is what he tells me.. and what I am able read between the lines. I know that my husband is extremely unhappy and that is an extremely difficult thing to deal with considering the fact that there is NOTHING that I can do about it. All I can do is tell him I love him, tell him to never give up, and pray for the best. It's an amazing thing, this whole being a military wife thing. If you're a control freak you'll never survive. The best way that I have learned to deal with this life is to trust that whatever happens will be the best thing, the right thing. In the end, all you can do is deal with the hand that life deals you. That's what I'm prepared to do.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

This week two unrelated but very annoying things happened to me. My pool turned green, and a trampoline was delivered to my house.

On Thursday evening when I was washing my dishes, I noticed a huge box sitting on my front lawn. My first instinct was to mutter to myself, "oh my god.. what did Hubby buy this time?!" When I opened my front door and realized that it wasn't just one large box, but two, and these two large boxes contained a trampoline I was even more puzzled. Upon further inspection, I noticed that this trampoline was delivered to the correct address but was meant for someone named Stacy Doss. I briefly considered taking the trampoline inside and putting it together in my back yard, but thought better of it and made a phone call to UPS. They promised that the package would be picked up the next day. When I got home from school on Friday, I noticed that the two large packages were still sitting on my front lawn. Incredibly annoyed, I made yet another phone call to UPS and was told that the packages were still scheduled to be picked up and could be picked up as late as 8:30 pm. Satisfied, I hung up. This morning, I woke up, and the PACKAGES WERE STILL THERE! grrrrrrrrrr. At this point, I'm cursing the fact that I live in a neighborhood where a boxed up trampoline can sit in my front yard for 3 days without being stolen. I just want the stupid thing gone!

And.. yeah.. my pool is green.

Don't be fooled by the glamour and mystique of owning a pool. None of it is true. You spend 99% of your time cleaning the pool and attempting to keep up with it, and only 1% of your time enjoying it. These are factual percentages.. I'm fairly certain.

Today I'm feeling frustrated with this deployment. Hubby and I did the long distance dating thing for a long time, so I am no stranger to being away from him. But, what I think that a lot of people don't understand is that in the 3 years that we have been married, we have built a life together that was built for two. Currently, I find myself alone, struggling to keep up with the life that was designed for two. Two of my cars are well overdue for oil changes and could very well just come to a grinding halt one of these days, the lawn is in bad need of weed whacking (but the weed whacker ran out of string and for the life of me I cannot figure out how to restring it- seriously-), my pool is green and not even the pool people were able to help me because I came home and did what they told me to do and VOILA, my pool is STILL GREEN! Oh, yeah, and the garbage disposal is completely broken, my bathroom door doesn't close anymore, my pipes make strange groaning noises when any kind of water is running, one of the pieces of my fence fell in, my back yard no longer has any grass but is completely dirt, and I could go on. really. I'm frustrated. This deployment is WEARING on me.. and I am simply ready for Hubby to return home.

I know I am veering away from my "optimism only" attitude.. but.. at this point, I feel like I'm perfectly in my rights to do a little bit of complaining. It's complain and make light of things, or, have a complete and total mental breakdown. I choose complaining. :O)

At this point, all I have to say is,
November can't get here soon enough.

3 years...

It's pretty surreal that tomorrow I will spend my 3 year anniversary across the world from my husband. In some ways, I suppose it sucks. But, on the bright side of things, (since I am making it my life's mission to always see the bright side of things) it's a true testament to our love and committment to each other that with all of the twists and turns that life has thrown at us (especially lately) we will celebrate this anniversary as a couple that is stronger than ever before. I think to myself often, if you want a true test of your love and committment to your significant other.. just put 7 months and a couple continents between the two of you.. and then limit your communication to emails and intermittent phone calls (phone calls that only your significant other can make, phone calls that include a 2 second delay and a pretty crappy connection... oh.. and did I mention that "technically" these phone calls are only allowed to be 15 minutes long?) Also, please keep in mind that no matter how shitty your life seems here at home, that your significant other is suppposed to always be in an appropriate mindset for whatever danger or stress should befall him, therefore; it is really frowned upon by those powers that be that you should ever unload your stress or unhappiness on your significant other; because, you would not want to endanger him or his misison with unnecessary outside stresses, would you? *hmmm*

So. Suffice it to say that at this 3 year landmark in our marriage, I am currently feeling very good about *us and how we have managed to not just survive but thrive in these not so perfect marriage conditions.

go us.

Background

After marrying my husband in 2004, I followed him around the country as he trained to be a helicopter pilot for the USMC. The military sent us to Corpus Christi, TX; Milton, FL; and Jacksonville, NC in a matter of two years before finally dropping us off in Sunny San Diego, CA. I've lived here for about a year now, and it feels pretty strange not to be preparing for another move. I guess it's time to finally attempt to put down some roots, but after so much moving around, that's easier said than done. When you move around a lot, you find yourself getting into a "temporary" state of mind. It's the only way you can survive the constant changes, really.

Just because I'm still in the same place after a year, doesn't mean that military life has gotten any more predictable for us. My husband has been stationed in Iraq for the past five months. Living all the way across the country from my family, juggling the stresses of being a first-time homeowner, dealing with my mother's battle with breast cancer, working my first year as a full time middle school English teacher, and dealing with my husband's deployment have all made this a very interesting year. It is certainly one that I will not easily forget.

I plan to use this blog as a personal outlet. When I was younger.. from 5th grade until my freshman year in college, I kept journals religiously. These days, I can't seem to force myself to sit down and write in a notebook anymore. A sign of the times, I suppose.