Letting Go

I have been keeping in touch with many of my former students via facebook. It has been wonderful for me to stay connected with them and their lives. I always said that I knew I would miss the students, but I wouldn't miss the teaching part.

Recently, I have begun to think that maybe I was wrong. a little bit.

First of all, I recently received an email from a parent telling me that the new principal and 8th grade teacher are not planning to take the 8th graders to 8th Grade Camp this year. She didn't write just to complain; she wanted me to give her some information about camp... the purpose, what the students have gotten out of it in the past, etc. I wrote her a long email in return, and I have to say... my heart is a little bit broken for this year's 8th grade class if they don't get the opportunity to experience camp. It's definitely one of those experiences that the students will remember forever.

Also, lately, the students have been writing to me complaining about drama class this year. It's BORING, they say. It's a DISASTER, they say. I do my best to take teenager complaints with a grain of salt (because, let's face it, complaining is pretty much an art form to them), but enough of them have written to me about it that I think they are actually unhappy. That also makes me sad because damned if I didn't sweat blood and tears to whip that program into shape while I was there.

finally... and probably most devastating of all... apparently the 8th graders aren't reading any novels in literature class. *gasp! *sigh. *tear. I know that the school is using an awesome textbook series for the first time this year which I know firsthand is chock full of wonderful short stories, poems, and plays.... but.... no novels? The teacher isn't having the students read any novels on top of what they're getting from the textbook? The horror.

Yes. I am clearly having a little bit of trouble letting go. It certainly doesn't help that the students are keeping me so well informed, either. I appreciate that they want to keep in touch. I just wish they were telling me how excited they are for 8th grade camp, how wonderful their drama classes are going this year, and how much they love the novels they are reading in literature class.

At the same time, I fully realize that I gave up the right to have an opinion on any of these topics when I handed in my resignation. Letting go is not easy, but I do believe that I made the correct choice by moving on.

Drama Mama

There was a time last summer after spending a few weeks with my heartbreakingly adorable nephew when I questioned whether I was cut out for the job of parenthood. I decided that I would probably be okay, but that my heart would break on a regular basis.

I think one of my biggest flaw? attributes? is that I feel other people's emotions and pain very strongly. Especially people I really care about. That's why last year when the little kids didn't want to play with my nephew at the playground, I pretty much thought I would die of a broken heart.

I realize that's a bit dramatic, but hey! it's how I felt. truly.

Currently, my siberian husky is having some health problems. Logically, I realize that he has had similar health problems in the past and there has never been any medical reason for why he was having them... he's just a nervous little guy is all. Big life changes wreak havoc on him and next thing you know his anxiety is manifesting itself in all kinds of health problems. Irrationally, I pretty much have myself convinced that he's dying and I'm really freaking out about it. Every time he presents a not-so-healthy symptom I have to hold myself back from running around the house crying, stomping and screaming, "WHY ME?! WHY NOW?!"

Again. dramatic. I know.

Which leads me to my point. I am again finding myself wondering if I am indeed cut out for the job of parenthood. with 5 weeks to go until my due date, I realize it's just a bit too late to turn back, but I'm worried. I mean, every time my baby coughs or sneezes or poops a strange color am I going to do the same thing I am doing now with my dog?

The only possible answer to this question is an unequivocal YES. I mean, if I'm freaking out like this over a dog, I can only imagine that the drama will be magnified ten fold when it's my baby we're talking about.

I can only hope that I don't get so dramatic that I screw my kid up beyond repair. Luckily (I think?) he will have a dad who is my polar opposite. As I am running around the house stomping and screaming that our child is dying of some rare and unknown disease, he will be calmly watching television and assuring me that everything is FINE, just FINE.

I just pray that he will always be right.

My mom and I started taking childbirth classes. Our first class was this past Monday. It was VERY informative... which is... exactly what I need. And then, at the end of class they whipped out these birthing videos to give you an idea of natural childbirth, childbirth with a pain shot, and childbirth with the epidural. Before I watched the videos, I was all gung-ho on the epidural. After I watched the videos, I was all gung-ho on the idea of keeping this baby inside of me forever.

OMG. Let me tell you. These were not your run-of-the-mill Baby Story on TLC birth videos... these videos showed everything. Three videos. Three times I watched what started with the tip of a head and was suddenly a gush of blood and blood and all kinds of gucky stuff come flying out of you-know-where. Three times I cringed. Suffice to say, I'm a little freaked about delivering this baby.

I'm a whimp, people. My sister does have me sold on the epidural, though. I trust my sister's advice in most if not all major decisions of my life. Therefore, upon her expert 2 time veteran recommendation, I'm going to go with that epidural so that even though my insides are going to get ripped out when this baby makes an appearance... at least I won't be able to feel it! :)

And then there's this... I'm really excited. How I manage to walk around like a normal human being on a regular basis, I am not entirely sure. If it weren't for my difficulty getting around these days and my waddle-walk, I would probably skip from place to place. I mean. MIKE'S COMING HOME. He's going to be here. with me. with us. I will not be alone navigating the twisty turns of parenthood for the first several months. I'm ecstatic about this.

My only real worry these days is that he won't make it here for the actual birth. After that first childbirth class, I pretty much decided that he. must. be. there. For my sanity and strength. He. Must. Be. There.

But I know... this will not be up to us... it will be up to this baby. If this baby comes on time or a bit late, Mike will definitely be there. If this baby is early.. well... he probably won't. I can't dwell on it. What will be will be and how it will be will be perfect as long as this baby comes out healthy. That needs to be my main focus.

Next weekend is my baby shower. I'm super excited and a little nervous (man, it's rough being the center of attention.. seriously). I expect this having a baby thing to feel all the more real after I am showered with all the baby gear I could ever possibly dream of having. As of tomorrow I will be 33 weeks pregnant.. which is only 4 weeks from 37 weeks.. which is the date when they say the baby is technically considered "full term"!

crazy!

There's so many things to look forward to in the next 2 months. I can only imagine that time will FLY BY and next thing I know I will be posting pics of my adorable baby boy.
:)

Doggie Heaven is....

Lots of yard in which to play fetch....

and all the sticks a doggie heart could desire.

Culture Shock

It really is a different world out here on the East Coast. I was prepared for some of the changes: different accents (yes, the people here on South Central PA do indeed have accents whether they like to admit it or not), scenery changes, THUNDERSTORMS (if you ever see thunder and lightning in San Diego it's most likely the end of the world).

There are other things, however, that have taken me quite by surprise. They are as follows.

1. country music. I didn't realize the lack of country music in San Diego until I came here and realized that as I search for radio stations, country music stations account for just about every other one.

2. old people. They're everywhere. I guess San Diego just isn't much of a retirement community because darn if it doesn't shock me every time I walk into a grocery store and realize I'm surrounded by SENIOR CITIZENS.

3. people who are physically unable to pronounce my last name. I married a Puerto Rican with a very common, very simple Hispanic last name. In the last 2 days I've heard this last name pronounced three different ways, none of which were even remotely reminiscent of the correct pronunciation.

4. friendly people. One of the first few nights I was in town, my mom and I took my dogs for a walk. Without fail, everyone who drove or passed by waved hello. With every passing person I asked my mom, "do you know that person?" to which she always responded, "nope."

5. Bugs. I was very upset and unsettled during the x-country drive when I received my very first bug bite in who knows how long. We were at a rest stop in Colorado, and I immediately knew that this was one change I was not looking forward to.

I'm very happy to be here with my parents, but there are those times when I feel like I am experiencing quite a culture shock. This makes me think of Michael and how strange the transition must be for him when he comes back from deployment.

So many things to say... yet so hard to figure out where to begin... or what to write.

As of tomorrow, I will be 30 weeks pregnant. I'm finally kissing the weeks of the 20's goodbye. It's exciting to me. Just another step toward what I've been waiting for all this time... meeting baby.

And the latest? (though, admittedly, I am actually pretty much terrified to put this in writing or even tell anyone for fear that it will change... AGAIN) it seems as though Mike has a replacement. There's a name. Written in as his replacement, and supposedly he's going to be heading back to the states sometime in November.

I'm too scared to get my hopes up... but it's so exciting. He might actually be here... for good. I might not actually be doing the single parenting thing. It all sounds almost too good to be true.

Right now, though, I'm just taking things a day at a time. Pregnancy at this point is pretty uncomfortable, and I can only expect it to get more so. I have trouble keeping up with my 57-year-old mom and 63 year-old-dad on our evening walks with the dogs. It's quite interesting, and I sometimes have trouble believing that I will ever be back to my old self.

My stomach squirms around on a regular basis these days. It's actually the baby doing the squirming, but I'm not sure I've fully processed the whole baby thing yet, so for now I'm captivated to watch the movement of my belly. Even when I can't feel the movements sometimes, I can see them. Pretty neat. I do hope that Michael arrives back at least a few days before the baby is born so that he can experience this with me.

Overall, I'm really looking forward to fall and all that it will bring to my life.

I have arrived

*whew. I am exhausted! 5 days on the road and a day of frustrating phone calls to insurance and doctor's offices will do that to you, I suppose.

The trip was... perfect. I really cannot complain for even one moment. Though we drove through several major cities, we never hit traffic even once. The weather was lovely. We easily found affordable hotels that accepted my 2 dogs every night, and we arrived in one piece. What more could we have asked for?

Our journey went like this: California - Nevada - Arizona - Utah - Colorado - Kansas - Missouri - Illinois - Indiana - Ohio - West Virginia - Pennsylvania - West Virginia - Maryland - Pennsylvania

The last leg of the trip (everything that follows Ohio) doesn't seem to make much sense, but according to my bro-in-law who is Ohio-born-and-raised this is the best route back to my hometown from Ohio taking into account the roads you go on and all of that lovely stuff.

Overall, Colorado is by far the most scenic/beautiful state, though my dad might beg to differ and say that West Virginia is. I told him that's why he lives out here on the East Coast. Kansas was the most BORING state as far as scenery... the wind was crazy there though which kept driving interesting because you certainly needed to keep both hands on the wheel at all times. We saw several major cities, as I already mentioned, and had we not had 2 dogs and a pregnant woman in the car it would have been quite interesting to make some stops to take in the country a bit more.

And when we arrived here to PA? My sister and my nephews were standing in the yard with my mom waiting to greet me. What a lovely surprise! Actually, I had texted her earlier in the day saying we would be arriving in approx. 4 hours, so I expected her to be there waiting for us. I certainly didn't think she'd go ahead and actually do it, so that was quite awesome.

Now the dogs and I are settling into our new home, and it's not too shabby. In fact, the dogs are in green grass heaven. They don't make yards out West like they do here in Pennsylvania, that's for sure!

Today was a trying day, however. My insurance finally processed my enrollment to the East Coast from the West Coast and assigned me a primary care manager. I thought the hard part was over..... until I spoke with my new dr's office and realized they were less than cooperative.

The way my insurance works is that I get assigned a primary care manager and all of my other care needs to be referred through them. So, in order to get into an OB I first need to see my new primary care doctor who must refer me to my OB. The problem was, the primary care office didn't want to fit me in for another month.... after which I would still need to wait for the appointment that I actually need which is the appt. with the OB. After tears.... and stress.... and multiple phone calls... I finally spoke with the office manager who got me an appointment sooner and gave me the information for the OB they would be referring me to so that I could go ahead and make my appointment with them so as not to delay my care any further. *geesh. So it's finally all taken care of and OK, but I certainly had some stress there inbetween.

My insurance is great in that they pay for EVERYTHING. My insurance is not so great in that you are forced to jump through a couple of extra loops that other insurance providers don't require you to jump through.

But... it all seems to be working out now, so I suppose I shouldn't be complaining.

All in all... I'm happy to b here safe and sound with a baby who moves and kicks regularly, 2 dogs who should win some kind of award for easily adapting to major life changes, and parents who will do anything for me.