Last night for the first time in a very LONG time I. Could. Not. Sleep. I followed the normal routine that I have been following since hubby has been gone. I ate dinner, took Ramsey on a walk, did the elliptical while watching some shows, did the internet thing for a little bit, and hit the sack before 11:00 pm.
Last night, however, as I lay in bed, sleep would not come. My mind raced in a thousand directions, and despite the fact that my body was exhausted over my newly formed exercise routines, my mind refused to rest. And so, at 2:30 am, I finally gave up on any last shreds of hope I had that I might sleep at a normal hour and took to the couch to watch one of my very favorite (and almost forgotten) movies Almost Famous. I hoped I would fall asleep halfway through the movie, but alas, this was not to be.
After the movie was over, I got on the internet for a little while and finally felt as though If I went to bed then, I might actually fall asleep. So, I did, and I did. The time of sleep for me last night? 4:30 am.
Only to be awoken at 8:30 am by a phone call from Hubby. Although, for once in my life, I can't say I was upset for being woken up. After the phone call I decided that today I had to forget about my plans to go into school, and I went back to sleep to get my full 8 hours. So..
I'm taking some time off. Today and tomorrow I will NOT go to school and work on my classroom. I boycott school and my classroom.. because, I do believe that it was school in the first place which had my mind unable to rest last night. The stress of it is overwhelming.
I'll go back on Friday. And today and tomorrow I will relax.. because.. I think I need it.
What's my motto again? Ah yes, that's it.. "Put off today what you can do tomorrow" :o)
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
Nightmare
Tonight I watched a movie on Lifetime called Fab Five and while watching it, I practically pulled out my own hair. It was pretty much torture for me, as a teacher, to watch this movie which is about 5 girl cheerleaders who have complete control over their administration, do whatever they want, and have no consequences for their actions.
The way they treat their teachers in this movie was painful for me to watch because it actually brings to life the ONLY recurring nightmare I've ever had in my entire life. In my nightmare my students are running amuck (sp?) in the classroom and absolutely refuse to listen to me. I have no control.. my principal can't (or in some cases won't) help me.. and it is literally the worst feeling ever. When I have this dream I usually wake up shaking my head around like a maniac because I am so crazy and upset about it.
Well, in this movie.. (which apparently is based on a true story) exactly that has happened. These girls (one of whom is the daughter of the school principal) are able to do exactly what they want and get away with it. None of the teachers have any control over the girls.. and the principal does nothing to help.
I don't know if this was the best movie for me to watch before this school year begins.. because this year I will have a very challenging class. Last year this class walked all over their teacher and acted more like wild animals than teenagers. I don't doubt that all they need is structure and some "tough" love... and that I will be able to tame them and (hopefully) bring out the best in them.
But.. I also don't doubt that before the year is over.. I will have had many of my recurring nightmares of a class that has gone out of my control.
*Wish me luck.
The way they treat their teachers in this movie was painful for me to watch because it actually brings to life the ONLY recurring nightmare I've ever had in my entire life. In my nightmare my students are running amuck (sp?) in the classroom and absolutely refuse to listen to me. I have no control.. my principal can't (or in some cases won't) help me.. and it is literally the worst feeling ever. When I have this dream I usually wake up shaking my head around like a maniac because I am so crazy and upset about it.
Well, in this movie.. (which apparently is based on a true story) exactly that has happened. These girls (one of whom is the daughter of the school principal) are able to do exactly what they want and get away with it. None of the teachers have any control over the girls.. and the principal does nothing to help.
I don't know if this was the best movie for me to watch before this school year begins.. because this year I will have a very challenging class. Last year this class walked all over their teacher and acted more like wild animals than teenagers. I don't doubt that all they need is structure and some "tough" love... and that I will be able to tame them and (hopefully) bring out the best in them.
But.. I also don't doubt that before the year is over.. I will have had many of my recurring nightmares of a class that has gone out of my control.
*Wish me luck.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Deployment Positives...
If you're going to follow my "Thought of a Military Wife" blog for the next 7 months, then there's something you need to know now. If there's one thing I learned during the last deployment it was that during deployment I become bipolar. Probably if I went to a Dr. it would be a dianosable disease. Seriously. It's crazy. And, I'm only telling you this because if you look at my last entry.. and look at the entry I'm about to write you'll notice that I go from very melancholy to very positive in a single day. That, my friends, is the mind of a military wife during a deployment. Don't say I didn't warn you.
I decided to write a list of
REASONS WHY DEPLOYMENTS AREN'T SO BAD AFTERALL
1. You have an excuse to go to the hairdresser and try out a completely new (and super cute)hair color and syle.
2. People do really awesome things for you like surprising you with dozens of beautiful roses on your front doorstep the day after hubby leaves(Thanks AIM!)
3. You have a really good excuse for why your house is a gigantic mess (and why even though you're not currently working.. you're not planning on cleaning it today!)
4. You have the unique opportunity to make friends with some of the ladies from Hubby's Team who are going through the same thing as you.. (and these friendships are absolutely priceless!)
5. You don't have to worry about Hubby taking up 75% of the bed and leaving a sliver for you to sleep on. :)
6. Hubby gets a chance to REALLY REALLY miss you more than he ever thought he could
7. You have so much to do with taking care of the house, dogs, yard, pool, and of course your LIFE that you don't have very much time to be very sad for very long.
8. Deployments are a GREAT opportunity to start some new and better habits.. (like eating right and exercising more!)
9. You have a good reason to drink a glass of wine at night with your dinner
10. If all else fails.. you have the homecoming to look forward to!
:o)
I decided to write a list of
REASONS WHY DEPLOYMENTS AREN'T SO BAD AFTERALL
1. You have an excuse to go to the hairdresser and try out a completely new (and super cute)hair color and syle.
2. People do really awesome things for you like surprising you with dozens of beautiful roses on your front doorstep the day after hubby leaves(Thanks AIM!)
3. You have a really good excuse for why your house is a gigantic mess (and why even though you're not currently working.. you're not planning on cleaning it today!)
4. You have the unique opportunity to make friends with some of the ladies from Hubby's Team who are going through the same thing as you.. (and these friendships are absolutely priceless!)
5. You don't have to worry about Hubby taking up 75% of the bed and leaving a sliver for you to sleep on. :)
6. Hubby gets a chance to REALLY REALLY miss you more than he ever thought he could
7. You have so much to do with taking care of the house, dogs, yard, pool, and of course your LIFE that you don't have very much time to be very sad for very long.
8. Deployments are a GREAT opportunity to start some new and better habits.. (like eating right and exercising more!)
9. You have a good reason to drink a glass of wine at night with your dinner
10. If all else fails.. you have the homecoming to look forward to!
:o)
Deployment thoughts of a military wife..
Well..
Deployment day has come and gone. The preparation for deployment is over and now the waiting has begun. The goodbye was not terrible. Sad. Lonely. A little bit depressing, yes. But, not terrible. I'm really happy with the Team of people my husband will be over there with. They're good people.. & good marines.. I know they will take care of each other.
So, hubby is in good hands.
As for me.. well.. I'm settling into my life alone. I'm hating every second of it currently.. and as I was driving home from the grocery stores this afternoon I finally figured out what is WORSE about this deployment than last deployment.
Last deployment everything was new... and overwhelming.. and scary. There was always the question of.. will I make it through this? Am I actually strong enough to do this? And this uncertainty of my strength and what the future would bring in a strange way actually pushed me forward to be strong and succeed. This deployment, like I've said.. I already KNOW that I will be OK. I already know what it's like to live this life alone for 7 months.. I already KNOW hubby and I can survive 7 months of life apart.
So instead of spending the first several months just focused on survival... the only feeling I have inside me currently is absolute total and complete DREAD. I dread the next 7 months. I pray that they will be fast and smoothe.. but I dread that they will be slow and bumpy.
*ugh.
Deployment.. I hate you!
I think I should just title my blog this from now on 
because I know that for the duration of 7 months.. pretty much all I will write about will be deployment...
Happy Reading.
:)
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Natural Disasters
As you may have heard from the news, today there was an earthquake in Southern California, and because of this, I can now say that I have indeed experienced an earthquake.
Ok. So, maybe the quake was SO weak and short lived where I live that I actually had myself convinced that I had knocked into my TV table and its rocking caused the chair I was sitting on to also rock beneath me. It's just that it happened too quickly and I was by myself so I had no one to affirm what I had felt.. so I just kind of shrugged it off as... "that was weird".
It wasn't until about 30 minutes later on facebook that I noticed friends writing about surviving the earthquake that I realized what I had experienced had NOT been some strange figment of my imagination... it was an EARTHQUAKE!
Yes, it's true, there's not much to my earthquake story. The only reason why I am writing about it now is to proclaim that I have in my past 4 years as a military wife experienced most (if not all) of the natural disasters the United States has to offer.
I was living in the Panhandle of Florida 3 years ago when Hurricane Dennis caused my husband me, our two dogs, and one that we were dog sitting to evacuate our home. I was even there when Katrina tore through Mississippi and Louisiana. Sure, Katrina to me was not much more than strong winds, rain, and the threat of tornadoes.. but the after effects of Katrina.. the devastation.. the fuel shortages.. were all very real to us living only 30 miles from the center of the storm.
And, of course, last year.. there were the Southern California wildfires that had me out of my home and more scared than I can ever remember.. but I won't go into that since if you scroll back in my blogs you can read all about THAT experience.
Oh, and of course.. I grew up in Pennsylvania and did experience one or two blizzards in my day.. even though.. I remember blizzards as nothing more than hot chocolate, cinnamon buns, days off school, jumping off the deck, and taking the unexpected vacation to paint the living room!!!
So, now I've mentioned earthquakes, hurricanes, (the threat of) tornadoes (as a direct result of the hurricanes), wildfires, and blizzards.
I don't know about you, but I'm thinking maybe I should invest in some flood insurance. What do you think?!
:)
Ok. So, maybe the quake was SO weak and short lived where I live that I actually had myself convinced that I had knocked into my TV table and its rocking caused the chair I was sitting on to also rock beneath me. It's just that it happened too quickly and I was by myself so I had no one to affirm what I had felt.. so I just kind of shrugged it off as... "that was weird".
It wasn't until about 30 minutes later on facebook that I noticed friends writing about surviving the earthquake that I realized what I had experienced had NOT been some strange figment of my imagination... it was an EARTHQUAKE!
Yes, it's true, there's not much to my earthquake story. The only reason why I am writing about it now is to proclaim that I have in my past 4 years as a military wife experienced most (if not all) of the natural disasters the United States has to offer.
I was living in the Panhandle of Florida 3 years ago when Hurricane Dennis caused my husband me, our two dogs, and one that we were dog sitting to evacuate our home. I was even there when Katrina tore through Mississippi and Louisiana. Sure, Katrina to me was not much more than strong winds, rain, and the threat of tornadoes.. but the after effects of Katrina.. the devastation.. the fuel shortages.. were all very real to us living only 30 miles from the center of the storm.
And, of course, last year.. there were the Southern California wildfires that had me out of my home and more scared than I can ever remember.. but I won't go into that since if you scroll back in my blogs you can read all about THAT experience.
Oh, and of course.. I grew up in Pennsylvania and did experience one or two blizzards in my day.. even though.. I remember blizzards as nothing more than hot chocolate, cinnamon buns, days off school, jumping off the deck, and taking the unexpected vacation to paint the living room!!!
So, now I've mentioned earthquakes, hurricanes, (the threat of) tornadoes (as a direct result of the hurricanes), wildfires, and blizzards.
I don't know about you, but I'm thinking maybe I should invest in some flood insurance. What do you think?!
:)
Monday, July 28, 2008
Maybe, Just Maybe
The countdown is really on now for D Day. Hubby's going away party has come and gone. Our last visitor has packed his bags and gotten on the plane for home. There's nothing left to look forward to.. except the countdown.. the last moments.. the waiting.
Have you ever had the hiccups... and when they go away you think you might still need to hiccup for the next couple minutes but no hiccups come out? And then you find yourself constantly checking whether you're going to hiccup or not? Well, this may very well be the WORST example ever.. but that's kind of how I feel right now. I keep doing these checks on myself. Every now and then I stop what I'm doing and do a check.. am I OK now? Am I STILL OK?! BUT WIAT, am I REALLy OK?! and the answer so far has been pretty much unequivocally, yes.
I'm fine.
Just like with hiccups.. after they go away and you're expecting one to come out at any second... it's a bit offputting that despite the fact that I keep expecting some kind of breakdown.. it isn't happening.
Maybe this deployment will be completely different. Maybe it really will be 10x easier than the last. I mean, Even since Hubby has been home I have grown accustomed to 2 week, 4 week, 1 week etc. absences. Maybe when deployment day comes.. I'll hug Hubby goodbye and something inside of myself will NOT fall apart. Maybe this goodbye will be just like all the many goodbyes we've had over the past few months.
I don't know.
All I know is that for now, I'm holding up firmly.
It helps that two weeks after Hubby leaves my parents will arrive in town.. and I know that any loose ends that Hubby leaves behind my parents will be sure to tie up nice and neatly before they go back to the East Coast. I know that by the time September arrives and the school year starts, my life will be neatly in order and once school gets going I won't have very much time to dwell on missing Hubby.. I will be too busy surviving.
So. Maybe, just maybe this deployment won't rip my life apart the way the last one did. Maybe, just maybe this one will be very different.
Here's to the hope of maybe.
:)
Have you ever had the hiccups... and when they go away you think you might still need to hiccup for the next couple minutes but no hiccups come out? And then you find yourself constantly checking whether you're going to hiccup or not? Well, this may very well be the WORST example ever.. but that's kind of how I feel right now. I keep doing these checks on myself. Every now and then I stop what I'm doing and do a check.. am I OK now? Am I STILL OK?! BUT WIAT, am I REALLy OK?! and the answer so far has been pretty much unequivocally, yes.
I'm fine.
Just like with hiccups.. after they go away and you're expecting one to come out at any second... it's a bit offputting that despite the fact that I keep expecting some kind of breakdown.. it isn't happening.
Maybe this deployment will be completely different. Maybe it really will be 10x easier than the last. I mean, Even since Hubby has been home I have grown accustomed to 2 week, 4 week, 1 week etc. absences. Maybe when deployment day comes.. I'll hug Hubby goodbye and something inside of myself will NOT fall apart. Maybe this goodbye will be just like all the many goodbyes we've had over the past few months.
I don't know.
All I know is that for now, I'm holding up firmly.
It helps that two weeks after Hubby leaves my parents will arrive in town.. and I know that any loose ends that Hubby leaves behind my parents will be sure to tie up nice and neatly before they go back to the East Coast. I know that by the time September arrives and the school year starts, my life will be neatly in order and once school gets going I won't have very much time to dwell on missing Hubby.. I will be too busy surviving.
So. Maybe, just maybe this deployment won't rip my life apart the way the last one did. Maybe, just maybe this one will be very different.
Here's to the hope of maybe.
:)
Monday, July 21, 2008
Temper Tantrums
When I was in college I used to babysit this 3-year-old girl on Friday nights who threw temper tantrums that should have gone down in the record books. These temper tantrums were full throttle..she must have used every ounce of energy she had left inside of her to crawl screaming around her entire downstairs for 30 minutes.. while slobbering everywhere. I can only imagine that the time that she SCREAMED at the top of her lungs for 45 minutes while in her highchair at dinner she must have done some damage to her vocal chords.. But, I'll tell you what, that girl was committed. Her temper tantrums were absolutely amazing.
and.. today and a little bit yesterday and for a few moments last week... I really felt like I wanted to be like that little girl and scream at the top of my lungs.. slobber all over the floor.. and throw myself around my house. For some reason I think that girl must've been onto something. Throwing a temper tantrum like that must really relieve a lot of frustration and anger. Not only that, but after 30 minutes of screaming and rolling around on the floor.. it seems to me that you'd have to be too tired to remember what upset you in the first place.
With hubby's deployment looming ahead of me and a going away party that seems to be crashing and burning in my face,who knows.. it is possible that I just might find myself rolling around my living room floor one afternoon screaming at the top of my lungs. I can't make any promises that it won't happen.. that's all I'm going to say.
:)
and.. today and a little bit yesterday and for a few moments last week... I really felt like I wanted to be like that little girl and scream at the top of my lungs.. slobber all over the floor.. and throw myself around my house. For some reason I think that girl must've been onto something. Throwing a temper tantrum like that must really relieve a lot of frustration and anger. Not only that, but after 30 minutes of screaming and rolling around on the floor.. it seems to me that you'd have to be too tired to remember what upset you in the first place.
With hubby's deployment looming ahead of me and a going away party that seems to be crashing and burning in my face,who knows.. it is possible that I just might find myself rolling around my living room floor one afternoon screaming at the top of my lungs. I can't make any promises that it won't happen.. that's all I'm going to say.
:)
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