Adapting to married life again after such a long separation wasn't all applie pie and smiley faces. It was a little bit more difficult than I had previously anticipated. The first two days went on without a hitch. We were two blissful lovebirds, bushy-tailed and rosey cheeked. Then, reality set in. And... We... Argued. We argued about everything.. and anything.. that we could possibly think to argue about. It was an interesting time. We went from one extreme (perfect blissfulness) to another extreme (perfect hell) until we figured out how to meet somewhere in the middle and function as a married couple again. I don't know how honest most couples are about these things, but I can only imagine that what we experienced was very typical. You can't expect to spend 7 months living a life apart and then converge upon a perfect relationship. It is something that has to be worked for. I am proud to declare, however, that we managed to figure things out and work through our troubles. That's what makes us such a wonderful couple. :)
In other news, My husband's future in the Marine Corps is no longer a COMPLETE mystery. He spoke with his XO a few days before Thanksgiving and found out that instead of going before this FFPB board (which could result it the loss of his wings and/or an adverse fit rep - which would make advancing beyond Captain nearly impossible) he had the option of requesting an MOS (career) change. If he did this, he would a) keep his wings and b) not have to worry about receiving an adverse fit rep. So, My husband, being the intelligent person that he is, decided that the voluntary MOS change would be the best way for him to go. He found out a few days ago that his voluntary MOS change has been approved, and now he simply has to begin deciding how he would like to continue his military career. Our number one priority right now is to stay in SoCal at all costs. Luckily, there are two accessible Marine Corps bases from our house.. Miramar & Camp Pendleton. Camp Pendleton would be a little bit of a commute (30-40 minutes) ; however, it's better than having to attempt to sell our house in a housing market that has bottomed out. We are crossing our fingers and saying our prayers and just hoping for the best.
Besides all that.... I broke my toe. That's right, you heard me. I.. Broke.. My... Toe. I slipped on our wooden floor last night and took a nasty spill that left me with a broken toe. Hubby denies that it is broken; however, my response to that is, "it's not YOUR toe, how would you know if it's broken or not?" -- :O)
AND... drum roll please... The pool man finally came today and our pump is back in working order! Hallelujah!
Until next time....
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Home at Last!
Tuesday morning at 2:00 am I woke to a phone call from my husband. He was in Ireland, on his way home. I didn't get back to sleep after that phone call; I was too busy tossing and turning with the knot in my stomach growing bigger and bigger. I made sure to keep busy all day long. Mike was predicted to arrive at 5:45 pm which meant a LONG day for me. I vacuumed my car, cleaned my car, got an oil change in my car, went grocery shopping, prepared food, and when I was finished with all of these tasks it was time to take a shower and get ready.
I followed another military wife on base to the flight terminal where the plane would be landing and was shocked when I walked into the building! There were people... hundreds of people, metal detectors, refreshments. The place was abuzz with excitement. We all stood in this large room for about 15 minutes before the doors opened and they allowed us to walk out onto the runway. Outside, there was a Marine Corps band playing patriotic tunes. People were waving American flags and Welcome Home signs.. news cameras were flashing their bright lights in people's faces, and we watched.. and waited.. for the plane to make its appearance on the scene. I saw a girl about 12 holding a sign that said "Welcome Home, Dad, you're my HERO" -- which brought a momentary wave of the possibility of breaking down into tears -- but I managed to quickly recover. There was no time to be sentimental; I was too busy watching for that damn plane!!!
When the plane finally made its appearance onto the scene, it was as if we had just spotted Superman flying in the sky. People yelled, "There it is!!" and everyone let out a loud cheer! The plane opened its doors and Marines started to pile out. I watched anxiously as I noticed one face after another that I did not recognize. Finally, I saw some of my friends' husbands walking all together and I yelled to them that there were their husbands.. and off they ran to greet them. Meanwhile, I still waited, searching each face. As each moment passed without success, I began to become a little unsure of myself, "What if I didn't recognize him?" And then, there he was. Was there anything about him that took me by surprise? Yes. His walk. I had forgotten that he moved in a way that was truly unique to only him.
It wasn't exactly how I had imagined it. I had to push through the people to get to him.. it seemed like forever after I spotted him before I was actually next to him. We didn't say anything; we just hugged, and then kissed. and then hugged again. When we finally made it back to the car, it was as if someone did a huge rewind in my life and we were back right where we started seven months ago. It's strange how seven months of my life that at times seemed so neverending and heartwrenching could be so easily forgotten. I guess it's kind of like how a mother feels after childbirth. Childbirth is painful and difficult, but when the mother sees her baby all thoughts of pain are washed away and all she sees is her beautiful baby. That's how it was with me. All that crap that went on over those seven months, all the tears that I shed, all those moments of heartache and loneliness were gone. erased. forgotten. And what was left was my husband and me driving home in our Jeep talking, laughing. Completely in sinc, completely comfortable, completely happy. :)
I followed another military wife on base to the flight terminal where the plane would be landing and was shocked when I walked into the building! There were people... hundreds of people, metal detectors, refreshments. The place was abuzz with excitement. We all stood in this large room for about 15 minutes before the doors opened and they allowed us to walk out onto the runway. Outside, there was a Marine Corps band playing patriotic tunes. People were waving American flags and Welcome Home signs.. news cameras were flashing their bright lights in people's faces, and we watched.. and waited.. for the plane to make its appearance on the scene. I saw a girl about 12 holding a sign that said "Welcome Home, Dad, you're my HERO" -- which brought a momentary wave of the possibility of breaking down into tears -- but I managed to quickly recover. There was no time to be sentimental; I was too busy watching for that damn plane!!!
When the plane finally made its appearance onto the scene, it was as if we had just spotted Superman flying in the sky. People yelled, "There it is!!" and everyone let out a loud cheer! The plane opened its doors and Marines started to pile out. I watched anxiously as I noticed one face after another that I did not recognize. Finally, I saw some of my friends' husbands walking all together and I yelled to them that there were their husbands.. and off they ran to greet them. Meanwhile, I still waited, searching each face. As each moment passed without success, I began to become a little unsure of myself, "What if I didn't recognize him?" And then, there he was. Was there anything about him that took me by surprise? Yes. His walk. I had forgotten that he moved in a way that was truly unique to only him.
It wasn't exactly how I had imagined it. I had to push through the people to get to him.. it seemed like forever after I spotted him before I was actually next to him. We didn't say anything; we just hugged, and then kissed. and then hugged again. When we finally made it back to the car, it was as if someone did a huge rewind in my life and we were back right where we started seven months ago. It's strange how seven months of my life that at times seemed so neverending and heartwrenching could be so easily forgotten. I guess it's kind of like how a mother feels after childbirth. Childbirth is painful and difficult, but when the mother sees her baby all thoughts of pain are washed away and all she sees is her beautiful baby. That's how it was with me. All that crap that went on over those seven months, all the tears that I shed, all those moments of heartache and loneliness were gone. erased. forgotten. And what was left was my husband and me driving home in our Jeep talking, laughing. Completely in sinc, completely comfortable, completely happy. :)
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Counting Down
It seems as though I blinked my eyes and found myself here. Where is here? Here is the ability to count the HOURS until my reunion with my husband. As with all things in my life lately, this, too, seems surreal. I don't yet fully believe that I will be hugging him in the near future.. but there is certainly a part of me that believes it. Or, atleast, believes something is going to be happening in the near future. I know this because I have this constant anxious knot in the pit of my stomach. This is the knot that keeps me from sleeping in in the morning (boo!).
I was talking to a fellow wife today, and she was telling me the woes of all the different wives rushing around to prepare for the homecoming. And, I said, "We've had 7 months to prepare for this day, yet somehow it managed to sneak up on us anyway." The truth of it is that it was the fires. Time sped by and life picked up and before I knew it I was receiving a call from my husband telling me he had officially left Iraqi soil. If I think about that too long and too hard, I'm sure to start crying. But, I don't seem to have time for tears at the moment.. so I will just rejoice in the knowledge that he will be home with me soon.
Life is a crazy thing. Seven months at times seemed neverending. But, now, looking back, it doesn't seem that seven months could possibly have passed since I hugged him goodbye in April.
Going into this deployment, I was most afraid of living this life alone. And while it certainly has been no picnic, I have found that strength that I hoped I would. I believe I have changed.. and grown.. a great deal over these months. I believe Hubby has as well. For the past 6 years (and then some) we have done all of our growing together. This was an interesting time where we did that growing apart. We both faced challenges of great magnitude that we were forced to deal with on our own terms. When he comes home, I have no doubt that we will easily pick up where we left off and continue our growing together once more.
I wonder if I will cry when I hug him for the first time. I wonder if there will be anything about him that I had briefly forgotten, anything that will take me by surprise at first. I wonder if he will look different to me.. I wonder if he will sound different.. I wonder if there will be a new word that he uses often... or a new joke that he likes to laugh about. I wonder if we will have so many things to say that we won't know where to begin.. I wonder if we will just automatically fall into our normal relationship or if things will be "polite" for a little while. I wonder so many things. I am so filled with excitement and anxiousness. I am ready for this homecoming though, so very ready.
So what if the pool is still black, the grass needs mowed, and the cars need washed. I have a feeling that there could be trash all over the floor and dirty laundry hanging from the lights and Hubby wouldn't even notice. He will be so excited to be back at his home with his dogs and his wife that nothing else will matter. :O)
I was talking to a fellow wife today, and she was telling me the woes of all the different wives rushing around to prepare for the homecoming. And, I said, "We've had 7 months to prepare for this day, yet somehow it managed to sneak up on us anyway." The truth of it is that it was the fires. Time sped by and life picked up and before I knew it I was receiving a call from my husband telling me he had officially left Iraqi soil. If I think about that too long and too hard, I'm sure to start crying. But, I don't seem to have time for tears at the moment.. so I will just rejoice in the knowledge that he will be home with me soon.
Life is a crazy thing. Seven months at times seemed neverending. But, now, looking back, it doesn't seem that seven months could possibly have passed since I hugged him goodbye in April.
Going into this deployment, I was most afraid of living this life alone. And while it certainly has been no picnic, I have found that strength that I hoped I would. I believe I have changed.. and grown.. a great deal over these months. I believe Hubby has as well. For the past 6 years (and then some) we have done all of our growing together. This was an interesting time where we did that growing apart. We both faced challenges of great magnitude that we were forced to deal with on our own terms. When he comes home, I have no doubt that we will easily pick up where we left off and continue our growing together once more.
I wonder if I will cry when I hug him for the first time. I wonder if there will be anything about him that I had briefly forgotten, anything that will take me by surprise at first. I wonder if he will look different to me.. I wonder if he will sound different.. I wonder if there will be a new word that he uses often... or a new joke that he likes to laugh about. I wonder if we will have so many things to say that we won't know where to begin.. I wonder if we will just automatically fall into our normal relationship or if things will be "polite" for a little while. I wonder so many things. I am so filled with excitement and anxiousness. I am ready for this homecoming though, so very ready.
So what if the pool is still black, the grass needs mowed, and the cars need washed. I have a feeling that there could be trash all over the floor and dirty laundry hanging from the lights and Hubby wouldn't even notice. He will be so excited to be back at his home with his dogs and his wife that nothing else will matter. :O)
Friday, October 26, 2007
Back to Reality..
It's actually almost completely unbelievable that it was only just about a week ago that this whole thing with the fires began. This week has been a strange one. It's pretty much a whirlwind of mixed up thoughts and memories all running together in my head. It was a distraction from real life, but now that the shock of the fires is wearing off I'm beginning to see that my reality has not changed.
It's been a little bit difficult for my husband to be there for me through all of this.. because he's so engulfed in the enormity of what is happening to him over there in Iraq. He's not doing well. So, though two weeks seems like nothing.. I think it will feel like an eternity for him before he arrives back home.. and possibly for me too.
agiharoygatq9-8y45qoitha;ldghad. <-----There's an idea of what is going on in my head right now. It's a gobblety goop of thoughts and ideas mixing together coming to no intelligent conclusions. I don't know what is going to happen to us. I don't know what Mike will be like when he returns. I'm afraid of what the terribleness of this whole experience has done to him. But, as with all things, only time will tell.
At this point, he just needs to be home and we need to start figuring out where we go from here.
It's been a little bit difficult for my husband to be there for me through all of this.. because he's so engulfed in the enormity of what is happening to him over there in Iraq. He's not doing well. So, though two weeks seems like nothing.. I think it will feel like an eternity for him before he arrives back home.. and possibly for me too.
agiharoygatq9-8y45qoitha;ldghad. <-----There's an idea of what is going on in my head right now. It's a gobblety goop of thoughts and ideas mixing together coming to no intelligent conclusions. I don't know what is going to happen to us. I don't know what Mike will be like when he returns. I'm afraid of what the terribleness of this whole experience has done to him. But, as with all things, only time will tell.
At this point, he just needs to be home and we need to start figuring out where we go from here.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
2007 Southern Cali Fires
Because I am still a little bit in shock, instead of attempting to get my thoughts out of my head and analyzing the events of the past 72 hours, I am simply going to post a couple of the emails that I sent out to family and friends. But, I do want to say that I have the deepest regard and respect for those firefighters who have worked tirelessly to get these fires under control. Also, my heart breaks for those people who have lost their homes to these horrible fires.
Email #1 Sent on Tuesday, 10/23
Hey All,
I know my mom has been sending out updates for some of you, but I thought it might be nice to let you all know that I'm not just alive I'm actually doing OK. It's been a LONG two days for me... I was watching some tv around 9:30 pm on Sunday night when an emergency announcement came on about the fires. Up until that point, oblivious as I am, I had no idea what was going on. I talked to a friend on the phone and while I was talking I thought I smelled smoke. I told her it must have been in my head, but she said it probably wasn't. So, I walked outside.... and was scared to death by the strong winds and smoke-filled atmosphere. As the night went on, the smoke and winds got worse, and I started to pack my bags. I also prepared lesson plans for school the next day and emailed them to my principal "Just in case" (since I live 30 miles from where I work the fires that I was experiencing were not affecting them at that time)-- I tried to stay up late, but ended up taking a two hour nap and setting my alarm so that I could wake up to see how conditions were. Things were moving really fast and I knew that in a matter of hours things could change dramatically.
In those two hours that I was sleeping the fires went from 2 fires to 8 fires, and the northeast part of my town was being evacuated. I got on 3-way with some friends of mine whose husbands are in Iraq with Hubby. We decided to meet up at the one girl's house who lived only about 10 miles away from me but right next to the highway. I spoke to Hubby and he told me it was OK if I left the bmw, as I felt most comfortable driving the Acura. We decided that the most important thing was for me to feel comfortable and to be safe. I left the house in a rush with two crazy dogs and two big bags.. and called my mom to tell her I had left. I was panicked but still thought I was "OK" until I opened my mouth to tell her I had left.. at which point I was sobbing so hard I could not speak. I feel bad for her in that moment of not knowing what was going on; because, I couldn't get my words out. That was the hardest part of all of this... a moment I probably will never forget. Walking out of my house with my most valuable possessions (some important papers, some wedding pictures, and my dogs) was the hardest thing I've ever had to do to date.
As soon as I arrived at my friend's house, I immediately felt better. I think the hardest part was being alone. Hubby had called and was trying to give me advice on where to go and what to do, but that couldn't make up for the fact that the decisions were mine alone to make and that was a frightening thing. My friend and I hung out a her house for about another two hours. We got in touch with another wife whose husband is deployed with Hubby who lives in La Jolla. She was kind enough to take the two of us and my TWO dogs in at her house. She is truly my guardian angel right now, and when this is all said and done I do NOT know how to thank her adequately.
Yesterday we literally spent our day glued to the tv. I am not exaggerating when I say that the couch where I was sitting had an imprint of my butt on it since I barely moved all day. It is a surreal feeling.. unbelievable most of the time. I can't yet even fathom the idea of beginning to think about not having a house to go home to.
The fact of the matter is, though, that I have no idea what is going on in my neighborhood right now. And on top of that, it really doesn't matter. If I lose my house, I have decided, it is just a house. The things inside are just things. That's easy to say, but a little more difficult to believe when it could be a reality..but I am in a place right now where I do believe it. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right? I am thankful for these friends that I am with. I am thankful to be here in a safe place. I am thankful to have my dogs with me. And, I am thankful that Mike will be home with me soon. In some ways, I am actually thankful that he is NOT here during this; because, if he was he might have to be one of the helicopters flying over those fires and dropping water. That is an unsafe place to be, and We (the wives) have decided that at this point we think they are much safer in Iraq.
So. That's what I know. Thanks for your supportive emails. I appreciate them.
Love, Sarah
Email #2 sent on Wednesday, 10/24
I thought you would all like to know that I am safe and sound at home with my dogs and all my worldly possessions in tact. This morning when I woke up the news said that my town was opened up. So, I went to breakfast with my fellow evacuees, then packed myself back up and headed home.
On my way, one of my friends who had already headed for home called me from my neighborhood. She had driven there to make sure that everything was OK at my house. She verified that it was and that there were people around. As I drove into the town it was bustling; there was lots of traffic on the road. This made me feel good; because, my fear was that I would arrive into a ghost town.
Copper and Ramsey knew we were home before I turned onto our street. They were SO excited to be back! My neighborhood is fine, and besides the soot, palms, branches, and other debris littering the ground you would have no idea that anything out of the ordinary had just happened here. I have yard debris but nothing terrible. Both of the cars I left here are perfectly fine, and my house even smelled good when I walked in (because in my rush to get out I left my air conditioning on by accident.. which I wasn't supposed to do.. but it filtered the smoke out of my house anyway). The ONLY thing that is going to cause me trouble is the fact that my pool is black from all the soot that has been flying around here.
At this point, I think my adrenaline has come to its end, and I am feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. I am so totally and completely beyond thankful that my little piece of the world is ok, and that Mike will be coming home to his HOME. I also can't be thankful enough for the group of ladies that went through this ordeal with me. Military wives as a whole are the strongest and most amazing group of people that I have ever met. We band together and take care of each other, and that is an amazing thing. I also feel proud of myself for handling things calmly and rationally. Other than my breakdown after leaving my house, I was able to stay positive and unpanicked through it all. And, while I'm making acknowledgements, I have to say that my dogs are the world's most amazing dogs. They have been through so much in their short little lives from evacuating from hurricanes, moving across the country, living in a hotel, to evacuating for fires. They are troopers through and through.
I don't really know how to put my feelings about this experience into words. I haven't really had a chance yet to step back from it and realize the enormity of it. Being a military wife for 3 years has taught me how to live in the "moment" really well, so that is what I have been doing. On Monday night, though, I fully believed that I might lose my house, and I was forced to come to terms with that. And, after mapquesting some of the burned houses in my area and seeing that they are only 5 miles from my house.. I know that it truly was a real possibility. The thought of that is beyond comprehension. And then to come back to a house today that is still standing and even still smells good is so unreal and strange.. and amazing all at the same time.
Thank you so much for all of your thoughts, prayers, emails, and phone calls.
I think I'm going to take a nap :O)
Love,
Sarah
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
emotions
Last night I went to a farewell party for one of the people in the squadron that will be relieving Hubby. They leave in the next few days. It was a weird experience for me for a couple of reasons. First of all, it was sentimental for me. I was surrounded by the aviation world. My world... or, what might possibly be my world of the past. Not that I have made the best of friends in this world or anything, but I have certainly created a circle. As a helicopter pilot, Hubby and I are surrounded by this world of people that we have known for the last 3 years. Some of these people have been recurring characters in our lives, some of these people friends of friends of friends.. but still.. it's a circle, a comradery. It was weird for me to think that very soon Hubbyand I may not be part of this small population of the world any longer. *sigh. This is why I said in one of my previous posts that I feel like someone died.. but that's not really what I meant. What I meant is that I am in mourning. I am grieving for life as I know it. It sounds strange to admit, but as crazy as the aviation life is, it is actually predictable in its unpredictability. :O)
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Thoughts about a reunion
Hmm..
Well, these days I find myself in much brighter spirits than I was in while writing my most recent posts. I attribute this to the fact that there is finally LIGHT at the end of that long, black tunnel. My husband's return is now LESS than a month away. I recently attended a Return and Reunion brief held on base. It was an interesting experience that had me feeling strangely emotional. In fact, if I'm going to be honest, it took everything in me not to burst into tears. Not sad tears, just emotional tears. This whole experience certainly has been an emotional rollercoaster ride.
Anyway. The woman who gave the brief put some excellent thoughts into my head for which I will probably be forever grateful. She said not to expect TOO much out of that reunion. She said don't expect your marine to look like Tom Cruise stepping off that plane. She said don't be offended if your spouse doesn't notice the new dress you have on or the fact that you lost 10 pounds. She said not to come to the reunion with expectations, just let it be what it is. I am really glad that she said this, because I actually HAD been playing the reunion over and over in my head.. and I can only imagine that if things weren't as poetic and romantic as in my daydreams, I would have been thoroughly disappointed. She said that our marine will not be so interested in what make up we have on or how we decorated the house for their return. They'll simply be overjoyed to see us and to BE home. She also warned us of that transition of being a couple again. And as much as I probably will deny it, I suppose it could be true that I have actually become accustomed to my life alone. Adding him to the equation might not be as easy as it sounds. It's a good thing to simply be aware of this so that I can be prepared for whatever obstacles arrive in our path.
In the end, I feel certain that I do know one thing for sure about our reunion. I will never forget the moment, when walking down the aisle to meet Hubby at the altar on our wedding day, our eyes first met. At the moment, I was filled with such overwhelming love and emotion. I have no doubt that as he steps off that (bus or plane.. or whatever it is he will be "stepping off of") the same overwhelming feelings of love and emotion will hit me. It's the thought of that very moment that gets me through these last few weeks with a smile on my face.
:O)
Well, these days I find myself in much brighter spirits than I was in while writing my most recent posts. I attribute this to the fact that there is finally LIGHT at the end of that long, black tunnel. My husband's return is now LESS than a month away. I recently attended a Return and Reunion brief held on base. It was an interesting experience that had me feeling strangely emotional. In fact, if I'm going to be honest, it took everything in me not to burst into tears. Not sad tears, just emotional tears. This whole experience certainly has been an emotional rollercoaster ride.
Anyway. The woman who gave the brief put some excellent thoughts into my head for which I will probably be forever grateful. She said not to expect TOO much out of that reunion. She said don't expect your marine to look like Tom Cruise stepping off that plane. She said don't be offended if your spouse doesn't notice the new dress you have on or the fact that you lost 10 pounds. She said not to come to the reunion with expectations, just let it be what it is. I am really glad that she said this, because I actually HAD been playing the reunion over and over in my head.. and I can only imagine that if things weren't as poetic and romantic as in my daydreams, I would have been thoroughly disappointed. She said that our marine will not be so interested in what make up we have on or how we decorated the house for their return. They'll simply be overjoyed to see us and to BE home. She also warned us of that transition of being a couple again. And as much as I probably will deny it, I suppose it could be true that I have actually become accustomed to my life alone. Adding him to the equation might not be as easy as it sounds. It's a good thing to simply be aware of this so that I can be prepared for whatever obstacles arrive in our path.
In the end, I feel certain that I do know one thing for sure about our reunion. I will never forget the moment, when walking down the aisle to meet Hubby at the altar on our wedding day, our eyes first met. At the moment, I was filled with such overwhelming love and emotion. I have no doubt that as he steps off that (bus or plane.. or whatever it is he will be "stepping off of") the same overwhelming feelings of love and emotion will hit me. It's the thought of that very moment that gets me through these last few weeks with a smile on my face.
:O)
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