Looking Forward...

The time has come again for me to spend the Christmas holidays away from my family. It wasn't quite as difficult as I anticipated it would be the first time around, but this time I get the distinct feeling it will be a little bit harder since... well... SAWYER.

 

I am excited about this Christmas vacation for a very different reason, though. This year, we are spending Christmas at Mike's parents' house in Florida. An hour away from Orlando.

 

Are you with me, people?

Yeah. That's right. This Christmas holiday come hell or high water I am going to THE HARRY POTTER THEME PARK! Heck yeah!

 

I have been wanting to go to this theme park since it opened, and my silver lining in spending Sawyer's first conscious Christmas (sure he was around last year, but he slept through everything. He was only a few weeks old) away from mi familia is that I FINALLY GET TO GO. WAHOO.

 

My favorite Harry Potter movie will forever be the first one. Why? Because I clearly remember sitting in the theater in complete awe of the world I read about in the books coming to life before me. Now I get to actually walk around in that world? Too cool.

 

Not sure if I should admit this in writing either, but I will most likely leave the park with a class sweater (Gryffindor, of course) or my very own wand. Annnnd, don't be too surprised if Sawyer is all garbed up in some sort of Harry Potter gear soon thereafter. Just saying. It's a strong possibility.

 

It's always fun to have something exciting to look forward to, and Christmas will be here before we know it.

:)

 

Home?

Mike and Sawyer in front of our SC home

I definitely had a nervous breakdown when I first got here. The stress of the past month(s) with Sawyer's health issues had me on the edge and the fleas sent me flying right over it into oblivion.

Besides the fleas, I was disheartened to realize that my neighborhood did not, afterall, include the built in/immediate bestest friends I had been daydreaming about. And then I went to an officers' spouses' get-together for the base where Mike works, at which I quickly discovered that no one there lives in the same base housing community we live, and I was heartbroken to say the least.

I even considered moving. again. to a different house in a different neighborhood. which shows you how desperate I was because I cannot tell you how much I freaking hate unpacking. And the house was already 75% unpacked.

It was those darn expectations that got me again. Expectations are the very worst if you ask me, because they almost always set me up for major disappointment.

I think it was the day that Sawyer and I took a walk to the playground behind our house. It is right on the bay. To the left is a fishing pier. To the right is an adorable little picnic area and along the bay are porch style swings where you can sit and enjoy the view. Sawyer and I spent some time swinging and looking. It was peaceful and picturesque.

I decided then.
This neighborhood does have something to offer. I feel safe here. I will give this place a chance.

I'll let you know how it goes.
For now, this place feels more and more like home every day.

My MoM

I have a vivid memory from my childhood of my mom hanging me upside down by my feet in the ocean. I remember being afraid to let her do it and making her promise that she would lift me up before a wave came. In my memory she didn't, and I ended up with a face full of salt water.

She adamantly denies that this ever happened. In my old age, I am starting to believe that maybe it didn't. It's the hanging me upside down by my feet part of the memory that is a bit suspicious.  Probably I just got knocked over by a wave, blamed her, and my imagination ran away with itself inventing this much more interesting story.

It's a joke between us now.  If ever I make a stupid mothering mistake, my mom will quickly quip, "Well, at least you didn't hang him upside down in the ocean!" Indeed.

It was my mom's birthday on the 10th. Don't ask me how old she is because I stopped counting a long time ago. In my mind, she will always be 40.

This post was meant to be finished on her birthday... but it wasn't...

Like all things that are very close to my heart, it is hard for me write about her... because... it just is.

In my adult life she has become one of my most cherished confidants. I was thinking about this yesterday and realized that this all came about during one of the hardest times of both of our lives. Mike was deployed, my mom had breast cancer, I was living in San Diego and commuting 45 minutes each way to work. I began calling her every day on my drive home. I needed someone to talk to. Or, maybe being so far away from her during such an important and terrible time in her life made me need to talk to her.Who knows, maybe she needed to talk to me too. It became part of our lives. Funny that out of such a dark time, something so amazing blossomed.

Now when anything happens big or small, I get the itch to call my mom. When I was first here in South Carolina without phone or internet for a few days, my mom told me she was going into withdrawal. There was just something not right about not talking to each other for so long.

My mom is always busy - but never fails to make time for her kids.
She is mother to many more people than just the 3 of us. Many people look to her for guidance and support. As listeners go, she is the best. As nurturers go, she is supreme. When you are down and out and need someone to be there to take care of you in any kind of way she will be there... to fold your laundry and wash your dishes if you just need some organization in your life. To listen to your endless complaining if you simply need a sounding board. She is able to sift through what you say - keeping the important things and instantly forgetting those things that you said but didn't mean.. To hang a curtain that suddenly makes your house feel like home.. To tell you things that sometimes you don't want to hear but it's important that you do. To make you feel special and interesting and loved.

At least, these are the things she does for me. These and much much more.

Happy Birthday, Mom. Belated. Some day I will figure out how to properly thank you for all that you have done for me - especially lately. For now, this will have to do.

Love
Sarah

sigh. of. relief.

We traveled an hour and half to Charleston, SC to see a pediatric endocronologist this afternoon.  Our new pediatrician was not completely confident that Sawyer's problem was solved when we had his 9 month check-up last week. Even though his head circumference jumped to the 50th percentile and his weight percentile was also going up (slowly, but surely), his height percentile was continuing to drop.

Really, I think that this Nurse Practicioner did not want to be the one responsible for an ALL CLEAR diagnosis after Sawyer had been on such a long road.

So we went. Tired at this point of doctors who are unsure. Who want to run test after test after test. Drawing blood from our little man who barely makes a peep every time a needle is stuck into his tiny little arm.

Personally, I felt good about going to see a specialist. Finally, I thought, someone who will know exactly what the heck he is talking about and will give us answers with assurance on his side. I was right.

The lovely doctor we went to see today assured us that he is not at all concerned about Sawyer's weight at this point (according to their scales he had gained a pound since his appointment only last week! why can't there be a universal scale because darnit one pound makes a heck of a lot of difference!!). He is now almost in the 50th percentile for weight! My heart soared when he gave me those numbers.

As far as Sawyer's height, he's not too concerned about that either. He theorizes that either a) Sawyer's height is just lagging a bit behind his weight and head percentile now that he is starting to pack on the pounds - he said that just as it is the height that is the last to go when a baby is not thriving, it can also be the last to come back up when the baby begins to thrive again.  or b) Sawyer's height has simply been dropping to its normal resting place at approximately the 25th percentile.  He does believe that Sawyer is meant to be tall-ish, but said that he might not shoot up until puberty. Basically, what he gave us was something no one else has been able to yet: assurance. Our baby is OK.  (Also, this doctor walked in and immediately gave him the award for cutest patient of the day. We kind of liked him a lot after that).

He does want to follow-up in four months to make sure that Sawyer is continuing to grow at an acceptable rate and he did notice something from Sawyer's last blood tests that he wanted to re-test. He said it's possible it's not an accurate reading and that happens a lot, but if it was an accurate reading it would be something that he would want to look into.

Overall, though, he had us leaving feeling better than we've felt in a long time.

And the blood draw today? It took about 10 seconds. The lady was awesome, and I am sure Mike and I made her day as we praised her over and over and over for her amazing blood-drawing-skills.

I pray that we don't get a call from that doctor telling us that what he noticed in Sawyer's blood tests really is something.  Hopefully we can then begin to close this door for a little while and move on with the knowledge that we have a healthy and happy little man on our hands.

Also, just 5 minutes ago, Sawyer pulled himself up to a standing position for the very first time.  It was the one thing his primary care pediatrician kept asking about last week... and now he did it. 
He never ceases to amaze us.
He's just the very very best.

And Then...

Our time in Pennsylvania was... relaxing. too short. just right. all of the above.

It got a little bit exciting thanks to the earthquake during which I seriously considered the idea that the world just might be ending.... and got even more interesting when the hurricane that I was trying desperately to ignore had us rushing south a day earlier than planned to avoid bad weather and horrific traffic.

It's funny. I was incredibly nervous about the car ride and it was totally easy breezy and carefree. We made great time. Sawyer was his content little self the entire ride. He even ate. Awesome.

When we got to our house, though... we placed Sawyer on the floor of the room we deemed to be his and.... what's that black speck on his face? and that one? what's that you say? fleas? FLEAS! a;lsdkjfa;sldfjadlkjasdlfjasd;ljfkaljkdf!!!!!!!!!

I'm thinking about opening a pest control company because I'm basically an expert on the topic now.
I kid, but it was actually horrendous. We arrived at our house Friday evening and doncha know our moving company was scheduled to arrive with our furniture promptly on Monday morning and it was the weekend so how the heck were we supposed to get the housing people to take care of this problem before our furniture arrived and became flea infested too!

Also. At our house. We have no AT&T cell phone reception.
which pretty much meant no contact with the outside world since phone, internet, and cable weren't scheduled to be set up until Wednesday...

So I kind of had a nervous breakdown. And the fact that Mike and I got through that weekend and are still married and in fact speaking to each other is a testament to the fact that I'm feeling pretty confident that we can survive anything. for realz.

We sprayed the carpet of the main offending room. We did an all natural carpet powder in that same room. We still found a few fleas hopping around. We bug bombed the house... About which I had another nervous breakdown because I'm pretty sure Sawyer is going to get cancer or develop autism or something equally upsetting because of all the chemicals he has been exposed to (no he wasn't in the house when we did this; we stayed at a hotel. I just can't imagine, though, that those chemicals go disappearing into thin air in 24 hours). Then that morning before the movers got there a pest control guy came and sprayed the house. This was the housing company's weak contribution to the solution of this problem. The housing lady then came in and walked from room to room in her white socks and proclaimed the problem to be solved. We are flea free. Hallelujah. From what I read, though, (I am very well read on this topic, believe you me) it's not uncommon for you to think the fleas are gone and then have another outbreak of them in a few weeks. The reason for this is quite interesting if you're into that kind of thing, so I won't bore you with the details. The only way to really get rid of them is diligent cleaning and diligent dousing the heck out of them with chemicals. done and done.

*crossing my fingers and praying for the best.

*asd;flkajsd;flkajsdf;lkajdsf;lkjasf!!!!!

for realz.

Mike's mom tells a story about when they moved to 29 Palms, CA. If you've never been there, take it from me: it's a desert wasteland. She says she cried as they pulled in and she cried as they pulled out. The lesson being, it is what you make it. The fleas and the not having any contact with the outside world may have clouded my vision about this place a bit at first. The clouds have begun to part, though, and I'm starting to see that this could be a nice place to call home for a few years. I will keep you posted.

the tides are turning..

Sawyer continued a modified version of his hunger strike throughout our time in Utah and into our visit in Denver. He ate practically nothing on the flight to Pennsylvania.
...and then

that first night at my parents' house before he went to bed...
he suddenly started eating again.

Like a snap of the fingers suddenly all was right with the world. He cries hungrily for his bottles. He is eating over 700 calories every single day (his target caloric intake is between 600 and 800 calories a day).

I can breathe again. Deep sigh of relief.

Who knows what was wrong. Was he just really not feeling well since he was coming down with his first cold during the time that he was refusing to eat. Was it all of the traveling that got to him? Did it have something to do with the elevation? Is he simply more comfortable here in his hometown? (I mean, he was born here afterall).

I'm sure I will never get a good answer to why he stopped eating for So Many Days! I just pray it NEVER happens again.  To say I thought I was going to explode is quite the understatement. Thankfully it's over. Hopefully forever.

I don't know where he is with his growth now. I don't know how much his hunger strike set him back. I can't even think about it right now. I am just overjoyed that he is eating his target calories. That's all I can ask for right now.

In the meantime, some other updates:
*in the midst of the craziness of travel, Mike stepped on my breast pump and broke it.  My internal battle of whether I should continue pumping or just put Sawyer exclusively on formula was answered for me. It was really annoying that it happened, but it was kind of a blessing because I didn't have to have guilt over one more thing...

*our renters moved in. hallelujah!

*Mike is in South Carolina as we speak. He picks up our house keys tomorrow. He has already been by the house and scoped out the neighborhood and peeked inside the windows. He says everything seems great, and I'm pretty excited to see our place. *crossing my fingers and hoping for the best!

I'm starting to feel like a normal human being again, and I'm very happy to be here with my family.

ALSO, one of my best friends just got engaged! I'm very excited for her, and it's looking like the tides are starting to change all around.

Looking happily forward to all of the positive changes the next few weeks will bring.

A tough few weeks

I have composed this post in my head at least 357 times. The longer I go without actually putting my thoughts into words the more I need to add to it. Now that so much has happened I find myself at a loss. How do I begin to explain my last two weeks?

I suppose I should tell you right off the bat that Sawyer did spend more than 3 days in the hospital... which was both a blessing and the worst experience of my life at the same time.

Sawyer appears healthy is active and happy, on this all of the doctors agreed.

Sawyer needs to gain weight, on this all of the doctors also agreed.

The first two days were a nightmare. Not an hour went by day or night when Sawyer was not disturbed by a doctor or nurse who wanted to examine him, take his vital signs, run a test, take some blood. He did not sleep and this was extremely traumatic for me. In those first few days they ruled out all of the scary stuff and left me with a thousand more questions than I came in with.

They never came right out and said it, but there was a time when they seemed to think that I simply was not producing enough milk for Sawyer to thrive. This was beyond devastating to me.

The pediatric dietician was the first to mention reflux... And she was adamant. Though sawyer was not presenting with the obvious symptoms such as projectile vomiting and extreme discomfort while eating, he was presenting with a variety of other symptoms that had been brushed off as various other 'normal' baby stuff by both me and my pediatrician. A persistent dry cough. Frequent choking or 'gagging' o his 'saliva', complainig while eating ( he often ate before sleeping and I assumed he was fussing because he was tired), turning his head sharply to the right while eating (apparently this closes off the pipe and keeps the acid from coming up). Then of course, the most important symptom, limiting his intake. Instead of being a fussy little man, my guy figured out that if he simply ate less he wouldn't have to deal with the pain...

So they started him on reflux meds and his intake went way up and he started really impressing the doctors on the scales. He was proclaimed to be cured and discharged from the hospital. Meanwhile, I have a small panic attack every time he takes a bottle or sits in his high chair for a meal.. worrying about whether he will eat enough... He has good days and bad, and I monitor his calories like a crazy person.

... and I do my best just not to let my mind wander too much because it's really easy for me to get to that place of self-blame where I beat myself up for having missed something so enormous...

The irony of it all is that I, the mom who flipped out over a bug bite or a possible sunburn had to spend several nights in the hospital with my baby whose official diagnosis going in was 'failure to thrive' - just typing those words makes me want to curl up into a little ball in the corner of a dark room.

And my mom was there. And I would not have managed this without her. And I hate that I'm not strong enough to have done this without her, but I have no problem admitting it as a fact.

And then it was time to move. Oh LOrd have mercy what a time to have to move. We did find renters, though, praise the lord. Somehow we managed to get everything done and we got in the car, drove down the road, and left our home of 5 years without a backwards glance.

During our long drive to Utah to see mike's sister and her family Sawyer began to refuse all food. He arrived at his aunt and uncle's house with his first ever fever. He continued his hunger strike for 2 days and even though he is eating better today he is still not taking in the calories he was after he left the hospital. I am doing better today, but when he really wasn't eating... when he would turn away from, cry, wriggle, and decidedly refuse every bottle we attempted to give him I thought I was slowly dying on the inside.

I am a private person, so having to undergo so much parenting difficulty so publicly in the hospital first and now with mike's family around, I have wanted many times to just take my precious little baby and run.

I cannot wait to get to Pennsylvania with my parents where I can finally begin to feel some normalcy again, and I pray that our transition to our new home goes much more smoothly than these past weeks.

In the meantime and through it all Sawyer has remained his happy, calm, and charming little self. I love him so.