a MAJOR question

To make Major or not to make Major that is the question.

...the question that will be plaguing the minds of both Mike and me for the next year or so...

Our future, it seems, is once again completely in the hands of that wonderful group titled United States Marine Corps. Oh, and is it ever anxiety inducing.

He has a few things going for him in his quest for the rank of Major:

* A bronze star. You can look it up and though the description of it might sound a tad lackluster, trust me, it's anything but. Mike is the only Captain I've ever come across with this prestigious award, and at every single military event that requires uniforms with such awards on them he is most certainly the talk of the town. Pleasantries go out the window and his encounters go a little something like this: "So.. how did you manage to get that BRONZE STAR?!" He got it because during his second deployment, he ended up going as the Commanding Officer at the last minute when the Major who was supposed to be the officer in charge was in a pretty bad car accident. That didn't ensure his bronze star, though. It was the amazing leadership job that he did that ensured the bronze star. Actually, Mike just told me a few weeks ago that the REAL reason he was recommended for the bronze star was because the Iraqi leader he was working closely with absolutely RAVED about him to the Colonel who was overseeing him. Because of the cultural differences, I don't think it's often that an Iraqi officer gets along so well with an American officer. That's Mike in a nutshell, though.

* Good evaluations aka: fitness reports. Mike always shows me his fitness reports and the most recent one had comments such as: CHALLENGE THIS MARINE and One of the few eminently qualified marines. Sounds like some good feedback to me!

He also has some things going against him...
That whole - I'm a pilot, but I'm not flying thing. To ensure his promotion to Major he probably should have gone through with the MOS change (career change within the marine corps) 4 years ago when he knew he wasn't going to be flying anymore. A nosy/negative nelly kind of Major recently told Mike he has no chance of making Major... because he's not competitive within his MOS. I challenge that every pilot stops flying sooner or later and takes on the administrative and leadership tasks that Mike has clearly already proven he is more than capable of handling. Nobody really knows, though. Unless you're the one sitting on that promotion board, you don't know what exactly they're looking for. We just have to cross our fingers and hope that they see what a strong leader he has proven himself to be.

*The very last wildcard in promotion to Major is a picture. How you look in that uniform is very important for the Marine Corps community, and my man has that hispanic butt that is so coveted by women everywhere. Unfortunately, he's a man and a marine and this trait is not a favorable one in either of these communities. He's working his butt off (quite literally) to try to have the most flattering picture possible, but the truth of the matter is that he does not have the typical body of a marine, and we can only hope that his picture is satisfactory so those promotion board members.

If he does make it to this next rank in the USMC, he will be able to retire at the ripe young age of 42. You really can't beat that.

While I think we both sometimes yearn for a life where the military isn't telling us where to live and how often I'm allowed to have my husband on U.S. soil with me, the truth of the matter is that military life is what we know. It's job security. A steady paycheck. A comfortable life. Community.

It's scary to think that 2 years from now, when Michael completes his next tour, we could very possibly be venturing out into the civillian world. We just have to believe that whatever is meant to be will be.

Joys and Challenges

I was very frustrated yesterday, but not with Sawyer. I was frustrated with myself. Probably I shouldn't have been frustrated with anyone. I should simply have coughed it up to, 'one of those things to make me stronger - one of those things to work to improve'.

But at the time? When I'm living it? I feel like it is the be all and end all of everything. I get super intense and stubborn about the whole thing.

Even during that whole escapade, though, (which I'm realizing now took up almost our entire day together - holy crap!) I stopped for a moment and smelled the roses. I told Sawyer that he is my greatest gift and my greatest challenge.

Maybe it's my short term memory kicking in here, but I swear that commanding a room full of 34 7th graders was never quite as challenging as this mommy stuff.

It was never quite as rewarding either.

In the rare event that Sawyer stops his desperate attempts at seeing everything in the entire world and actually rests his head on my shoulder... I get chills. Literally. Oh I love him so.

Last weekend after we returned home from a bar-b-q where Sawyer was on his very best behavior - Mike held Sawyer in his arms and said, "Sawyer, you are the best thing about our life."

I could have exploded with joy.

Naptime Gone Bad

12:25 - Sawyer is pretty fussy playing on the floor. I decide to change location/activity to ward off boredom/frustration

12:34: Sawyer continues to be fussy at next location. eye rubbing commences.

12:37: I decide it's time to start Sawyer's naptime routine. He must be tired.

12:40: Sawyer is in his sleep sack, the lights are dim, and we are sitting on the chair in his nursery listening to his naptime music.

12:50: Music stops - Sawyer has rubbed his eyes 5 times during the 10 minutes of naptime music. I figure he's tired but not quite ready to go down in his crib yet. I turn the music on again for another go.

1:00: Sawyer is still awake but seems on the verge of sleep. I place Sawyer in his crib. frantic leg kicking and arm waving commences.
- Sawyer takes his pacifier out and throws it across the crib
- I wait a few minutes. put it back in.
- Sawyer throws it out again.
- I put it back in.
- Sawyer flails. flails. rubs eyes.
- eyes almost close... but whip back open again.

1:10: music ends. again. I look at watch. Notice it is almost 3 hours since Sawyer's last meal.

1:12: Sawyer is out of his crib. I change his diaper. While playing with his pacifier, Sawyer gets it stuck in his mouth at a strange angle. He screams at the top of his lungs.

1:15: I begin feeding Sawyer - hoping that he will nurse himself to sleep.

1:30: Sawyer is done eating, wide-eyed, and babbling happily away. I sigh. Is he NOT tired?

1:32: I take Sawyer's sleep sack off, bring him out to the living room, place him on the floor with his toys, fix myself a sandwich for lunch.

1:40: Sawyer CRIES. complains. CRIES.

1:45: He seems tired to me.

1:50: We're back in his nursery. sleep sack back on. sitting in the chair in his nursery. I read him a book. I turn on heartbeat background noise since naptime music does not seem to be doing the trick.

2:00: Still Awake. Struggling.

2:10: I decide that he IS going to fall asleep in that crib. I attempt to let him cry it out.

2:15: He cries. I cry. Everybody cry cries. I leave the room.

2:25: I come back. Resign myself to picking him up and rocking him to sleep in my arms. This technique rarely fails though I have been trying to use it less since the books, internet, and my mom all warn me that if I keep doing that I'm going to be rocking him to sleep until he's 2.

2:35: still awake.

2:40: I give up. turn on the light. play time on the floor.

2:50: He seems to be playing nicely. His eyes are oh so sleepy, though... and oh so red. I scream on the inside. He's clearly tired. WHY WON'T HE SLEEP?

2:55: He starts howling. Pathetic, Exhausted Screams and Sobs.
I pick him up. Rock him to sleep in my arms. He is out almost instantly. Even as he sleeps he continues to make those catching breath sobbing sounds for quite some time.

3:05: I feel bad that he got so upset that he is still sobbing even as he sleeps. I continue to cradle him in my arms.

3:10: I lay him down in his crib.

I leave the room feeling frustrated. defeated. terribly inept. The. Worst. Mom. Ever.

...and I wish I could tell you this was the first time I experienced something like this.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
At night, though, he sleeps like a dream... (in a pack-n-play, next to our bed. but that's a story for another day...)

Why Didn't Anybody Tell Me?

Warning: If you are of the male gender, are squeamish, or just uninterested in vivid pregnancy and post partum information and details please click away from this site and come back another day.

I’m going to alternately title this post: Everything I Wish Someone Had Told Me about Pregnancy, Labor, Delivery, and Beyond….

Let me begin by saying, during my pregnancy and beyond I experienced many things that shocked the hell out of me. Despite the fact that I have a SISTER, FRIENDS, COUSINS, and in fact a MOTHER who had all gone through this before, there were many things that no one bothered to warn me about. I guess they figured I would figure it all out on my own – the way they had. Here’s the thing, though. I like to be prepared. And I totally wasn’t.

Lessons in Pregnancy:

• It often takes a lot longer than you expect for people to start noticing that you are pregnant. In fact, I was a good 7 months pregnant before the first stranger ventured to ask about my pregnancy. I was 9 months pregnant and OVERDUE before everyone and their mother started commenting on the fact that I was pregnant and asking about when I was due.

• You’re either going to get stretch marks or you’re not going to get stretch marks. Go ahead and apply copious amounts of lotion to your belly. It will help the itchy feeling of your skin stretching, but it will not keep you from getting stretch marks. It’s all genetics. If your mom got them, you probably will too. I thought I was home free until mine appeared the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy – this was especially annoying because Sawyer was 10 days late and had he just been a bit early…. *sigh.

• Your belly button may or may not become an outtie during pregnancy. Mine didn’t, but it did stretch in an ungodly kind of way.

• No matter how much you just WANT THAT BABY OUT OF YOU – it really IS best to try to give the baby a chance to come on his or her own terms. There was no convincing me of this during my pregnancy, but in retrospect, I am glad that Sawyer got to come out in his own way and time.

Labor:

• You will know that it’s time to go to the hospital when your contractions hurt so bad you can barely stand it. You won’t WANT to talk or walk around during one of these painful contractions, but you will be physically able to if you must. When I got sent home from the hospital the first time, I was told not to come back until I couldn’t walk or talk through my contractions. This advice was faulty.

• I was really pissed off that I got sent home from the hospital when I first went (which apparently happens! If you aren’t like crazy dilated when you get there and if you don’t make significant labor progress after being there for one hour!), but I didn’t go back for another 12 hours or so, and I really am glad I got to spend those 12 hours in the comfort of my own home.

• The needle for the epidural does not hurt. You needn’t worry about this if you are considering the epidural. Getting the epidural was only a tiny blip in my memory and cannot possibly compare to any of the other pain I experienced while in labor/during delivery/post partum

• After I received the epidural I pretty much felt like I was on a luxury vacation. All that was missing was the fruit flavored daiquiri….

Delivery:

• …. Until it was time to push. At that point I suddenly felt all the pain again. Note: the epidural does not necessarily take away the pain of pushing a baby out. I did not know this. I thought epidural meant completely pain free. I was sooooooooooo wrong.

• Most of delivery is a gigantic blur.

• I was surprised that every muscle in my body ached the day after delivering Sawyer. It is quite the workout. I imagine it is not quite as taxing on the body if you push for, say, 20 minutes instead of 2 hours.

Beyond:

• There’s a pretty good chance that you will often crave whatever you first eat after giving birth. My dad brought me a strawberry milkshake, and I cannot get enough of those bad boys these days. Delish!

• You’re going to be pretty uncomfortable for a while. Expect lots of blood (this goes for during delivery, too!)

• You get absolutely no peace during your hospital stay. This goes for all hours of the day and night. If the nurse isn’t coming in to check on the baby, the nurse is coming to check on you, the pediatrician is there to see the baby, your OB is there to check on you, the cafeteria lady is there to take your breakfast order, or someone is there to take your blood… it is never ending.

• After you give birth you have a surge of adrenaline running through you like none other. Despite the fact that I had been awake for over 30 hours and gave birth in the middle of the night, when all the craziness settled down, Mike passed out in his cot and I lay in my hospital bed wide-eyed and acutely aware of every sound my precious new baby was making.

• When you are discharged from the hospital they might put something on your release form like: use stool softeners as needed. Take it from me: shuck out the millions of dollars that crap costs and use it. Trust me, this is not a lesson you want to learn the hard way. (no pun intended) ;)

• Lansinoh is the best friend of a breast feeding mother.

• There will be a short time where your entire life will be centered around feeding your baby. It’s been this many hours since I fed my baby. I can sleep for this long before I feed my baby again. I can be at the store for exactly this amount of time before my baby needs to eat again. I can visit with my friends for this long before I will have to excuse myself to go feed my baby… A newborn baby also takes a veerrrry long time to eat. This will pass. The feedings will get shorter as the baby gets older. Your life will not always be entirely consumed with feeding your baby.

• Don’t be disheartened when you look in the mirror. The pregnancy weight will come off. You simply have to give it time.

• Your life will change… in all the very best ways possible. Your baby will bring joy to your life that you did not even know existed.

* As crazy, painful, and difficult as it all is... it really IS worth it.

(Ok, so maybe people did tell me those last two. It's just that I didn't really understand what they meant until I had the opportunity to experience it for myself.)

reaction

At the end of my sophomore year of college, one of my hometown friends committed suicide. It had been many years since the two of us had been close, but he was part of my girl/guy group from about junior high until 11th grade. I'm pretty sure we stopped being friends when I got my eyebrow pierced and he and his friends disapproved. Strange. Yes. Both that I got my eyebrow pierced and that people stopped being friends with me because of it. It was kind of a big deal at the time.

He and those friends started getting into drugs soon thereafter and that officially ended whatever remnants of friendship that remained between us. I went to his funeral, though... at the end of my sophomore year of college. Because I grew up in a really small town, and even though it had been a while since we had been close, we HAD been close. To say it was sad is a bit of an understatement. What I remember most about that funeral was looking at his family - specifically his brother. My friend was the oldest of four. He had two brothers and a baby sister. I just couldn't stop staring at the next oldest brother. He looked as though the weight of the world was on his shoulders, but he was standing so straight and tall.. so grown up. so ready and willing to take on all of the responsibility that had just been dumped on him. My heart went out to him.

His mom spoke at the funeral and explained that he had just gotten so deep into drugs that he didn't see a way out. He felt hopeless. He shot himself with his father's shotgun.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was teaching, the year that I had an 8th grade class of 20 boys, 2 of them approached me at separate times during the year and told me that they were seriously contemplating suicide. I was so sad to know that these young teens felt so much pain that they would consider such a thing. They both ended up going to professional counseling and I am in touch with them to this day and am pleased that in all appearances, they seem to be happy, well-adjusted high school sophomores.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One Thanksgiving dinner with Mike's family, my brother-in-law who is a law enforcement officer for the national parks system, turned to me and began telling me how one of his friends had confided his feelings of hopelessness and despair to him. My brother-in-law had given him some kind words of advice and hadn't thought about it again. The next time he saw his friend, he was pulling his dead body out of his truck.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just recently, the son of my mother-in-law's best friend committed suicide.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This week, one of my facebook friends started posting some strange status updates. The first one that caught my eye stated something along the lines of: "It's hard to have hope when you lose everything you care about in the span of a week"

Then: "I give up"

and yesterday: "Goodbye"

It was the goodbye that really bugged me. How cryptic and strange after such strong assertions of sadness and loss of hope.

He is one of those facebook friends that you have but don't really know too well. Again, he was a good friend of mine during the junior high/early high school years. I don't have his phone number. I'm not in touch with any of his friends. So I sent him a private facebook message saying that his statuses were making me nervous and asking if everything was OK.

A few hours went by and he did not respond.
I grew increasingly anxious about this.
Mike came home early that day - strangely - and I told him about it. He said, "Well, doesn't your mom know his mom?" (this question is based on the notion that my mom knows everyone in the small town where I grew up). Yes, my mom does in fact know his mom. He urged me to call my mom. I wasn't sure - I certainly didn't want to overreact if it was nothing.

Then I thought about all of the examples I presented to you above...
I certainly didn't want to underreact either.

I called my mom. She called her friend who is really the one who is good friends with his mom. Her friend called his mom and said, "Maybe you should check on him?"

An hour or so later he finally wrote back. "I'm ok. Thank u"

I don't know what was going on with him that day. I have no idea if I overreacted. All I know is that I reacted, and that according to his assertion, he is ok. That's good enough for me.

Excuses Excuses

My grandmother used to say, "It's a piss poor mother who can't come up with a good excuse for her child."

For the past week or maybe more, Sawyer has been grumpy. I don't mean grumpy for a few moments here and there. I mean that I was jumping through hoops to try to keep that baby from complaining and crying All. Day. Long.

I mulled a few possible "excuses" over in my head. Possibly it's the tooth that I'm pretty sure is trying to find freedom from inside his gums. OR. Maybe he's just at an awkward stage of life. He's curious. Everything that you put in front of him he wants to Touch and Grab and Put In His Mouth. He wants to sit up, lean forward, stand, look around at EVERY SINGLE THING. He wants to be on the move. He does not want to be on his stomach. ever. He does get frustrated with most things after only a few minutes. (Do I smell short temper in his future? watch out world.) Basically, the final excuse that I settled on is that his brain is developing faster than his physical abilities. He wants to do so many things, but he can only do a few of them. I imagine that would be very frustrating.

But it's been exhausting for me.

This morning when he woke up and played in his bouncy seat without complaint while I ate my breakfast, I sighed with great relief and enjoyed my breakfast without stress. When he laid on the floor contently playing with his feet for quite some time, I began to feel some hope. And when he went peacefully down for all three of his naps, I took a breath of fresh air.

Yes. Ok. I can do this. Looks like my baby is not going to be forever grumpy. So he had a couple of rough days. Haven't we all?

.......................................................

You should know. The very day after I wrote that last post about Sawyer rolling over, guess what he did? He rolled over. Only once. But he did it. Again. Finally. He hasn't done it since, but I'm not going to worry about it this time. I think he was letting me know, "Yeah, Mom, I can still do it. When I'm ready and want to, I'll amaze you by rolling over all the time. For now, let me do things my way, on my own schedule."

Sure thing, baby boy. Thanks for teaching me an important lesson.

A worrier by my very nature, there's hundreds of things to worry about when a baby enters the mix.

For example, a few weeks ago? Sawyer started rolling over. He did it a few times one day and then two days later he did it approximately 10 times. Every time I put him on his tummy, he rolled to his back. Since then, though? Nothing. He doesn't do it any more. Do you think maybe I've worried about this?

Now when I put him on his belly he complains. and complains. and complains. and COMPLAINS. Mike says he's just not interested in rolling anymore - been there, done that. Mike doesn't worry about these things. If Mike's worried, it probably means the world is collapsing at our feet, so I have a hard time accepting Mike's explanations for things... I have learned that he can be correct at times, though. (This is something I have trouble admitting, so *shhhh, our little secret!)

When Sawyer gets on his tummy now, he scooches up his butt and tries to move. I imagine that he's thinking to himself, "Rolling over is for babies. I want to get MOVING!" Though he works so very hard at this new scoot maneuver he has developed, he complains the entire time. I usually let him stay there until the complaining shows signs of turning to actual tears, because if I picked him up after the first complaint he would spend absolutely no time on his tummy. Then when I do pick him up? He looks shocked. He leans forward as if he wants to get back at it, as if to say, "How rude of you to interrupt my hard work, Mom!"

I've decided that I have a very determined, but very easily frustrated little man on my hands. Like his mommy, if he doesn't perfect a new skill immediately, he has no patience for it. He doesn't give up like his mommy would, though. He keeps trying. He groans and grunts the entire time, but he does not give up.

Sawyer has the ability and the skills to roll over, he proved that to me a few weeks ago. He just isn't doing it.

What he DOES, though? He reaches for everything in his path. If you're sitting at a table with him in your lap, be careful of what is within his reach because he will go for it. I didn't think I'd have to worry about that for another couple of months, but I was wrong. Also? He loves nothing more than to stand AND His face lights up in the most magnificent smiles All The Time. Did you know? The other day, I was in the bathroom getting ready, and I had him in his bouncy seat playing with a toy. I turned away for a moment, and when I looked back at him, I noticed he had dropped his toy and was leaning almost out of the entire seat, reaching to pick the toy up again. How did my baby get so big to be able to do that? I guess the bouncy seat is for supervised play time only, now. He also kicks his legs up in the air, grabs onto his feet, and examines them with great intensity. Oh. One more thing. He's trying to master the art of taking his pacifier out of his mouth and putting it back in. It's quite the challenge, but he is determined.

Maybe this is one of those times when Mike is correct. Maybe the point isn't that Sawyer doesn't roll over anymore. Maybe the point is that Sawyer does this, and this, and ohmygosh he just started doing THAT. He's so curious, and he's developing new and interesting skills every single minute. Maybe I should stop lying awake at night worrying about what he's NOT doing, and start lying peacefully at night rejoicing in all that he IS doing.

I'll try.