I have good news!! I actually slept last night... it's a miracle! :o)

And, I'm just writing to share something cool with you. I'm not much of a math whiz, and when calculating the time difference for me and Hubby I have to resort to finger counting. So, to make things easier on myself, I look at this

Iraq

pretty cool, huh?

Insomnia Cont'd

I couldn't sleep again last night. And I wasn't very happy about it. It was NOT a pleasant night for me. This time, I couldn't sleep in and get my full 8 hours since I already took those two days off from responsibility thanks to my LAST bout with insomnia. So, I guess I'll just have to be tired today.

I have a vague recollection last deployment of discussing the fact that I was having trouble sleeping after Hubby left. But, I don't actually remember anything like the two nights I've had recently. I mean.. maybe it took me an hour longer or something to get to sleep last deployment.. but 5 hours to get to sleep? 5 hours? Seriously?! What's the problem here?!

So, I took the opportunity to look up "I can't sleep while Hubby is deployed" on google and discovered that insomnia while Hubby is on deployment is very common. But, that's not really any relief and for once sharing the same experience of other military wives does NOT bring me any comfort. I do NOT want to be unhappily awake in the middle of the night and exhausted during the day for the duration of this deployment!

Unfortunately, now that I've experienced this a couple of times, I think I'm going to have some anxiety every time I go to bed. I think I'll be expecting a night of insomnia and because of this might actually cause myself to have one. It's a vicious cycle.

The worst thing about my insomnia last night is that I actually started to get scared. I'm OK at home alone... but every now and then... if I'm awake late at night... I get a little nervous and start picturing invaders creeping around the outside of my house. And, to be honest with you, the fact that I could hear my border collie standing in front of the back door growling a very LOW pitched and serious growl for ten minutes didn't make me less afraid. He's a GREAT dog to have around, but every now and then he growls at his own shadow like it's a murderer and it scares the living CRAP out of me.

This is just one more reason why I would really prefer to be blissfully sleeping at 3:00 am.. Not tossing and turning and wondering, "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!"

Oh insomnia.. please go away and leave me alone. :(

Gratitude

I am a military wife, yes. But I am not one of those "thanks to my husband you have freedom" kind of military wives. And believe me, I know these kinds of military wives. When their Hubby is on deployment they march around telling everyone that Hubby is deployed.. expecting gratitude, thanks, and/or pity.

I am proud of my husband, yes. I am proud that he serves his country without question or judgement. But, I guess I just don't expect others to express or even FEEL gratitude for what my husband and even I are doing.

So, when people do express gratitude.. it comes to me as a surprise.. and often.. it makes me emotional.

After Hubby and his Team left for Iraq, I was messaging back and forth with one of the other wives and she said that she was holding up well.. other than breaking into tears while talking to the insurance company.

At the time, I thought WHAT?! You broke down into tears talking to the INSURANCE company? How strange is THAT. I thought that, that is, until I myself finally made MY phone call to the insurance company today to tell them that hubby was deployed and will be a non-operator on our cars for the next 7 months.

Let me explain. This insurance company isn't just ANY insurance company. This insurance company is USAA.. the world's greatest insurance company that (as far as I know) is only available to military families. And, after speaking with them, I understand why my fellow military wife broke into tears. Because... I almost did, too.

Why did I almost cry on the phone with my insurance adjuster?? No, it wasn't because I had to tell her that Hubby is deployed.

I got a tad bit choked up, because at the end of the call my insurance adjuster wished hubby a safe deployment & SINCERELY thanked Hubby and me for serving our country.

It hasn't been often that someone has said this to me. But, I know that when they do, they say it because they mean it. They are under no obligation. For some reason, in their hearts and in their lives, they are truly thankful to the military service members for the sacrifices that they make.

It gets me every time, because it's not something that I expect people to feel or even say.. but it is something that I appreciate.

So. I'm going to flip this around a little bit and say, "Thank you to the people who are thoughtful enough to thank your military servicemembers and their families. You, too, are appreciated"!!

:)

Insomnia

Last night for the first time in a very LONG time I. Could. Not. Sleep. I followed the normal routine that I have been following since hubby has been gone. I ate dinner, took Ramsey on a walk, did the elliptical while watching some shows, did the internet thing for a little bit, and hit the sack before 11:00 pm.

Last night, however, as I lay in bed, sleep would not come. My mind raced in a thousand directions, and despite the fact that my body was exhausted over my newly formed exercise routines, my mind refused to rest. And so, at 2:30 am, I finally gave up on any last shreds of hope I had that I might sleep at a normal hour and took to the couch to watch one of my very favorite (and almost forgotten) movies Almost Famous. I hoped I would fall asleep halfway through the movie, but alas, this was not to be.

After the movie was over, I got on the internet for a little while and finally felt as though If I went to bed then, I might actually fall asleep. So, I did, and I did. The time of sleep for me last night? 4:30 am.

Only to be awoken at 8:30 am by a phone call from Hubby. Although, for once in my life, I can't say I was upset for being woken up. After the phone call I decided that today I had to forget about my plans to go into school, and I went back to sleep to get my full 8 hours. So..

I'm taking some time off. Today and tomorrow I will NOT go to school and work on my classroom. I boycott school and my classroom.. because, I do believe that it was school in the first place which had my mind unable to rest last night. The stress of it is overwhelming.

I'll go back on Friday. And today and tomorrow I will relax.. because.. I think I need it.

What's my motto again? Ah yes, that's it.. "Put off today what you can do tomorrow" :o)

Nightmare

Tonight I watched a movie on Lifetime called Fab Five and while watching it, I practically pulled out my own hair. It was pretty much torture for me, as a teacher, to watch this movie which is about 5 girl cheerleaders who have complete control over their administration, do whatever they want, and have no consequences for their actions.

The way they treat their teachers in this movie was painful for me to watch because it actually brings to life the ONLY recurring nightmare I've ever had in my entire life. In my nightmare my students are running amuck (sp?) in the classroom and absolutely refuse to listen to me. I have no control.. my principal can't (or in some cases won't) help me.. and it is literally the worst feeling ever. When I have this dream I usually wake up shaking my head around like a maniac because I am so crazy and upset about it.

Well, in this movie.. (which apparently is based on a true story) exactly that has happened. These girls (one of whom is the daughter of the school principal) are able to do exactly what they want and get away with it. None of the teachers have any control over the girls.. and the principal does nothing to help.

I don't know if this was the best movie for me to watch before this school year begins.. because this year I will have a very challenging class. Last year this class walked all over their teacher and acted more like wild animals than teenagers. I don't doubt that all they need is structure and some "tough" love... and that I will be able to tame them and (hopefully) bring out the best in them.

But.. I also don't doubt that before the year is over.. I will have had many of my recurring nightmares of a class that has gone out of my control.

*Wish me luck.

Deployment Positives...

If you're going to follow my "Thought of a Military Wife" blog for the next 7 months, then there's something you need to know now. If there's one thing I learned during the last deployment it was that during deployment I become bipolar. Probably if I went to a Dr. it would be a dianosable disease. Seriously. It's crazy. And, I'm only telling you this because if you look at my last entry.. and look at the entry I'm about to write you'll notice that I go from very melancholy to very positive in a single day. That, my friends, is the mind of a military wife during a deployment. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I decided to write a list of
REASONS WHY DEPLOYMENTS AREN'T SO BAD AFTERALL
1. You have an excuse to go to the hairdresser and try out a completely new (and super cute)hair color and syle.
2. People do really awesome things for you like surprising you with dozens of beautiful roses on your front doorstep the day after hubby leaves(Thanks AIM!)
3. You have a really good excuse for why your house is a gigantic mess (and why even though you're not currently working.. you're not planning on cleaning it today!)
4. You have the unique opportunity to make friends with some of the ladies from Hubby's Team who are going through the same thing as you.. (and these friendships are absolutely priceless!)
5. You don't have to worry about Hubby taking up 75% of the bed and leaving a sliver for you to sleep on. :)
6. Hubby gets a chance to REALLY REALLY miss you more than he ever thought he could
7. You have so much to do with taking care of the house, dogs, yard, pool, and of course your LIFE that you don't have very much time to be very sad for very long.
8. Deployments are a GREAT opportunity to start some new and better habits.. (like eating right and exercising more!)
9. You have a good reason to drink a glass of wine at night with your dinner
10. If all else fails.. you have the homecoming to look forward to!

:o)

Deployment thoughts of a military wife..

Well..

Deployment day has come and gone. The preparation for deployment is over and now the waiting has begun. The goodbye was not terrible. Sad. Lonely. A little bit depressing, yes. But, not terrible. I'm really happy with the Team of people my husband will be over there with. They're good people.. & good marines.. I know they will take care of each other.

So, hubby is in good hands.

As for me.. well.. I'm settling into my life alone. I'm hating every second of it currently.. and as I was driving home from the grocery stores this afternoon I finally figured out what is WORSE about this deployment than last deployment.

Last deployment everything was new... and overwhelming.. and scary. There was always the question of.. will I make it through this? Am I actually strong enough to do this? And this uncertainty of my strength and what the future would bring in a strange way actually pushed me forward to be strong and succeed. This deployment, like I've said.. I already KNOW that I will be OK. I already know what it's like to live this life alone for 7 months.. I already KNOW hubby and I can survive 7 months of life apart.

So instead of spending the first several months just focused on survival... the only feeling I have inside me currently is absolute total and complete DREAD. I dread the next 7 months. I pray that they will be fast and smoothe.. but I dread that they will be slow and bumpy.

*ugh.

Deployment.. I hate you!

I think I should just title my blog this from now on

because I know that for the duration of 7 months.. pretty much all I will write about will be deployment...

Happy Reading.

:)