Ready

In a couple of minutes my good friend who is a fellow San Diegan and who is also from my hometown in Pennsylvania will be picking me up so that I can begin my Christmas journey. We leave on a plane tomorrow VERY early in the AM, and will be arriving at Washington Dulles around 3:30 pm, which will have us arriving at our childhood homes around 5:00/5:30ish.

This past week, I was a small bundle of nerves. You see, I really dislike preparing the house and leaving on vacations when Hubby is not here. I really dislike taking the dogs to the kennel by myself (I worry about them to a heartbreaking extent), and I absolutely despise closing the doors to my house knowing I won't be back for a couple of weeks. Because, I'm nervous. What if I forgot to do something I should have done? If I did, it will be all on me. My fault. My burden alone to bear. boo hoo. :(

However, my dogs are currently safely at the kennel. (I am trying with everything in me not to worry that it's too cold outside for them at their outside kennel. And I'm doing my best to tell myself that what looked like might be an infection beginning to form in my Husky's eye is really nothing to worry about at all).

And, I am all packed. As far as I know, everything is squared away.

I am ready for my vacation.

And, NOW, I am getting EXCITED.

Did I mention that I also had a really wonderful talk with Hubby today? I love him so much.

Here's hoping for a wonderful Christmas vacation. I'm crossing my fingers. :)

Stupid Question

Dear Inquiring Minds,

Please stop asking me if my husband gets to come home for Christmas.
He doesn't.

Sincerely,
Sorry Sarah

A Soldier's Christmas

I haven't thought much about the idea that this Christmas might be a difficult one for me. I've worried a little bit about Hubby, being so far away from our home and our family this Christmas Season. But me? I figured I'll be with family. Lucky. Content. OKAY.

I hadn't thought that this Christmas might be emotional for me. I didn't think about it until I was blindsided this morning when I turned on the radio in the car on my way to work. Within minutes, before I had even pulled out of my neighborhood, I was sobbing.

You see, I was listening to a poem that I had never heard before called "Merry Christmas, My Friend", and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Though he will not be alone this Christmas (he will spend it with his fellow border fort team members), I know that Hubby will be lonely. And though I'll be with my family this Christmas, I now realize I'll be a little bit lonely, too.

Take a minute to watch this video of the poem that brought me to sudden and unexpected tears, and do me a favor - remember my Hubby in your thoughts and prayers this Christmas Season.

6th Graders

I'm an 8th grade homeroom teacher; however, I do have one class with the 6th grade class. I teach them literature. And, seriously, (I am not exaggerating or tooting my own horn) the 6th graders ABSOLUTELY LOVE me.

When they see me at school they scream my name and wave hello OR give me a high five OR give me a hug. Always, no exceptions. They think I am absolutely HILLARIOUS. They laugh at every single joke I make, every facial expression I make sets them into hysterics. I actually have to tone down my silliness with them because they can get over-the-top and out-of-control hysterical over the simplest thing.

They claim loud and clear for all to hear that Mrs. (Sorry) is the BEST teacher EVER (one student even gave a persuasive speech today claiming that I am the best teacher -- and she actually had some excellent logic and reasoning to back up her claim IMHO). During the speech, her classmates held up signs that said things such as "Team (Sorry)" & "Mrs. (Sorry) Rocks!" Oh yes, and they also recently have been telling me that I am a GREAT actress - I like to do impressions of how a student should NOT behave/give a speech/read a story/etc. They think it's really funny when I do that.


You might think I'm exaggerating. I'm not. They simply LOVE me.

I might get really full of myself.. IF I wasn't also the 8th grade teacher. Because 8th graders? They think I'm funny.. sometimes. Mostly they just think I'm 'weird'. To be completely honest with you, I'm 99.9% sure that deep down on the inside they like me almost as much as those 6th graders, but do you think that they will tell me that? Nope. Not in so many words. Do you think an 8th grader would ever be caught DEAD giving a speech about what a wonderful teacher they have? Oh my gosh, that would be, like, social SUICIDE or something.

But, you know, I guess that's why in the end I really do prefer those 8th graders.

They keep me humble. And, humility is a wonderful thing.

rollercoaster

During my 3 years as a Jr. High teacher, I have gone through a constant internal battle with myself about whether or not it is what I REALLY want to do with my life.
I have my good weeks and my bad weeks; last week was undoubtedly a BAD week. I don't know why, but sometimes I just feel so fed up and tired of the same crap over and over. Sometimes I can be very sensitive to the smallest things. Sometimes, I just really feel like I am NOT that good at my job.

It's just so strange because everywhere I turn, I have people telling me otherwise. The students seems to REALLY like me (of course, they have their bad weeks & days, also), the parents give me NOTHING but praise, my principal has never uttered a negative word in my direction, and my fellow teachers even seem to think I'm pretty good at what I do.

In fact, just today, one of the teachers walked into my classroom at the end of the day and said, "These 8th graders are so good for you, Mrs. (Sorry), they must really respect you."

I found it funny that she said that, because I had been feeling the exact OPPOSITE lately. I felt that I had let them get too comfortable with me to the point that I felt like they weren't giving me the respect I wanted.

It's just such an up and downhill battle in my mind. I don't know if I'm just incredibly WAY TOO hard on myself AND my students or if everyone else is just absolutely nuts.

I don't know.

All I know is that some days I feel frustrated and angry on the inside, and some days, like today, my students really make it all worthwhile for me.

Today some of my 6th grade students asked me what I was doing for Christmas vacation. I told them I was going home to be with my family. They told me to tell my family they said, "hi" -- and then said to tell them, "they raised a nice daughter."

How sweet is that? Seriously. So sweet.

*sigh.

Moving to the East Coast???

Yesterday, the best of intentions to go Christmas shopping and get a jump start on house cleaning went straight down the drain. But, for once in my life I actually have a good excuse (or, at least I think it was a good excuse!) Yesterday, while doing my every-now-and-then perusal of Hubby's email (sometimes it's really the best way to get information when I haven't talked to him in a couple of days -- or even when I have because he doesn't always remember to tell me everything during our rushed phone conversation or emails)I clicked on an email from a Marine Corps Command that was "wooing" him to check out an internet link and spend some time considering a position with them.

You see, when Hubby gets back from this deployment, he will be up for a career change within the Marine Corps. His pilot days are officially over (at least for the marines), and he will be opening a brand new chapter.

Getting back to the email.. When I clicked on the link.. I realized that the Command he was being wooed for was in Quantico, VA! (AKA - ON THE EAST COAST AND A MERE COUPLE OF HOUR DRIVE FROM OUR FAMILIES!)

I think it goes without saying that I had a HUGE surge of EXCITEMENT rush through me.

I spent the entire rest of my morning doing some money planning and budgeting - I'm not a math person (AT ALL) which explains why it took me the whole morning.

I researched exactly how much money Hubby would be making if stationed in Quantico (our basic allowance for housing would change). I researched how much a house would cost to rent in Quantico. I researched how much it would cost to hire a Property Management company to take care of things in case (we probably would) we decide to rent out our house here in Cali. I researched how much houses similar to ours are renting for, I prepared FOUR budgets for different scenerios. I won't go into all of them right now as they are convoluted and confusing (clearly, since they took me 4 hours to create and perfect)!

The hillarious/horrible thing is that in my mind, I already have Hubby and me moving to the East Coast in June of this year. But, do you think I've even had a chance to discuss any of this with Hubby yet? Nope.

It's (VERY) possible that Hubby is not ready to leave California just yet. Afterall, of the 28 months that we've lived here, he's been gone 14 months of that (and more if you consider different trainings he's had to do). It's also very possible that in further considering my 4 hours worth of budgeting and mathematical equations, we will realize that moving to the East Coast right now is just not a very plausible option for us. And, of course, Hubby just might not be interested in any of the career possibilities that would await him in Quantico. And, after a hell-on-earth couple of years as a pilot-in-training, I really would NOT be able to bring myself to tell him that he needs to sacrifice career satisfaction.

This, I suppose, is the danger of getting myself all caught up in an idea, when I haven't yet spoken to Hubby about any of it.

No matter what happens, I'll tell you this.. it sure has been fun "planning" our move back to the East Coast. I guess that this Christmas season I'm feeling more than ever that as much as I love California, nothing will ever quite be able to measure up to the treasure of being close to family.

Here's to hoping...
:)

I LOVE My Dogs

I have two dogs: a siberian husky and a border collie. Both of these breeds are known for their very high energy and neurosis. Especially the border collie. And, both of my dogs are completely neurotic, to put it gently.

My border collie spends the majority of his time on patrol in the back yard. If he's not running up and down barking at the people who are passing by, he's sitting alert on the patio waiting patiently for someone to come by. He is also completely and totally obsessed with balls. When anyone new comes over, he spends the majority of his time dropping a ball repeatedly at their feet in the hopes that they just might get the message and throw it to him. The only problem is that when it comes to a ball, he feels no pain. Therefore, 9 times out of 10 he's bleeding from the paws OR panting/coughing/near death before the person who is playing with him realizes they should make him take a break from his incredibly amazing ball chasing skills (this dog is FAST). He's also incredibly intelligent. Because he knows that I will not spend 24 hours a day throwing a ball to him, he has devised his own form of entertainment. He will drop the ball into the pool and then begin the task of bringing the ball back over to the side so he can pull it out. Anyone who has ever seen this has commented on how intelligent he is, because he actually uses his paws to pull the water toward him and therefore pull the ball closer. Ingenius, I tell you.

My siberian husky is absolutely the most sensitive dog you will ever meet. He is deathly afraid to go on walks (this problem used to be much worse but from some work with him has thankfully gotten better), he runs in fear at the sound of bikes and skateboards. He gets nervous when new people stay at our house for too long and this usually culminates in him having an accident on the floor when we leave him alone for an afternoon (despite the fact that he has been perfectly potty trained for the past 3 years!). Also, as far as I can tell, he does not eat when he's at the kennel.. which makes it just that much harder for me to ever leave him.

After reading all of these things about my CRAZY dogs, I'm sure you're wondering, "Sarah, why in the world do you put up with all of this?!" The answer is very simple. I put up with all of this because my dogs add more JOY to my life than they add annoyance.

For example, if I didn't have these dogs during Hubby's deployments, I am certain that life alone would be a much different story for me.

My dogs are amazing. First of all, every morning when I wake up, I spend a couple of minutes laying with my dogs. They are absolutely still and silent throughout the night, but as soon as they realize that I am awake they both converge upon me in the bed. Ramsey, my border collie, lays next to me and puts his head on my chest. Copper, the husky, lays above my head on my pillow. And, they lay there with me for a few minutes. It's the greatest way to wake up EVER. Because of them, I always wake up in a good mood. When I come home, they give me the greeting of a queen. After greeting me, Ramsey goes out into the yard for his patrol duty and Copper remains with me. He is the very best cuddler in all of the world. He's a big gigantic fluffball and he is my comforter. Any time when I am sad or angry or lonely, he knows it.. and he lays with me until I feel better again.

When it's time for bed (they usually know it before me) they begin the night both on the bed with me. Ramsey lays next to me (where Hubby would normally be) -- and he lays so that he is just barely touching my back, which is a great comfort. Copper lays at my feet, same thing, he lays so that he is just barely touching me. Last night there was some noise going on outside in my (normally) very quiet neighborhood. So, they were both in their normal positions but they were both laying with their heads up, very alert. I felt so comforted knowing that they were laying around me like a shield, and knowing that they would let me know if the noises were anything to worry about. But, alas, they were not.

So, they finally let their guard down by laying their heads down, letting out deep contented sighs, and falling asleep for the night.

I am so thankful for my dogs.

Me

I had a really interesting conversation this weekend with a friend of a friend who I met several months ago. I have spent a pretty significant amount of time with her over that time, but the strange thing is that it wasn't until recently that I began to consider her to be my friend.

That's entirely my fault, though. Because, unless a person has a certain kind of personality, it takes a long time for me to open up/feel comfortable with them.

This is important, because that's what our conversation was about. Me and my personality. We recently went on a trip to San Francisco together (with our mutual friend), and I know that it was this trip that helped me to finally feel comfortable enough to open up and be my complete self around her. It was also during this trip that she had an "Aha!" moment about me.

During the trip we had been talking about my military-fiance enemy and all of that drama. I was relaying the story and telling my friends the things that this enemy had said to me. One of the things she had said in an email was that I acted like I was better than everyone else. When I told them that, my friend Andrea said she couldn't believe that ANYONE would ever think something like that about me.

I responded that a lot of the time, people just don't get me, so I wasn't shocked that she might get that kind of impression from me.

That some people just don't "get" me was the aha moment for my (then) acquaintance and (now) friend Sue, and this is what she spoke with me about this past weekend.

She told me that when I said that it really rang true for her. She said that at first, she really didn't quite know what to make of me. But, she wanted me to know that now she really does get me.

It was a really cool conversation; because, she basically told me that she sees that I hold myself at a distance from people at first, but that she really respects that because I am not fake. When I'm ready, I open myself up to people completely, and she said, that makes it all the more special to be my friend. Because, I don't give out my friendship too quickly or easily. And, there's nothing superficial about my friendships.

After talking to her, I really felt that she DOES get me. And, some of the things that she was saying, helped me to understand myself a little bit more. I think she is definitely right. I will not pursue a superficial friendship with someone. My friendships are the real deal, which is why I don't have a thousand friends.

I only have a few. And to those few, I am fiercely loyal.

Thank you, Sue, for "getting" me, and for making me feel good about being just exactly who I am.

Away from Home for the Holidays

With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, I am having mixed feelings about this holiday. On one hand, I'm sad that Hubby will not be here to share it with me. On another hand, I'm EXCITED because my great friend from home will be here visiting. And, on ANOTHER hand (didn't you know military wives have three hands?) I'm feeling disappointed to be once again missing out on a big family gathering.

You see, this year my whole family will be at my parents' house for the feast (or, everyone that matters, anyway), including one of my cousins (who sometimes seems more like a 4th sibling and has been working out of the country for the past few years) AND my brother's girlfriend (who apparently is soon to be his fiance).

But, you know, I can handle the missing out on the big family gatherings thing. As long as the family remembers to mention me in the majority of their conversations (or that's how it goes in my imagination anyway).

What I CANNOT handle, however, is the moment where I make the obligatory holiday phone call home.

It usually goes a little something like this:

The phone gets passed around like a hot potato -- each person feigning interest in the telephone call while being distracted with conversation and laughter going on in the background. It's very annoying. And, it happens EVERY time.

So, family, this year do me a big favor. When I make my phone call, use all of your self-restraint and actually BE interested in your phone conversation with me. And, whatever you do, do NOT talk and laugh with the people in the background.

I understand that this may be a tall order, but I believe that you can handle it. I have faith in you. :)

So, do we have a deal?

comparison

Tonight while driving home from an evening with the ladies, I had a deep moment that I thought I would share with all (2) of my readers.
Here it is: (be prepared for brilliance)
Trying to explain life as a military wife (with a Hubby deployed) to non-military wives(and non-wives) is like trying to explain menstrual cramps to a man.

You never really understand until you experience it for yourself.

I Hate it When People Hate Me

Remember when I wrote about my run-in with a Marine Corps fiance? Well, after I wrote things got a lot uglier. Ugly to the point that she said some very hurtful things to me. Ugly to the point that I had to tell her that if she wrote to me again I would not read it because she was being nothing but hateful to me. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly.

And, even though it's been a couple of weeks since that whole mess, I still think about it sometimes.

Not because I cared about what she said. Not because I thought she was right. But, because I really HATE when people HATE me. And, let me tell you, she sure does hate me.

I'm actually a very sensitive person when it comes down to it. It's hard for me to hear anyone saying anything negative about me. I don't take it well. Outwardly, you would never know that you got to me, though.

For example, today one of my students told me that when he says anything negative about me (to me) I never have a reaction. He was saying it in an admiring way.

But, if you want to know the truth, here it is:

I have a unique relationship with my students where they understand that most of the time they can joke around with me. Most of the time, I'm the one who actually begins the joking around business. Most of the time, if my class gets rowdy, I really know it's my fault. Because I got bored with standing there watching them work quietly.. so I decided to make a weird comment, or poke fun at someone to bring things back to life. So, most of the time it's OK for them to joke around with me.

MOST of the time when my students tease me about my hair, the homework assignment I gave them, the facial expressions I make, etc.. it rolls right off my back. I know not to take them seriously. I also know that if there's one thing that teenagers do well it's COMPLAIN.

However, there are times when my students say things that really hit me straight in the gut. Just yesterday, I got deeply offended when one of the 8th grade boys told me that the 3rd grade teacher has better candy than me.

See, I told you I'm just an old softy at heart.

And, of course, there was the 8th grader who on the bus back from a recent field trip decided to tell me (completely out of the blue), "I'm sorry to tell you Mrs. (Sorry), but you're not my favorite teacher. Mrs. A is (see: 3rd grade teacher who apparently also gives better candy than me) because she didn't give us homework." --
Hmm..

I said.. "Thanks, Chayanne, for sharing that information with me. I'm touched."

But, I was actually very mad. Not because I felt the need to defend myself (see: Of COURSE she gave you no homework. She was your 3rd grade teacher. You're not in 3rd grade anymore, buddy. It's about time you grow up!) I was mad because it BUGS me to know that there are people in the world walking around right now with a less than favorable opinion about me.

I guess if I really think hard about it though, I don't want to be the favorite teacher of an 8th grader who is too immature to realize that having an 8th grade teacher who gives homework is actually a good thing.

And,

when it comes down to it, I really do NOT want someone who is hateful and rude enough to attack my status as a military wife (and worse) to like me.

Problem solved.

Last night Hubby called! Yippee!

BUT,

the phone connection cut out every 3 minutes like clock work. I think Hubby called at least 12 times just so that we could finish our conversation.

Can you say, FRUSTRATING?!

You know your husband has been gone too long...

When you actually SCREAM out loud with excitement when your favorite on-screen love duo finally kiss for the first time!

That's what happened to me tonight, at least, while I was watching my new favorite show. After I screamed out loud with excitement (and woke both of my dogs from their peaceful slumber) I decided that I am suffering from an unfortunate lack of romance in my life.

And, to those of you who have recently been less than grateful towards your significant other here's a tidbit that might have you giving him/her an extra long hug tonight. After suffering through a two week communication drought with Hubby (due to a trip to Fallujah that was extended longer than expected & a fried laptop) for all I knew I could have been in 7th Heaven this morning when we were finally able to talk ON THE PHONE without any loss of connection for a whopping 25 minutes.

What can I say? I've learned to live my life for the little things; because, the big ones are few and far between these days!

Tonight

I lost myself in our President elect's speech tonight. I lost myself in tears and hope and joy. I forgot where I was for a moment in time. When Barack Obama was finished speaking and after he left the stage, my siberian husky (who had been sitting on the couch with me throughout the speech) moved a little bit, and I realized then that I had left my living room during that speech. So, I stopped to look around.. wanting to savor the moment.

When I looked around, I saw an empty living room. I realized then that I had just experienced one of the most important moments in our nation's history without my husband. But, this realization did not make me sad. This realization made me even more filled with hope for the future of our country. This realization gave me an even more profound understanding of the significance of this election.. and the significance of having a President whose judgement I can trust and whose leadership I can be inspired by.

Tonight I experienced one of the most important moments in our nation's history while my husband slept in his bed thousands of miles away in a border fort on the Iraqi/Syrian border. And, tonight.. for the first time in a long, long time.. I cried tears of joy.

I am a Damn Good Military Wife

It all started with a bulletin on myspace. It was a hoax article claiming that Obama not only chooses NOT to salute the flag, but that he and his wife have attended several flag burnings. It was posted by a military girl whose fiance is in Iraq with Hubby. She and her Buddy (who is also on Hubby's Team) had been posting offensive/ignorant/racist things on their myspace pages for the past couple of months. I had ignored all of these things, while regretting deeply that I had ever friended these ladies on myspace in the first place. I knew it was best for me not to say anything.. not to rock the boat. Everyone is entitled to her own opinion.. no matter how uninformed that opinion may be.

I drew the line, however, with this bulletin. It was a flat out lie. So, I posted a comment saying as such and included a link refuting this hoax. I figured that no matter which side you're on: Obama or McCain, everyone wants to be HONEST at least, don't they? Everyone wants to know the FACTS, right?

Wrong.

What I received back from my comment was an angry message with many explitives explaining that she wasn't going to look at my stupid link, and that even if "some" of the information wasn't true in the article it didn't matter because Obama has no respect for the country or the flag. And, she gave me her two cents about what she thinks of my political opinions.

I was so mad; I was shaking. Not only had she taken things to a level of complete disrespect, but she also "did not care" that she was spreading untruths about Obama.

After calming myself, I decided to take the high road. My husband has to live and work with her fiance for the next 4 months. And, while I wish I could have deleted her message and in effect deleted HER from my life, I knew it wouldn't work like that. She is going to be part of my life for the next 4 months, too. So, I wrote back and basically explained that I absolutely respect her RIGHT to have her own political opinions, but that it's important for people to base those opinions on the policies and facts.. not fantastical stories floating around the internet. I said I don't want to make enemies of her, it won't do anyone any good, and that I think the most important thing is that we support one another, not cause each other added drama.

I felt very big and mighty. I could have sunk to her level. I could have argued the points with her. But, in this case, I knew it would do absolutely NO good.

While I chose NOT to attack her obvious support for John McCain, she chose to have the last word. She wrote back saying that I can support Obama all I want, but she just needed to tell me that Obama doesn't support my husband and therefore doesn't support me. She also felt the need to tell me that SHE supports her husband, the war in Iraq, and Bush.

And, of course, after attacking me and my standing as a good military wife, she went on to say that we'll just have to agree to disagree. And then moved on to talk "happy" talk.. as though she hadn't just attacked me on a very personal/military wife level...

Because I am not really sure what to do in response to this. Because I feel attacked as a military wife. Because I do not think I could be trusted to be respectful if I were to write back to her right now. I am writing a blog. And, to anyone who reads this blog, I want to be clear about one very important thing..just so that no one is confused. I am a GOOD military wife. No, forget that. I am an INCREDIBLE military wife.

Do I support the War in Iraq? That question does not hold an easy answer for me. Do I believe that what my husband does over there is worthwhile? Yes. I believe that what he and his Team are doing is making a positive difference in the country of Iraq. Do I think that Iraq is where we should be expending the majority of our military resources? No. I don't. I believe that we need to get out of Iraq responsibly and put our military force in the place where we should have sent them from the very beginning: Afghanistan.

Do I support George Bush? Absolutely not. I believe that he has made foolish and dangerous decisions for his country and his military.

Do I support my Husband as an Officer in the Marine Corps who is currently serving his 2nd deployment to Iraq? Yes. With every last shred of who I am, I support my husband. I support him during the difficult times, military career changes, moves across the country, two deployments to Iraq. I support him by being the strength he needs here at home so that he doesn't need to worry about what's going on HERE while he's worried about what's going on THERE. I support my military. And, I support the military families by serving as a Key Volunteer - the families' contact person for the duration of the deployment.

I even support the military families who think that I am somehow less of a wife because I choose to vote Democrat.

I am a Damn good military wife. How dare anyone ever try to insinuate otherwise.

Torn

In my last post, I mentioned that homesickness has set upon Hubby in Iraq. Yesterday things got even worse for him. As if feeling homesick wasn't enough, yesterday he had to do something in the line of duty that he had some trouble reconciling in his mind.

He found me on instant messenger and began telling me about what happened, and how it made him feel. My heart broke for him. And, halfway through the conversation his internet went down. I waited online anxiously for him to come back on to finish the conversation.

In the meantime, I was racing to get ready for a dinner I had scheduled with the ladies, feeling torn between the plans I had and wanting to wait for Hubby to return so we could finish our conversation.


By the time he came back online and we said all of our goodbyes, I was 30 minutes late leaving for dinner with the girls and also cutting an important conversation with my Husband a little bit short. I felt horrible on the inside. I hate disappointing people, and that night I disappointed everyone involved (including myself). Not only was I very late for dinner (they were waiting for me to leave for the restaurant) but I also left Hubby hanging during a time when he really needed me.

These are the times when deployments are especially hard. It's beyond difficult to feel torn between going on with life as usual at home and being there for Hubby in Iraq. You have to make difficult choices... and I'm slightly afraid that last night.. I made the wrong decision.

The regret that plagues me when I am the one who ends conversations first kills me on the inside. Or, if Hubby isn't 100% happy with me at the end of a discussion it eats at me until the next time I talk to him. There's always that fear of "what if something happens and that was our last converation" -- "will I live with regret for the rest of my life?"

I know that part of getting through this deployment successfully on my end is going on with my life. I need those dinners with my girlfriends. I need to take trips with them, have fun dinners, have a couple drinks, laugh. I need to do all of these things for my sanity. I know this. But, why do I feel so guilty when I say goodbye to Hubby and head out the door for a night of fun?

This is the life of the one left behind during a deployment.

Torn.

A Not so Great Day

Today at school for the first time all year, I felt like I was going to cry. And, It had nothing to do with a student. It was a teacher. It usually is, though. I would have the perfect job if it only involved dealing with the kids; but unfortunately, as a teacher you have to deal with the adults, too.

Boo. :(

Suffice it to say, it was a bad day..

But there was some good to it..

Hubby called today. And the phone didn't cut out halfway through the call. We talked for an entire hour. It was my lucky day.

But, there was some sad too..

Normally I see Hubby as having an indestructible mindset. But, today I realized that he's homesick.

Well, I guess I didn't realize it as much as he came right out and told me that "being in Iraq is starting to get to" him.

I told him it's too early to be homesick.. he still has 4 months to go. He said it's better now than Day 1.

True.

But, it still makes me sad.

For Now It's Candy

I'm a little bit scared to admit it, but...

I am pretty sure that this year, finally, I fully believe that I love being a teacher.

I love trying to figure out ways to reach each student. Today, for example, I had a breakthrough with a TALKATIVE 8th grader. He's the NICEST kid ever, but he CAN NOT STOP TALKING. He even talks to himself, I swear that he does. He also cannot stop moving. I imagine that he is a lot like Hubby would have been as an 8th grader. Absolutely adorable, but the kid who completely drives the teacher UP THE WALL.

Today, when he was TALKING... in a burst of frustration I said, "Victor.. what can I do to motivate you to BE QUIET?!" -- But before he was able to respond.. I had already decided on my answer.

This is a boy who lives and dies for candy. He knows I have a stash of it under my desk, and he begs for a piece of it every chance he gets.

So I said, "If you sit quietly from now until lunchtime.. and never speak unless you raise your hand and have been called on I will give you a piece of candy before you leave for lunch."

Lunch was one and a half hours away.

Do you think he opened his mouth once during that hour and a half?!

Nope. Not even once. Nothing.

He. Was. Silent.

It was amazing.

And, with a half hour to go until the end of the day (true to his form) he had struck a new deal with me. If he stayed quiet from the end of the day today all the way until lunch tomorrow, can he have another piece of candy? Why, yes, Victor, you can.

The best part? By the end of the day, I had two more talkative students who wanted to strike the same deal with me. All for the price of a simple piece of candy.

Somehow, I get the feeling that tomorrow will be a VERY quiet day for me.

As for the next day? Well, the next day I'll probably have to figure out another way to reach the Victors in 8th grade.

But, for now, it's candy.
:)

Welcome To California

Today when I got home from work I raced to front door to check my mail. This is out of the ordinary for me. Anyone who has ever sent me something will tell you that they usually have to call me and give me notice that something will be arriving at my doorstep so that I don't leave it out there for a week.

Today, however, I was excited... because I had a feeling that my California driver's license would be there. You see, I recently bit the bullet and took the CA DMV's Written test to officially become a California driver.

When I opened my mailbox, I was not disappointed when I saw an envelope from the CA DMV. I was, however, shocked to see TWO envelopes in my mailbox from the DMV. I wondered for a moment what the other envelope could be..

And then, I grimaced as a memory I had repressed came back to me. Last week, while driving home in a exhausted stupor, I made a left turn behind a BIG truck and didn't realize until I was in the intersection that the light was RED. I didn't see the usual hundred blinding flashes of the red light cameras, so I thought I got away with it.

Apparently not.

So, my friends. It appears that today, on the VERY day that I officially became a California Driver, I also officially became a Cali driver with a point on her license.

If that doesn't say, "Welcome to California" then I don't know what does.

The Difference Between a 5th grader and an 8th grader

5th Grader: Mrs. Sorry, I'm finished with my assignment. May I please study my vocabulary words until everyone else is finished?

ME: Umm.. absolutely you may study your vocbulary words. GREAT idea.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ME: (8th Grader) Why do you have your head down?

8th grader: Because I'm FINISHED with the assignment

ME: If you're finished, why don't you take this time to study your vocabulary words?

8th grader: Do I HAVE to?

ME: Yes.

8th grader: (Loud Sigh) Fine........

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And yet, I still prefer 8th graders to 5th graders...

Does that make me crazy?

My Dinner Companion

Today while I was eating my dinner.. in front of the computer.. (just like I have pretty much every night since Hubby deployed) I remembered a phone message that one of my Military Wife friends left me last deployment. She was being silly and making guesses as to why I had not answered my phone, and one of her guesses was, "you're probably standing over your kitchen sink stuffing your dinner down your throat"! I laughed out loud when I listened to the message because she hit the nail right on the head! Eating by yourself is not quite the event that it is when you have someone to share it with. Therefore, I have had many a meal standing over my kitchen sink... and in front of my computer.

Which brings me to the reason why I remembered that phone call on this particular evening. Tonight I was eating my dinner.. in front of my computer.. and I was sharing every couple of bites with my Husky. While I was doing this, I had the following conversation in my head,

ME: I really shouldn't be feeding my dog my dinner while I'm eating it. It doesn't teach him good manners.

Me: Yeah, but, it sure is nice to have "someone" to share my meal with.

:)

At which point I patted my dog on the head and gave him a lot of love.

People can say whatever they want about my dogs, but they sure are amazing company.

Lesson Learned

On the off chance that I have any other readers on here other than my immediate family members, you may or may not know that my mother is a breast cancer survivor.

Last year at this time she had just finished up her cancer treatments, and was still not feeling back to her usual self. During that time and for the many months before, she was at home a lot taking it easy, allowing herself to recover. This was not typical for her, because when she was healthy she was always busy with organizations or friends.

This year, now that she seems to be back to her old self, she has also gone back to her busy schedule. This week, frustrated with her lack of availability to talk to me on the phone, I complained to my mom that I "liked her better when she had cancer". We had a good laugh over it and moved on.

When I hung out with my friends this weekend, the subject of my mom came up and I shared with them the cancer comment I made to my mom. The joke was on me, however, because when I told my friends what I said they all immediately STOPPED LAUGHING and STOPPED SMILING and looked at me as if I had told them I just killed my dog. Can you say AWKWARD??!!

I had to explain to them that it was just a JOKE and that no, I don't want my mom to be sick I just want her TIME. Grasping for straws I said.. "well, my mom laughed" and quickly changed the subject.

The moral to this story is.. don't share morbid family jokes with outsiders. They won't get it, and they might think you're a bad person. Lesson learned. :)

Everything I Know about Iraq, I learned from....

Little People, Big World

This season's premiere episode had the father of the family Matt Roloff going to Iraq to visit a family of Iraqi children who are dwarfs. It was the most captivating thing for me to watch; because, for the FIRST time I actually was able to SEE what Iraq is like... from Matt Roloff's perspective. It was captivating.. and unnerving. There were many times in the episode where Matt was clearly fearful and uncomfortable. It's a different world over there. It's NOT safe. Most of the time, I let myself forget about these things that I KNOW (deep down) to be true. It's often hard for me to understand what it is REALLY like over there for Hubby; because, he never acts as though anything strange is happening in his life. He doesn't complain about the conditions.. or being nervous.. or anything at all, really. When I talk to him, he is the same Hubby as always.. more interested in talking about his favorite video game than anything else.

The OTHER interesting thing about watching Little People, Big World was how I felt while I was watching it. Matt Roloff was away from his family in Iraq for about a week's time. During that time, it shows his wife, almost in tears and very stressed out/worried the majority of the time he is gone. While I was watching, I started to feel ANGRY. I kept thinking: how dare she be so distraught! He's only gone for a week!! And, not only that, but her husband might be IN a dangerous place, but HE is not the one forced to go on the dangerous MISSIONS.

I was kind of surprised at myself for feeling this way. Logically, I know that his family rightfully SHOULD feel nervous/distressed about the time he spent in the war-torn country of Iraq.

What I figured out is that I guess, in the end, even though I might deny it repeatedly... part of me seeks a little bit of acknowledgement for what I go through on a daily basis. Why does Amy Roloff get the opportunity to become teary-eyed when SHE misses a phone call from her husband? Why is Amy Roloff the one with the opportunity to explain on camera to thousands of viewers what it feels like to be afraid that HER husband isn't going to come home? Why don't I get to be the one to share MY story with the world.

But, then again, the majority of me really seeks to stay among the shadows. Because, acknowledgement of what I go through might make it all a little too real. And, the truth of the matter is that I prefer to live in my own little world of denial. Sure, it was eye opening to see first hand what it's really like in Iraq when I watched Matt Roloff's journey. But, in my mind, I haven't ever really placed Hubby anywhere physically. I don't try to imagine what his sleeping area looks like. Or what it's like for him when he goes out on convoys in his 7 ton. I try not to think about the weather. Or the sand. The stress. Or the danger. All I know is that when I chat with Hubby online.. or on the phone.. he's the same person he was when he left and, for the most part, he seems to be doing OK.

That's all I really need to know.

And me?

Well, despite the fact that I spilled RED crystal light fruit punch all over my computer room carpet today, and despite the fact that the Santa Ana winds have blown every leaf and speck of dirt in a 3 mile radius into my pool over the past 24 hours...

I'm hanging in there.

Contemplation

Have you ever wondered what the worst thing about having Hubby deployed is? It's having Hubby gone during the month of October... when I'm deathly afraid of Scary Movies. I remember this from last deployment, and sadly, here I am again.. my 2nd October in a row.. being subjected to the thousands of previews for scary movies that play over and over and over and over for the duration of the month! Woe is me!

But, on a more serious note... This Friday evening while getting my fill of girly shows/movies (Grey's Anatomy and The Sex in the City movie) I had some time to contemplate my situation. To be very specific.. I had some time to contemplate my situation.. and how much it sucks.

Sometimes when I sit back and REALLY THINK about it, I am amazed by myself. Amazed that I am somehow able to spend the vast majority of my time convincing myself that life is just fine and dandy. I am extremely content when I've been able to spend ten minutes chatting with Hubby online that day. I revel in a short email. It's practically Christmas when I get a phone call. And webcam time? I might as well have won the lottery!

It's better that I don't spend too much time watching sappy movies that make my heart ache. Yes, it's true, I need my Grey's fix once a week; because, seriously... the tears I shed during that show are downright therapeautic. But going around telling myself how crappy things are all the time? What good would that do me?

None.

Which is why I spend most of my time enjoying the moments I get to spend with Hubby via technology, and making light humored jokes such as "the worst thing about having Hubby gone on deployment is having him gone during the month of October". I guess I just don't know how I'd function otherwise..

By the way, did I mention the BEST thing about having Hubby gone on deployment? Full reign on the tv. Now THAT's something to get excited about.

:)

Things

It seems like I've lost my groove with posting these blogs. It's not for lack of material, it's actually for lack of ability to put my thoughts into words.

I've recently considered blogging about many different things.. I just haven't done it. So, I think I'm just going to list all of the topics I've considered blogging about over the last few days.

1) The writing prompt one of my 8th graders shared with the entire class. The prompt? Something that makes me laugh is..... His answer? Mrs. (Sorry's) facial expressions. He then went on to go into great detail about 3 of my common expressions. There was the exaggerated frown, The worried expression where I show my teeth, and the "I'm upset" face that does not just involve my facial features but also involves my shoulders raising and the subsequent disappearance of my neck. He had everyone in the classroom in hysterics (including me!) And, now every time I make one of these expressions I laugh on the inside, because while I've always known that I make funny faces, I've never realized how thoroughly these faces have been studied by my students.

2) THIS WRETCHED HEAT! Miserably, it has been in the HIGH 90's on and off for the past TWO weeks. I'm wondering why the weather God's of San Diego haven't yet realized that not only is this SAN DIEGO (and it's just NOT supposed to get that hot here), but it's also OCTOBER!! I mean, HELLO, I have never so desired wearing long sleeves and sweaters in my life.

3) The two month landmark in Hubby's deployment has come and gone. I'm feeling full of strength and independence, but unfortunately, I am realizing that time is truly beginning to slow to a crawl. The slowing down of time thing might have a little something to do with the fact that Hubby has been a little grumpy lately. I knew that his perfect disposition couldn't last forever in that sandy hell-hole he calls a home, I just hope that his spirits bounce back a bit and he won't be a grump for the duration of the next 5 months. :(

(4) The Santa Anas are picking up (that's the reason for this unbearable heat) and the newscasters are talking about chances of fires breaking out. I'm blocking any and all fire talk from my ears, because I don't even want to THINK about a repeat of last year.

Seriously.

Oh yeah, and one more thing!

(5) Remember my post about The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle? Well, today after school one of the 7th graders (a boy, no less) told me that he finished the book (ahead of schedule) and liked is SO MUCH that he's trying to convince his MOM to read it. Ok. seriously. It doesn't get much cooler than that.

And that, my friends, is all she wrote! (for today anyway)

:)

Mourning Our Youth

Last night I went out to dinner with four of my friends and it was a monumental evening for our friendship. Let me explain.

It began when we all showed up for the evening wearing black. When we arrived at Benihanas (a Japanese Hibachi place), we immediately noticed a group of 4 young(er), crazy(er), girls waiting at the bar for their table. One of my friends (knowing that Benihana pairs you up with another group to sit around the Hibachi table) made the comment, "Oh God, please don't let us be paired up with them for dinner." I think we were cursed, because of course, when our beeper went off, so did theirs.

When we sat down, the first thing the crazy(er), young(er) girls asked us was if we had planned to dress the same. We were a little embarassed, and one of my friends said, "no, we're just all in mourning". And, I said, "Mourning our Youth, that is"

Mourning our Youth quickly became the theme of the night.

The first thirty minutes of the dinner were slightly foreboding. The girls we were with were 21 and out to HAVE A GOOD TIME. They chided us for ordering wine to drink (instead of liquor like them), and they basically annoyed us with their loud yelling and crazy "wooing". But, like I said, that only lasted for the first thirty minutes.

Because, after those 30 minutes went by, those young(er), crazy(er) girls mysteriously disappeared to the bathroom. One among their ranks was having trouble holding her "liquor", so we spent the rest of our dinner alone at our table to enjoy our food, our wine, and our good company.

At some point, someone brought up the idea of starting a book club. And, someone else mentioned that book clubs made her feel "old", at which point our mantra for the night "mourning our youth" came up once again.

It was quickly decided that not only would we start a book club, but we would title ourselves none other than Mourning our Youth (MOY for short), and it would be required that we wear black to every meeting.

By the time we were ready to get up and leave the restaurant we realized that we had outlasted those YOUNG(ER) girls, and spent the majority of our evening laughing harder than any of us could remember laughing in quite some time.

It was a monumental evening, because I think we realized that even though we might be getting a little older than we feel comfortable with, Mourning Our Youth is just an ironic title, because really, our best years have just begun.

teenagers who actually LIKE to read?!

I think I hit the jackpot today while teaching Literature to 7th graders. We're reading The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle which is one of my absolte favorite books by one of my absolute favorite authors Avi.

At the end of class, we read a couple of pages together from Chapter 9. It was time for class to be over, so I said we had to stop reading. And.. (here's the kicker) the students GROANED!!! They said in unison (or as close as 24 7th graders can come to unison), "awwwwww, can't we keep reading?!"

I laughed and said, "Sorry, class is over, but your homework is to finish the chapter so you can finish it at home" to which one of the 7th grade BOYS responded, "I really like it and I want to know what happens next, but I get SCARED reading it at home"

Of course, I did what any rational teacher would do. I told him to read the book in the living room while his mom was in there. :)

Ha Ha.

It IS a pretty scary book. I told them it was a little scary before we started reading it. I don't think they believed me, though. :)

Speaking of good books.. scary books.. and teenagers, I recently discovered the novel Twilight which came HIGHLY recommended by a vast majority of my students. It seems to be the new Harry Potter in that it has quite a cult following. I started reading it this week and at this very moment can't WAIT to continue where I left off last night.

Suffice it to say that this week has been a GOOD week for teenagers and literacy. Atleast it's been a good week for literacy at MY school. :)

the OPPOSTIVE of Type A - that's ME!

Yesterday at lunch with my fellow teachers, I realized something that I pretty much already knew (on some level). All of the teachers were talking about their Type A (everything needs to be in its place and MUST be perfect) personalities. They were speaking in reference to their homes. I was the only person in that room to claim that I am, indeed, messy. And, to ease the expressions of horror on their faces when I said it, I had to follow my statement with the quip, "I used to think it was my HUSBAND who was messy... and then he deployed.... and I realized my house was STILL messy" -- They laughed at this.. albeit.. a little uneasily.

I'm a strange phenomenon to these people. And, the funny thing is, when they "imagine" my messy house I'm sure they just picture some items out of place and shoes on the floor instead of in the closet. Ha! Ha! Ha! I laugh at the mere thought of this. If you want to know what REAL messy is.. step into my house in the middle of a workweek. I guarantee you'll turn right around and hightail it out of there! Especially if you're one of those TYPE A - I-put-my-dish-towels-in-exactly-the-same-place-every-day-and-know-if-someone-has-moved-them-an-inch people (as one of the teachers says she is).

Speaking of messy houses. I have resolved to myself that I WILL clean this weekend, no matter how much I hate it.

And, while I'm on the topic of weekends, I was just now thinking that weekend seem so much longer when Hubby is not here. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

I can't be sure. Probably a little of both.

So Looneely

For an anniversary present, my mother-in-law paid for me to get a facial. And, the esthetician did such a good job of convincing me that because of the facts that

a) I am caucasion (she is a 48 Korean woman who looks like she's 30 -- seriously)and
b) I have VERY dry skin

if I don't do something about my skin, I will one day look in the mirror and find a wrinkly prune staring back at me.

I think it was a combination of the facts that a) she's a convincing saleswoman and b) I had already been thinking these same thoughts myself... that caused me to pre-purchase a package of 5 facials for the next 5 months. It was my anniversary present... to myself.

Today, while enjoying my 2nd facial (first of my five) it came into the conversation that my husband is deployed. When I told Annie (my esthetician) that Hubby is deployed, she did not skip a beat.

"Oh," she said, "but your in-laws live in San Diego, right?"

Me: "Um, no, actually they live Maryland part of the year and Florida part of the year"

Annie: "Oh. Well, your family lives here, right?"

Me: (Pause)

Annie: "Parents? Sister? Brother? Aunts? Uncles? Cousins?"

Me: Um. No, actually my family all lives on the East Coast.. my parents live in Pennsylvania"

Annie: (Stopping what she's doing) You're from Pennsylvania?!

Me: yes

Annie: "Oh SARAH... YOU SO Looneely!!"

Me: awkard laugh

Annie: "But, you have friends here...... right?"

Me: "Yes... I have friends"

And, thank God for friends. And my dogs. And technology that makes Hubby in Iraq and my family on the East coast not seem so very far away. And yes.. I'm saying it.. thank God for work.

Because without all of these things, Annie would probably be right. I probably would be "So Loooneely".

But, just today, after returning home from my facial (skin softer than a baby's bottom.. thank you, Annie!) I spent my afternoon chatting with Hubby online and even following him around the fantasy world of a computer game we play together online sometimes.

So. No. I'm not so lonely, afterall.

Positive Feedback

This school year, so far, has been pretty laid back for me. Despite the fact that I was extremely worried about my 8th grade class, they have proven to be more stress-free (for me) than the beloved 8th grade class I had last year.

I am not sure what to attribute this to..

But.. I do have to say that recently I have focused on the power of positive feedback with them. It's amazing how well it works.

When I want them to be quiet.. instead of saying.. "Please be quiet" -- I look around the room and mention the names of people who are doing what they SHOULD be doing. I say, "Thank you Joey for sitting so quietly. Thank you Ian for being ready for class to begin. Thank you Elizabeth for looking and listening while I give instructions."

And. It's amazing. Seriously. You can ask kids to be quiet 20 times.. you can say it loudly.. you can even be mean about it.. but often.. you are just talking to yourself. They don't listen. They don't care.

But, when you compliment someone else for his/her GOOD behavior.. it's amazing how they all snap to attention. They all so desperately want to be the one whose name is spoken.

Before I would say 5 times.. "Ok Class.. please quiet down" louder and louder until they had all heard me. Now, I simply begin to quietly thank the students who are attentive and within seconds I have everyone's undivided attention.

The power of positive feedback. It REALLY DOES work.

The Murphy's Law of Deployments

Did you know that there is a "Murphy's Law" for deployments? Well, there is. I think it goes something like this: Anything that can possibly fall apart in the house while hubby is deployed WILL. :) So far, I've been fairly lucky (knock on wood!!).

I do, however, have a recurring problem that only occurs when Hubby is gone. My sprinkler system. Last deployment one of my sprinklers would crap out about once a month. Every time someone came to visit, they found themselves in my yard digging holes and fixing the broken sprinkler heads.

And, do you think that in the 8 months that hubby was home any of those sprinklers broke?! Nope. Not one.

So, you can imagine how "UN"surprised and COMPLETELY annoyed I was last Thursday when I realized that one of my sprinklers was broken.

Interestingly enough, I realized my sprinkler was broken the exact DAY that my sister and her hubby were arriving into town. Hmm... de ja vue? People visiting.. and fixing sprinklers??

Well, I decided to turn over a new leaf and handle this one on my own. I'll keep you posted on how it turns out :)

Heartbroken

I am currently heartbroken.

No, not over my husband.... over my 2 and a half year old nephew.

When I am around him, there's no better description than to say he breaks my heart.

I don't know if I can have kids; because, I don't know if I can handle loving someone so much that my heart feels like it's going to explode.

I don't know if I can handle watching my child being ignored by the older kids on the playground, missing me when I walk out the door, growing up in THIS world.

I mean, I have serious turmoil and heartache about putting my dogs in the kennel for a week. I worry about them when I'm at work. Now.. imagine me with a kid?

Today I babysat my nephew all day (a first) by myself. And, I think I realized that I am going to be one of those hovering, worried-all-the-time parents.

But, I will also laugh and smile more than I probably ever have. And.. my heart will break a thousand times over.

That's just how it will be.

Military Wives

I can't take credit for writing this, but it's the best one of these "military wife" emails that I've ever read. Very true. Very moving. Hits home...

What is a MILITARY Wife?
They may look different and each is wonderfully unique
But this they have in common.


They have THIS IN COMMON!
lots of moving---
moving
moving
moving far from home
moving two cars, three kids and one dog----all riding with HER of course
moving sofas to basements because they won't go in THIS house
moving curtains that won't fit
moving jobs and certifications and professional development hours
moving away from friends moving toward new friends
moving her most important luggage; her trunk full of memories

often waiting-
waiting, waiting, waiting for housing; waiting for orders; waiting
for deployment; waiting for reunion; waiting
for phones calls;
waiting for the new curtains to arrive; waiting for him to come
home for dinner.


They call her 'military dependent', but she knows better
she can balance a checkbook
handle the yard work
fix a noisy toilet.


She is intimately familiar with drywall, anchors, and toggle bolts.


She can file the taxes, sell a house, buy a car, or set up a move, --
--all with ONE Power of Attorney.


She welcomes neighbors that don't welcome her.


Reinvents her career with every PCS; locates a house in the desert,
the arctic, or the deep south and learns to call them all 'home'.


She MAKES them all home.


She is fiercely IN-dependent
Military Wives are somewhat hasty
They leap into decorating, leadership, volunteering, career
alternatives, churches and friendships.


They don't have 15
years to get to know people.


Their roots are short but flexible.


They plant annuals for themselves and perennials for those who come after them.


Military Wives quickly learn to value each other.


They connect over coffee, rely on the spouse-network and accept offers of
friendship and favors and record addresses in pencil.


Military Wives have a common bond.


The Military Wife has a husband unlike other husbands.


His commitment is unique. He doesn't have a job, he has a 'mission' he can't just decide to quit.


He's on-call for his country 24/7 but for you, he's the most...
Unreliable guy in town...
His language is foreign: TDY, PCS, OPR, ACC, BDU
And so, a Military Wife is a translator for her family and his.

She is the long-distance link to keep them informed; the glue that
holds them together.


Military Wife has her moments--
She wants to wring his neck, dye his uniform pink, and refuse to move to Siberia .


But she pulls herself together.


Give her a few days, a travel brochure, a long hot bath, a pledge to the flag, and a wedding picture.


And she goes.


She packs.


She moves.


She follows.


Why?
What for?
How come?
You may think it is because she has lost her mind.


But actually it is because she has lost her heart.


It was stolen from her by a man
who puts duty first
who salutes the flag
and whose boots in the doorway remind her that as long as he is her Military husband,
She will remain his Military wife.

New Democrat Campaign Slogans...

These are my recommendations... :)

"McCain picked a chick? Wow. Still not voting for him"

"Obama: This time I want a SMART president"

"I'm leaning towards voting for the candidate not endorsed by the worst president in American history"

"McSame: Just like Bush but more feeble"

"Those who ignore history are doomed to vote Republican"

"The real McCain: less jobs, more wars"

"Sarah Palin: A woman who forces every American to ask, "Why am I not running for President?"

Love Makes the Ride Worthwhile

Tomorrow marks my 4 year wedding anniversary. Part of me thinks, "Wow! Four Years!!" and another part of me thinks, "FOUR YEARS?! THAT'S IT?!!" It feels like forever..

But, please don't get me wrong. I don't mean forever in a bad way. I just mean, I feel like we have lived a lifetime in only 4 years.

When I think back now, I am amazed at how much better I know my husband now than I did then. Not that I didn't know him then.. I did. I knew him so well that I didn't think it was possible to know him any more. Let me clarify.. when I say "know" I mean "understand". While I believe that I understood my hubby as well as I possibly COULD have at the time.. in comparison to now.. it's like I barely knew him at all.

Am I making sense?

Let me try to say it this way.

My husband knows me so well, I think he knows me better than I know myself. All of my life I have written people notes and letters to tell them things I had trouble expressing in person. I've never done this with Hubby. At first, I thought maybe there was something missing with him.. and then I realized I had it all wrong.

Before Hubby left for Iraq the 2nd time.. I spent many days and several hours composing a goodbye letter to him in my head. But, I never wrote it. I never wrote it because I realized that Hubby didn't need my letter. Everything I wanted to say in the letter, he already knew. He probably knew it before I knew it. That's just the way it is with him.
.....................................................................................
This is our 4th Wedding Anniversary, and in our 4 years together we have lived in 4 different states, been through 2 deployments (the 2nd has only just begun!), survived almost every natural disaster known to the US, and spent 2 of our 4 anniversaries apart. So, you can see why when I reflect back, I think, "FOUR YEARS, THAT'S ALL?!"

I can only begin to imagine what the NEXT four years will have in store for us.. and the next.. and the next. I can only imagine.. but I'm sure that the reality will be so much crazier and more amazing than anything I could possibly dream up on my own. I mean, four years ago as I met Hubby at the end of that aisle, do you think I had ANY idea what the next four years would have in store for us?

Of course not. I had no idea.

Which is why, I'm sure you can understand, I don't dare to dream or wonder... All I can do is buckle down, hold on tight, and see where the ride takes me.

Afterall, Love makes the ride worthwhile.

Army Wives vs. The Hills

Tonight while getting back to my elliptical routine, I searched through the channels of my tv for something interesting to watch while exercising. I settled on the show Army Wives. I watched the first season last year during Hubby's first deployment, and I was a loyal viewer despite my dashed hopes of it being a show that I could relate to. The second season, I noted this evening as I watched one of its episodes, did a much better job of actually capturing the essence of military wifedom. It did such a good job of hitting home for me that I had a first... crying and exercising at the same time! It was interesting because, last year I had so hoped for some inkling of connection with the show.. and now that I relate (too much) I found myself searching for something else.

What did I settle for? Why, The Hills, of course.

What do I have in common with The Hills? Nothing other than the fact that I, too, live in California.

Hmm. So, I guess it goes to show that though at one point I had hoped to be able to relate to Army Wives, in the end, who wants to spend an hour rehashing REAL LIFE when you can exist in the glamorous world and petty problems of The Hills?

Not me, that's for sure.
:)

1 month down...

As of tomorrow, it will officially be a month since I put Hubby on a bus and sent him off to Iraq. (I like to pretend that it was my choice that he went.. that way I don't feel so powerless living this military centered life)! :) And, believe it or not, the month has gone by pretty quickly and with very little turbulence.

This deployment, so far, has already proven to be MUCH better than the last. There are many factors involved in this..
1) Hubby is Happy!!! This is extremely important during a deployment. If Hubby is miserable that means communication with Hubby is miserable which means I AM MISERABLE too. So, Hubby being happy is an amazing gift.

2) Communication is GREAT! I talk to Hubby every day!! (mostly through email) And thanks to the amazing wonders of technology, today I actually had the (mis)fortune of seeing Hubby and his (terrible) moustache (that he always likes to grow on deployments!) via webcam from the comfort of my very own computer room!!

3) I've had Company!! Two weeks after Hubby left, my parents arrived in town for 10 days of keeping me company and the DAY that my parents left my In-laws arrived (only about 30 minutes after my parents departed). Both my parents and my in-laws kept me busy and on the go, go, go! And, the good thing about it was, the fact that my in-laws were arriving the day my parents left kept me from feeling lonely & by the time the in-laws left I felt more than ready for a little bit of ME time!

4) I'M BUSY!! Not just because I've had so much company.. but because the school year has officially begun, and when I am at school I have no time to think of anything but school.

5) I am keeping in touch with the other spouses from Hubby's Team. Thanks to a brilliant suggestion from my AMAZING SISTER I started a yahoo group so that all the ladies on OPERATION HOMEFRONT can keep in touch while our men are away. And, it has been everything I had hoped AND MORE. You can't even begin to imagine the importance of being in touch with those who truly UNDERSTAND exactly what you are going through during a deployment. It is comforting to feel part of a community that understands AND on top of that, it helps you to really get the big picture of what exactly is going on during the deployment. I've found that each marine always seems to give a different piece of the puzzle when he talks to his spouse.. and when we put all those pieces together.. we are able to really understand the whole picture. It's been very helpful.

I could probably go on and on about why this deployment is better than last, but I am truly a superstitious person at heart and don't want to dwell too much more on this topic for fear that I might curse myself.

So, let's suffice it to say that it's one month in... and I'm holding strong. I can only hope and pray for more of the same throughout the next 6 months.

School :o) :o(

I haven't been writing about it in my blog, but lately, I have been absolutely hating the idea of going back to school. My DREAD for the beginning of the school year got so bad that I actually found myself in search of a way to make this my LAST year as a teacher. My plotting took me down avenues that I am not proud of.. like.. you know.. searching for jobs on jobs.com (and considering the managerial position open at Target) and.. um... well... planning to get pregnant just so I can be a stay at home MOM and OUT of the classroom. Pretty sick, right? yeah.

So, like I said.. it got bad.

My absolute total and complete HATRED of this coming school year might possibly have had a little bit to do with the fact that I'm just UNhappy with life in general right now with Hubby's very recent departure to Iraq. It might ALSO have had to do with the FACT that there have been a thousand and one (not so good) changes at my school this year and I know it will be a year of chaos.

But, whatever the reason was.. after today my feelings have changed for the better. I finally got my classroom together for the most part... and actually started putting some of the ideas that have been circulating in my head into action. And, today for the first time, many of my fellow staff members were at school. It was really great to be around all of them and to REALIZE why it was that I stuck with that school in the first place.. I feel comfortable there. I like my co-workers (for the most part). And, they respect me.

And, of course, there's the kids. I love my students. I just have to remind myself of that every now and then.

However, I really am starting to think about getting out of the BIG classroom atmosphere. I'm thinking I'd like to pursue ESL (English as a Second Language) Education. I've been thinking that more and more lately. Now all I need to do is find the time (I Won't), motivation (hopefully), and Money (the military has awesome scholarships and grants for military wive who want to go back to school) to get my Masters. Oh, and finding a good ESL Education program might be a good idea too.

So. Who knows what the future will hold. All I know is that FOR NOW going back to school on August 27 may not be the absolute WORST thing that could possibly happen to me.

:)

Cleaning :(

When Hubby is home and we are cleaning the house... he drives me crazy. He is constantly getting distracted and seems to always focus on cleaning things that I find to be very unimportant in the cleaning scheme of things.

But, I do have to say, that tonight as I begin to clean my house THOROUGHLY for the first time since he has been gone... I'm realizing that though it may seem like he's easily distracted and cleaning things that I'd rather he didn't focus on... in actuality... cleaning WITH Hubby goes about 20 times faster than cleaning WITHOUT Hubby.

I guess I'll have to remember this and try not to complain so much next time we clean together. :o)

I have good news!! I actually slept last night... it's a miracle! :o)

And, I'm just writing to share something cool with you. I'm not much of a math whiz, and when calculating the time difference for me and Hubby I have to resort to finger counting. So, to make things easier on myself, I look at this

Iraq

pretty cool, huh?

Insomnia Cont'd

I couldn't sleep again last night. And I wasn't very happy about it. It was NOT a pleasant night for me. This time, I couldn't sleep in and get my full 8 hours since I already took those two days off from responsibility thanks to my LAST bout with insomnia. So, I guess I'll just have to be tired today.

I have a vague recollection last deployment of discussing the fact that I was having trouble sleeping after Hubby left. But, I don't actually remember anything like the two nights I've had recently. I mean.. maybe it took me an hour longer or something to get to sleep last deployment.. but 5 hours to get to sleep? 5 hours? Seriously?! What's the problem here?!

So, I took the opportunity to look up "I can't sleep while Hubby is deployed" on google and discovered that insomnia while Hubby is on deployment is very common. But, that's not really any relief and for once sharing the same experience of other military wives does NOT bring me any comfort. I do NOT want to be unhappily awake in the middle of the night and exhausted during the day for the duration of this deployment!

Unfortunately, now that I've experienced this a couple of times, I think I'm going to have some anxiety every time I go to bed. I think I'll be expecting a night of insomnia and because of this might actually cause myself to have one. It's a vicious cycle.

The worst thing about my insomnia last night is that I actually started to get scared. I'm OK at home alone... but every now and then... if I'm awake late at night... I get a little nervous and start picturing invaders creeping around the outside of my house. And, to be honest with you, the fact that I could hear my border collie standing in front of the back door growling a very LOW pitched and serious growl for ten minutes didn't make me less afraid. He's a GREAT dog to have around, but every now and then he growls at his own shadow like it's a murderer and it scares the living CRAP out of me.

This is just one more reason why I would really prefer to be blissfully sleeping at 3:00 am.. Not tossing and turning and wondering, "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!"

Oh insomnia.. please go away and leave me alone. :(

Gratitude

I am a military wife, yes. But I am not one of those "thanks to my husband you have freedom" kind of military wives. And believe me, I know these kinds of military wives. When their Hubby is on deployment they march around telling everyone that Hubby is deployed.. expecting gratitude, thanks, and/or pity.

I am proud of my husband, yes. I am proud that he serves his country without question or judgement. But, I guess I just don't expect others to express or even FEEL gratitude for what my husband and even I are doing.

So, when people do express gratitude.. it comes to me as a surprise.. and often.. it makes me emotional.

After Hubby and his Team left for Iraq, I was messaging back and forth with one of the other wives and she said that she was holding up well.. other than breaking into tears while talking to the insurance company.

At the time, I thought WHAT?! You broke down into tears talking to the INSURANCE company? How strange is THAT. I thought that, that is, until I myself finally made MY phone call to the insurance company today to tell them that hubby was deployed and will be a non-operator on our cars for the next 7 months.

Let me explain. This insurance company isn't just ANY insurance company. This insurance company is USAA.. the world's greatest insurance company that (as far as I know) is only available to military families. And, after speaking with them, I understand why my fellow military wife broke into tears. Because... I almost did, too.

Why did I almost cry on the phone with my insurance adjuster?? No, it wasn't because I had to tell her that Hubby is deployed.

I got a tad bit choked up, because at the end of the call my insurance adjuster wished hubby a safe deployment & SINCERELY thanked Hubby and me for serving our country.

It hasn't been often that someone has said this to me. But, I know that when they do, they say it because they mean it. They are under no obligation. For some reason, in their hearts and in their lives, they are truly thankful to the military service members for the sacrifices that they make.

It gets me every time, because it's not something that I expect people to feel or even say.. but it is something that I appreciate.

So. I'm going to flip this around a little bit and say, "Thank you to the people who are thoughtful enough to thank your military servicemembers and their families. You, too, are appreciated"!!

:)

Insomnia

Last night for the first time in a very LONG time I. Could. Not. Sleep. I followed the normal routine that I have been following since hubby has been gone. I ate dinner, took Ramsey on a walk, did the elliptical while watching some shows, did the internet thing for a little bit, and hit the sack before 11:00 pm.

Last night, however, as I lay in bed, sleep would not come. My mind raced in a thousand directions, and despite the fact that my body was exhausted over my newly formed exercise routines, my mind refused to rest. And so, at 2:30 am, I finally gave up on any last shreds of hope I had that I might sleep at a normal hour and took to the couch to watch one of my very favorite (and almost forgotten) movies Almost Famous. I hoped I would fall asleep halfway through the movie, but alas, this was not to be.

After the movie was over, I got on the internet for a little while and finally felt as though If I went to bed then, I might actually fall asleep. So, I did, and I did. The time of sleep for me last night? 4:30 am.

Only to be awoken at 8:30 am by a phone call from Hubby. Although, for once in my life, I can't say I was upset for being woken up. After the phone call I decided that today I had to forget about my plans to go into school, and I went back to sleep to get my full 8 hours. So..

I'm taking some time off. Today and tomorrow I will NOT go to school and work on my classroom. I boycott school and my classroom.. because, I do believe that it was school in the first place which had my mind unable to rest last night. The stress of it is overwhelming.

I'll go back on Friday. And today and tomorrow I will relax.. because.. I think I need it.

What's my motto again? Ah yes, that's it.. "Put off today what you can do tomorrow" :o)

Nightmare

Tonight I watched a movie on Lifetime called Fab Five and while watching it, I practically pulled out my own hair. It was pretty much torture for me, as a teacher, to watch this movie which is about 5 girl cheerleaders who have complete control over their administration, do whatever they want, and have no consequences for their actions.

The way they treat their teachers in this movie was painful for me to watch because it actually brings to life the ONLY recurring nightmare I've ever had in my entire life. In my nightmare my students are running amuck (sp?) in the classroom and absolutely refuse to listen to me. I have no control.. my principal can't (or in some cases won't) help me.. and it is literally the worst feeling ever. When I have this dream I usually wake up shaking my head around like a maniac because I am so crazy and upset about it.

Well, in this movie.. (which apparently is based on a true story) exactly that has happened. These girls (one of whom is the daughter of the school principal) are able to do exactly what they want and get away with it. None of the teachers have any control over the girls.. and the principal does nothing to help.

I don't know if this was the best movie for me to watch before this school year begins.. because this year I will have a very challenging class. Last year this class walked all over their teacher and acted more like wild animals than teenagers. I don't doubt that all they need is structure and some "tough" love... and that I will be able to tame them and (hopefully) bring out the best in them.

But.. I also don't doubt that before the year is over.. I will have had many of my recurring nightmares of a class that has gone out of my control.

*Wish me luck.

Deployment Positives...

If you're going to follow my "Thought of a Military Wife" blog for the next 7 months, then there's something you need to know now. If there's one thing I learned during the last deployment it was that during deployment I become bipolar. Probably if I went to a Dr. it would be a dianosable disease. Seriously. It's crazy. And, I'm only telling you this because if you look at my last entry.. and look at the entry I'm about to write you'll notice that I go from very melancholy to very positive in a single day. That, my friends, is the mind of a military wife during a deployment. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I decided to write a list of
REASONS WHY DEPLOYMENTS AREN'T SO BAD AFTERALL
1. You have an excuse to go to the hairdresser and try out a completely new (and super cute)hair color and syle.
2. People do really awesome things for you like surprising you with dozens of beautiful roses on your front doorstep the day after hubby leaves(Thanks AIM!)
3. You have a really good excuse for why your house is a gigantic mess (and why even though you're not currently working.. you're not planning on cleaning it today!)
4. You have the unique opportunity to make friends with some of the ladies from Hubby's Team who are going through the same thing as you.. (and these friendships are absolutely priceless!)
5. You don't have to worry about Hubby taking up 75% of the bed and leaving a sliver for you to sleep on. :)
6. Hubby gets a chance to REALLY REALLY miss you more than he ever thought he could
7. You have so much to do with taking care of the house, dogs, yard, pool, and of course your LIFE that you don't have very much time to be very sad for very long.
8. Deployments are a GREAT opportunity to start some new and better habits.. (like eating right and exercising more!)
9. You have a good reason to drink a glass of wine at night with your dinner
10. If all else fails.. you have the homecoming to look forward to!

:o)

Deployment thoughts of a military wife..

Well..

Deployment day has come and gone. The preparation for deployment is over and now the waiting has begun. The goodbye was not terrible. Sad. Lonely. A little bit depressing, yes. But, not terrible. I'm really happy with the Team of people my husband will be over there with. They're good people.. & good marines.. I know they will take care of each other.

So, hubby is in good hands.

As for me.. well.. I'm settling into my life alone. I'm hating every second of it currently.. and as I was driving home from the grocery stores this afternoon I finally figured out what is WORSE about this deployment than last deployment.

Last deployment everything was new... and overwhelming.. and scary. There was always the question of.. will I make it through this? Am I actually strong enough to do this? And this uncertainty of my strength and what the future would bring in a strange way actually pushed me forward to be strong and succeed. This deployment, like I've said.. I already KNOW that I will be OK. I already know what it's like to live this life alone for 7 months.. I already KNOW hubby and I can survive 7 months of life apart.

So instead of spending the first several months just focused on survival... the only feeling I have inside me currently is absolute total and complete DREAD. I dread the next 7 months. I pray that they will be fast and smoothe.. but I dread that they will be slow and bumpy.

*ugh.

Deployment.. I hate you!

I think I should just title my blog this from now on

because I know that for the duration of 7 months.. pretty much all I will write about will be deployment...

Happy Reading.

:)

Natural Disasters

As you may have heard from the news, today there was an earthquake in Southern California, and because of this, I can now say that I have indeed experienced an earthquake.

Ok. So, maybe the quake was SO weak and short lived where I live that I actually had myself convinced that I had knocked into my TV table and its rocking caused the chair I was sitting on to also rock beneath me. It's just that it happened too quickly and I was by myself so I had no one to affirm what I had felt.. so I just kind of shrugged it off as... "that was weird".

It wasn't until about 30 minutes later on facebook that I noticed friends writing about surviving the earthquake that I realized what I had experienced had NOT been some strange figment of my imagination... it was an EARTHQUAKE!

Yes, it's true, there's not much to my earthquake story. The only reason why I am writing about it now is to proclaim that I have in my past 4 years as a military wife experienced most (if not all) of the natural disasters the United States has to offer.

I was living in the Panhandle of Florida 3 years ago when Hurricane Dennis caused my husband me, our two dogs, and one that we were dog sitting to evacuate our home. I was even there when Katrina tore through Mississippi and Louisiana. Sure, Katrina to me was not much more than strong winds, rain, and the threat of tornadoes.. but the after effects of Katrina.. the devastation.. the fuel shortages.. were all very real to us living only 30 miles from the center of the storm.

And, of course, last year.. there were the Southern California wildfires that had me out of my home and more scared than I can ever remember.. but I won't go into that since if you scroll back in my blogs you can read all about THAT experience.

Oh, and of course.. I grew up in Pennsylvania and did experience one or two blizzards in my day.. even though.. I remember blizzards as nothing more than hot chocolate, cinnamon buns, days off school, jumping off the deck, and taking the unexpected vacation to paint the living room!!!

So, now I've mentioned earthquakes, hurricanes, (the threat of) tornadoes (as a direct result of the hurricanes), wildfires, and blizzards.

I don't know about you, but I'm thinking maybe I should invest in some flood insurance. What do you think?!

:)

Maybe, Just Maybe

The countdown is really on now for D Day. Hubby's going away party has come and gone. Our last visitor has packed his bags and gotten on the plane for home. There's nothing left to look forward to.. except the countdown.. the last moments.. the waiting.

Have you ever had the hiccups... and when they go away you think you might still need to hiccup for the next couple minutes but no hiccups come out? And then you find yourself constantly checking whether you're going to hiccup or not? Well, this may very well be the WORST example ever.. but that's kind of how I feel right now. I keep doing these checks on myself. Every now and then I stop what I'm doing and do a check.. am I OK now? Am I STILL OK?! BUT WIAT, am I REALLy OK?! and the answer so far has been pretty much unequivocally, yes.

I'm fine.

Just like with hiccups.. after they go away and you're expecting one to come out at any second... it's a bit offputting that despite the fact that I keep expecting some kind of breakdown.. it isn't happening.

Maybe this deployment will be completely different. Maybe it really will be 10x easier than the last. I mean, Even since Hubby has been home I have grown accustomed to 2 week, 4 week, 1 week etc. absences. Maybe when deployment day comes.. I'll hug Hubby goodbye and something inside of myself will NOT fall apart. Maybe this goodbye will be just like all the many goodbyes we've had over the past few months.

I don't know.

All I know is that for now, I'm holding up firmly.

It helps that two weeks after Hubby leaves my parents will arrive in town.. and I know that any loose ends that Hubby leaves behind my parents will be sure to tie up nice and neatly before they go back to the East Coast. I know that by the time September arrives and the school year starts, my life will be neatly in order and once school gets going I won't have very much time to dwell on missing Hubby.. I will be too busy surviving.

So. Maybe, just maybe this deployment won't rip my life apart the way the last one did. Maybe, just maybe this one will be very different.

Here's to the hope of maybe.

:)

Temper Tantrums

When I was in college I used to babysit this 3-year-old girl on Friday nights who threw temper tantrums that should have gone down in the record books. These temper tantrums were full throttle..she must have used every ounce of energy she had left inside of her to crawl screaming around her entire downstairs for 30 minutes.. while slobbering everywhere. I can only imagine that the time that she SCREAMED at the top of her lungs for 45 minutes while in her highchair at dinner she must have done some damage to her vocal chords.. But, I'll tell you what, that girl was committed. Her temper tantrums were absolutely amazing.

and.. today and a little bit yesterday and for a few moments last week... I really felt like I wanted to be like that little girl and scream at the top of my lungs.. slobber all over the floor.. and throw myself around my house. For some reason I think that girl must've been onto something. Throwing a temper tantrum like that must really relieve a lot of frustration and anger. Not only that, but after 30 minutes of screaming and rolling around on the floor.. it seems to me that you'd have to be too tired to remember what upset you in the first place.

With hubby's deployment looming ahead of me and a going away party that seems to be crashing and burning in my face,who knows.. it is possible that I just might find myself rolling around my living room floor one afternoon screaming at the top of my lungs. I can't make any promises that it won't happen.. that's all I'm going to say.

:)

happy and sad

Right now I am very happy and very sad at the same time. I did the inevitable today and actually glanced at a calendar. It was one of the scariest things I've ever forced myself to do.. especially when I realized that time with hubby is numbered to less than two weeks now.

I'm starting to feel a little bit like the person I was last March when he left for his first deployment....you know.. the person who is so overwhelmed with what's going on that life begins to feel a bit like a fog.. and the fact that I'm still functioning as a normal human is somewhat of a miracle.

But.. I'm happy. Hubby and I have been spending some great quality time together lately.. we're happier than ever...Life is good! Well, life is GREAT except for the fact that in less than two weeks I will be suffering through my own form of self-torture (aka DEPLOYMENT).

hmm.

This Saturday we finally took our jet ski out.. and.. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN that we went back again on Sunday! We found this GREAT lake about 30 minutes away from our house that allows jetskis on the weekends. The lake was HUGE with tons of little beach areas all around that you can beach on and hang out on between jetskiing. Both times we went we took some buddies along with us.. our jetski only holds two but we have the coolest raft for two that the jetski drags behind. Riding the raft was a mixture of the most fun you've ever had AND fearing for your life as you bounce around the lake. The best thing, in my opinion, was beaching on the side of the lake and laying on the raft. Pure heaven on earth.

Tomorrow we will probably go to Disneyland and finally make use of the tickets my students gave me for an end-of-the-year present.

Hmm.. So, can you understand how I say that right now I am So very happy and so very sad at the same time? On the bright side, though.. happy and sad together sure beats the hell out of sad all on its own. :)