Torn

In my last post, I mentioned that homesickness has set upon Hubby in Iraq. Yesterday things got even worse for him. As if feeling homesick wasn't enough, yesterday he had to do something in the line of duty that he had some trouble reconciling in his mind.

He found me on instant messenger and began telling me about what happened, and how it made him feel. My heart broke for him. And, halfway through the conversation his internet went down. I waited online anxiously for him to come back on to finish the conversation.

In the meantime, I was racing to get ready for a dinner I had scheduled with the ladies, feeling torn between the plans I had and wanting to wait for Hubby to return so we could finish our conversation.


By the time he came back online and we said all of our goodbyes, I was 30 minutes late leaving for dinner with the girls and also cutting an important conversation with my Husband a little bit short. I felt horrible on the inside. I hate disappointing people, and that night I disappointed everyone involved (including myself). Not only was I very late for dinner (they were waiting for me to leave for the restaurant) but I also left Hubby hanging during a time when he really needed me.

These are the times when deployments are especially hard. It's beyond difficult to feel torn between going on with life as usual at home and being there for Hubby in Iraq. You have to make difficult choices... and I'm slightly afraid that last night.. I made the wrong decision.

The regret that plagues me when I am the one who ends conversations first kills me on the inside. Or, if Hubby isn't 100% happy with me at the end of a discussion it eats at me until the next time I talk to him. There's always that fear of "what if something happens and that was our last converation" -- "will I live with regret for the rest of my life?"

I know that part of getting through this deployment successfully on my end is going on with my life. I need those dinners with my girlfriends. I need to take trips with them, have fun dinners, have a couple drinks, laugh. I need to do all of these things for my sanity. I know this. But, why do I feel so guilty when I say goodbye to Hubby and head out the door for a night of fun?

This is the life of the one left behind during a deployment.

Torn.