Sawyer Michael

I would like to formally introduce you, blog world, to my most precious baby Sawyer Michael. Born December 6 @ 1:07 am, 8 lbs exactly, 21 3/4 inches long.

He arrived on his own schedule, 10 days late, one day before he was scheduled to be induced. 30 long hours of labor followed by 2 hours of pushing made for a rough journey for both mommy and baby.

but, boy, was he ever worth it!

Less than 2 weeks old today, he already has his own little personality traits and characteristics that make him a very unique little man. He has a plethora of interesting facial expressions that he will entertain you with as you hold him. He loves nothing more than to rest his hand (or fist) on his little face. In fact, during labor between contractions, I would put my hands to my face in a very similar fashion to take a little breather. When he arrived in the world, one of the first things he did was put his hands to his face and the nurse proclaimed, "Just like his mommy!" :)

When he was born, my world started to spin and just can't seem to slow down.

There's much to update you on, but I must get off.... I can't stand being away from my little guy for too long.

Hello, there! Yep, it's me. I'm still here - pregnant as ever. More pregnant, in fact, than I thought I would ever be. Turns out, this baby is taking after his father's side of the family and is being a bit lazy about joining us. He really likes a warm, cozy bed just like his dad.

I'm back and forth about my feelings about this late baby... For one, I really thought I was going to have a November baby, but here we are in December, and it is clear that he has made his decision about which month it is best to be born into. I'm pretty uncomfortable with terrible pains in my ribs (front and back) on both my right and left side. I am probably not the most pleasant person to be around these days. I am desperately trying to keep a positive attitude, but sometimes I just get *tired and *cranky.

At my last Dr. Apt. I was all set to ask... or probably even beg for an induction this week, but somehow she convinced *us (Mike being very easy to convince, me being a bit more reluctant about the whole thing) that it's best to give baby another week to do things on his own terms. Best for him. Best for me. Best all around.

In the meantime, every morning when I wake up without any noticeable signs of being in labor my mom sighs sadly and walks away. Her time with baby is slowly, but surely ticking away the longer he procrastinates.

There is a definite end in sight now, though. That end is a bit farther off in the future than I hoped, but I fully expect this baby to make his debut any day now so I'm not getting too caught up in dates.

Other than that? Today is my wonderful husband's 30th birthday! I feel for him a little bit because though I will try to make it a special day centered around him, I'm just not the funnest person in the world right now and many possible birthday activities are off the table because of the fact that his wife is 10 months prego and counting.

I am incredibly thankful that he is here right now with me, and that he is just as excited about becoming a father as I am about becoming a mother. I have known him for 10 years of his life now, and I can honestly say that he has grown to be an incredible person and husband. He has one of those magnetic personalities that draw people to him and he loves with his whole heart. It is going to be a very special day for me when I finally get to see him hold his baby for the first time. He is going to be an incredible dad.

and on the plus side, he will always have a very easy time figuring out how old his first son is... exactly 30 years younger than him. :)

So Happy Birthday, my love. One thing we know for sure is that your 30th year will be very memorable indeed.

Waiting Game

Reunited and playing the waiting game now. Come on, baby! We're waiting for you. :)

It just really hit me today that my due date is only about a week and a half away... which is going to be here in the blink of an eye. Even if he is not early (as I sort of assume/hope he will be), he will be most certainly gracing the world with his presence in the very near future.

Now is when I start to get nervous. about the sleepless nights. about stupid mistakes. about being the mother to a precious little guy.

wow.

so incredible. I'm excited. so excited. and afraid. so afraid. but mostly excited.

Best Laid Plans

Silly me. Oh silly, silly me.

Here I was worrying about who was going to be at the airport with me when I finally reunited with Michael and what would happen after our little reunion that I didn't even bother thinking about the possibility that I might not actually make it to the airport.

Want to hear a funny story? (not funny haha, more like funny ironic)

The plans were set. My parents and I were driving to the airport to meet Michael for his 8:50 arrival into Baltimore. His parents were going to meet us there. We were all going to go out to a lovely brunch at a restaurant near the airport that I painstakingly researched and planned. My parents and I got up bright and early Sunday morning. We got ready. We got in the car. We were about halfway to the airport. My mom and I were both taking a nice little snooze on the way. I was sitting in the front with my dad so that I could recline the seat and take pressure off of my back and also keep the seatbelt below my belly...... when... suddenly... I felt the car swerve a bit or possibly slow down.

I opened my eyes to see a rather large buck racing across Highway 70 headed directly for our car. My dad put on his breaks, but that buck was just adamant that he was going to run straight into our car. Impact. The deer flew off to the side (this equals blessing number one) and I saw some pieces of car fly into the air. My exact outloud reaction to the incident: "Oh. Wow."

We pulled to the side of the road and my parents got out and assessed the damage. The front of the car was jacked-up, coolant leaking like crazy. Assessment = this car wasn't going to make it around the block let alone the rest of the way to the airport.

OMG.

We spent the next hour and a half/two hours in a burger king waiting for a tow truck to pick up my dad and the car and my sister to pick up my mom and me. Mike's parents who were thankfully already headed to the airport picked him up and we all met back here at my parents' house for an impromptu reunion and a brunch courtesy of my lovely save-the-day sister.

It was without a doubt one of the strangest mornings of my life. Even as I tried to be flexible about not having expectations about the reunion, our reunion still managed to shock the heck out of me. The morning was nothing I could have ever imagined.

But, you know what? It really was perfect... because we were finally together... and, in the end, that's all that mattered.

My dad's car and the deer, on the other hand... they did not fare so well in this whole strange turn of events.

The baby is fine, though. The Honda Pilot, people. It is now my favorite car. I barely felt the impact of that gigantic buck (he was a big boy, folks) so thankfully the baby suffered no negative effects from our wreck.

I have much to be grateful for.

Pending Reunion

He's coming. Tomorrow morning.

That's right. There's something strange about this deployment reunion that doesn't quite feel like a.... reunion. It's almost impossible for me to believe that he has actually been gone for 8 months... longer than we have ever been separated before. It doesn't feel that long. I think this has something to do with the fact that he's actually had use of a cell phone over the past several days, so I can actually call him and text him like normal people do... that somehow makes everything seem less deployment-ish and makes our upcoming reunion feel less reunion-ish.

This reunion is just going to be what it's going to be. I really wanted to drive to the airport by myself and have a special greeting between the two of us. You know, one of those where our eyes meet and we both start running and then he picks me up and twirls me around and everyone cries. Unfortunately, though, I won't be running to greet him since at 38 weeks uncomfortably prego I can barely walk, and I have a feeling my ginormous stomach will deter him from the thought of picking me up and twirling me around. The tears are still up-in-the-air, though, but since I mentioned already this reunion doesn't feel very reunion-ish, I'm thinking we will forgo (sp?) the tears. That and the fact that past experience has shown that when we reunite after long separations, I'm usually too busy laughing and smiling to even consider shedding a tear.

Also, I can't drive to the airport by myself to pick him up. Because.... I'm pretty sure I have a broken rib. Ok. so maybe not broken, but it sure feels that way sometimes. At the very least it is very bruised and painful, and I can barely sit in a car for an hour and a half (the length of time it takes to get to the airport) let alone be in control of a vehicle while managing the PAIN. For this reason, my parents are going to be driving me there...

and then when I went out to lunch with Mike's parents for my birthday (which was yesterday, which was awesome. I am 29! so OLD) his mom very casually mentioned that if anyone is going to go with me to the airport to pick up Michael they would like it to be them. BAH. So now my parents, mike's parents, and I will all be at the airport to greet Michael, and as you can see my little fantasy reunion has now crashed and burned into tiny pieces.

which is to be expected, really. If there's anything I've learned about reunions and other such things it's that expectations can really get you into trouble. You will usually be disappointed if you have expectations of how things will go and disappointment + seeing your husband for the first time in 8 months = NO GOOD.

That's why I'm just going with the flow. It will be what it will be and what it will be will be perfect because we will be together again. FINALLY.

and as long as I don't go into labor sometime within the next few hours, then I think it's safe to say that Michael will actually be here for the birth of this baby... which pretty much feels like a miracle at this point.

that's as long as he doesn't oversleep and miss his flight, get attacked by a swarm of bees, stuck in a hurricane, get in a car accident, or any of the other wild things my imagination has managed to come up with in the past week. Worrying is a favorite pasttime of mine.

Crossing my fingers and storming those heavens with prayers that Michael arrives safe and sound tomorrow morning is what I will be doing for the next 24 hours. Feel free to join me if you'd like.

pinch me

Somebody pinch me.
please.

This little life I'm leading right now is feeling a bit too... unreal. Is all of this actually happening? It's hard to believe pretty much 98% of the time.

For one, Mike is no longer in Afghanistan. I repeat. He has left the scary country. He made it out safely. *whew. *big freaking sigh of relief. He's in another country now for I'm not exactly sure how long before he will arrive back in the United States of America. That's right. The US of A. My husband is going to be in the same country as me sometime in the somewhat near future (even if I knew when he was coming back and where he was now I sure wouldn't post it online; because, call me paranoid, but I'm not going to be held responsible for giving away secret information to the *gasp* enemy.)

...And I'm REALLY excited. I mean SUPER happy. But then again there's this big part of me that probably needs to be pinched repeatedly or possibly slapped in the face once or twice so that I can snap out of it and actually realize that HOLY CRAP, my HUSBAND IS COMING HOME! for real. no joke. no marine corps false promises here. He's actually coming back. and God willing (En Sha Allah in Arabic -- one of Mike's key phrases that he brought with him from his last deployment) he will be here for the birth of this baby.

Speaking of BABY...
OMG. 37 weeks, people. I am 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow and this baby is pretty much fully cooked and ready to come out whenever he so chooses. I do hope he decides to show up sooner than later, but I also hope that he decides to show up after his daddy has arrived here in Pennsylvania. But, not wanting to put too much pressure on him, mostly I just hope that he is healthy. (and the cutest baby in the entire world, but that goes without saying, right? he will obviously be adorable and just the cutest baby anyone has every seen. right?)

right.
so pinch me a couple of times and then bring it on because all of the changes coming up in my life are changes I am welcoming with open arms.

Letting Go

I have been keeping in touch with many of my former students via facebook. It has been wonderful for me to stay connected with them and their lives. I always said that I knew I would miss the students, but I wouldn't miss the teaching part.

Recently, I have begun to think that maybe I was wrong. a little bit.

First of all, I recently received an email from a parent telling me that the new principal and 8th grade teacher are not planning to take the 8th graders to 8th Grade Camp this year. She didn't write just to complain; she wanted me to give her some information about camp... the purpose, what the students have gotten out of it in the past, etc. I wrote her a long email in return, and I have to say... my heart is a little bit broken for this year's 8th grade class if they don't get the opportunity to experience camp. It's definitely one of those experiences that the students will remember forever.

Also, lately, the students have been writing to me complaining about drama class this year. It's BORING, they say. It's a DISASTER, they say. I do my best to take teenager complaints with a grain of salt (because, let's face it, complaining is pretty much an art form to them), but enough of them have written to me about it that I think they are actually unhappy. That also makes me sad because damned if I didn't sweat blood and tears to whip that program into shape while I was there.

finally... and probably most devastating of all... apparently the 8th graders aren't reading any novels in literature class. *gasp! *sigh. *tear. I know that the school is using an awesome textbook series for the first time this year which I know firsthand is chock full of wonderful short stories, poems, and plays.... but.... no novels? The teacher isn't having the students read any novels on top of what they're getting from the textbook? The horror.

Yes. I am clearly having a little bit of trouble letting go. It certainly doesn't help that the students are keeping me so well informed, either. I appreciate that they want to keep in touch. I just wish they were telling me how excited they are for 8th grade camp, how wonderful their drama classes are going this year, and how much they love the novels they are reading in literature class.

At the same time, I fully realize that I gave up the right to have an opinion on any of these topics when I handed in my resignation. Letting go is not easy, but I do believe that I made the correct choice by moving on.

Drama Mama

There was a time last summer after spending a few weeks with my heartbreakingly adorable nephew when I questioned whether I was cut out for the job of parenthood. I decided that I would probably be okay, but that my heart would break on a regular basis.

I think one of my biggest flaw? attributes? is that I feel other people's emotions and pain very strongly. Especially people I really care about. That's why last year when the little kids didn't want to play with my nephew at the playground, I pretty much thought I would die of a broken heart.

I realize that's a bit dramatic, but hey! it's how I felt. truly.

Currently, my siberian husky is having some health problems. Logically, I realize that he has had similar health problems in the past and there has never been any medical reason for why he was having them... he's just a nervous little guy is all. Big life changes wreak havoc on him and next thing you know his anxiety is manifesting itself in all kinds of health problems. Irrationally, I pretty much have myself convinced that he's dying and I'm really freaking out about it. Every time he presents a not-so-healthy symptom I have to hold myself back from running around the house crying, stomping and screaming, "WHY ME?! WHY NOW?!"

Again. dramatic. I know.

Which leads me to my point. I am again finding myself wondering if I am indeed cut out for the job of parenthood. with 5 weeks to go until my due date, I realize it's just a bit too late to turn back, but I'm worried. I mean, every time my baby coughs or sneezes or poops a strange color am I going to do the same thing I am doing now with my dog?

The only possible answer to this question is an unequivocal YES. I mean, if I'm freaking out like this over a dog, I can only imagine that the drama will be magnified ten fold when it's my baby we're talking about.

I can only hope that I don't get so dramatic that I screw my kid up beyond repair. Luckily (I think?) he will have a dad who is my polar opposite. As I am running around the house stomping and screaming that our child is dying of some rare and unknown disease, he will be calmly watching television and assuring me that everything is FINE, just FINE.

I just pray that he will always be right.

My mom and I started taking childbirth classes. Our first class was this past Monday. It was VERY informative... which is... exactly what I need. And then, at the end of class they whipped out these birthing videos to give you an idea of natural childbirth, childbirth with a pain shot, and childbirth with the epidural. Before I watched the videos, I was all gung-ho on the epidural. After I watched the videos, I was all gung-ho on the idea of keeping this baby inside of me forever.

OMG. Let me tell you. These were not your run-of-the-mill Baby Story on TLC birth videos... these videos showed everything. Three videos. Three times I watched what started with the tip of a head and was suddenly a gush of blood and blood and all kinds of gucky stuff come flying out of you-know-where. Three times I cringed. Suffice to say, I'm a little freaked about delivering this baby.

I'm a whimp, people. My sister does have me sold on the epidural, though. I trust my sister's advice in most if not all major decisions of my life. Therefore, upon her expert 2 time veteran recommendation, I'm going to go with that epidural so that even though my insides are going to get ripped out when this baby makes an appearance... at least I won't be able to feel it! :)

And then there's this... I'm really excited. How I manage to walk around like a normal human being on a regular basis, I am not entirely sure. If it weren't for my difficulty getting around these days and my waddle-walk, I would probably skip from place to place. I mean. MIKE'S COMING HOME. He's going to be here. with me. with us. I will not be alone navigating the twisty turns of parenthood for the first several months. I'm ecstatic about this.

My only real worry these days is that he won't make it here for the actual birth. After that first childbirth class, I pretty much decided that he. must. be. there. For my sanity and strength. He. Must. Be. There.

But I know... this will not be up to us... it will be up to this baby. If this baby comes on time or a bit late, Mike will definitely be there. If this baby is early.. well... he probably won't. I can't dwell on it. What will be will be and how it will be will be perfect as long as this baby comes out healthy. That needs to be my main focus.

Next weekend is my baby shower. I'm super excited and a little nervous (man, it's rough being the center of attention.. seriously). I expect this having a baby thing to feel all the more real after I am showered with all the baby gear I could ever possibly dream of having. As of tomorrow I will be 33 weeks pregnant.. which is only 4 weeks from 37 weeks.. which is the date when they say the baby is technically considered "full term"!

crazy!

There's so many things to look forward to in the next 2 months. I can only imagine that time will FLY BY and next thing I know I will be posting pics of my adorable baby boy.
:)

Doggie Heaven is....

Lots of yard in which to play fetch....

and all the sticks a doggie heart could desire.

Culture Shock

It really is a different world out here on the East Coast. I was prepared for some of the changes: different accents (yes, the people here on South Central PA do indeed have accents whether they like to admit it or not), scenery changes, THUNDERSTORMS (if you ever see thunder and lightning in San Diego it's most likely the end of the world).

There are other things, however, that have taken me quite by surprise. They are as follows.

1. country music. I didn't realize the lack of country music in San Diego until I came here and realized that as I search for radio stations, country music stations account for just about every other one.

2. old people. They're everywhere. I guess San Diego just isn't much of a retirement community because darn if it doesn't shock me every time I walk into a grocery store and realize I'm surrounded by SENIOR CITIZENS.

3. people who are physically unable to pronounce my last name. I married a Puerto Rican with a very common, very simple Hispanic last name. In the last 2 days I've heard this last name pronounced three different ways, none of which were even remotely reminiscent of the correct pronunciation.

4. friendly people. One of the first few nights I was in town, my mom and I took my dogs for a walk. Without fail, everyone who drove or passed by waved hello. With every passing person I asked my mom, "do you know that person?" to which she always responded, "nope."

5. Bugs. I was very upset and unsettled during the x-country drive when I received my very first bug bite in who knows how long. We were at a rest stop in Colorado, and I immediately knew that this was one change I was not looking forward to.

I'm very happy to be here with my parents, but there are those times when I feel like I am experiencing quite a culture shock. This makes me think of Michael and how strange the transition must be for him when he comes back from deployment.

So many things to say... yet so hard to figure out where to begin... or what to write.

As of tomorrow, I will be 30 weeks pregnant. I'm finally kissing the weeks of the 20's goodbye. It's exciting to me. Just another step toward what I've been waiting for all this time... meeting baby.

And the latest? (though, admittedly, I am actually pretty much terrified to put this in writing or even tell anyone for fear that it will change... AGAIN) it seems as though Mike has a replacement. There's a name. Written in as his replacement, and supposedly he's going to be heading back to the states sometime in November.

I'm too scared to get my hopes up... but it's so exciting. He might actually be here... for good. I might not actually be doing the single parenting thing. It all sounds almost too good to be true.

Right now, though, I'm just taking things a day at a time. Pregnancy at this point is pretty uncomfortable, and I can only expect it to get more so. I have trouble keeping up with my 57-year-old mom and 63 year-old-dad on our evening walks with the dogs. It's quite interesting, and I sometimes have trouble believing that I will ever be back to my old self.

My stomach squirms around on a regular basis these days. It's actually the baby doing the squirming, but I'm not sure I've fully processed the whole baby thing yet, so for now I'm captivated to watch the movement of my belly. Even when I can't feel the movements sometimes, I can see them. Pretty neat. I do hope that Michael arrives back at least a few days before the baby is born so that he can experience this with me.

Overall, I'm really looking forward to fall and all that it will bring to my life.

I have arrived

*whew. I am exhausted! 5 days on the road and a day of frustrating phone calls to insurance and doctor's offices will do that to you, I suppose.

The trip was... perfect. I really cannot complain for even one moment. Though we drove through several major cities, we never hit traffic even once. The weather was lovely. We easily found affordable hotels that accepted my 2 dogs every night, and we arrived in one piece. What more could we have asked for?

Our journey went like this: California - Nevada - Arizona - Utah - Colorado - Kansas - Missouri - Illinois - Indiana - Ohio - West Virginia - Pennsylvania - West Virginia - Maryland - Pennsylvania

The last leg of the trip (everything that follows Ohio) doesn't seem to make much sense, but according to my bro-in-law who is Ohio-born-and-raised this is the best route back to my hometown from Ohio taking into account the roads you go on and all of that lovely stuff.

Overall, Colorado is by far the most scenic/beautiful state, though my dad might beg to differ and say that West Virginia is. I told him that's why he lives out here on the East Coast. Kansas was the most BORING state as far as scenery... the wind was crazy there though which kept driving interesting because you certainly needed to keep both hands on the wheel at all times. We saw several major cities, as I already mentioned, and had we not had 2 dogs and a pregnant woman in the car it would have been quite interesting to make some stops to take in the country a bit more.

And when we arrived here to PA? My sister and my nephews were standing in the yard with my mom waiting to greet me. What a lovely surprise! Actually, I had texted her earlier in the day saying we would be arriving in approx. 4 hours, so I expected her to be there waiting for us. I certainly didn't think she'd go ahead and actually do it, so that was quite awesome.

Now the dogs and I are settling into our new home, and it's not too shabby. In fact, the dogs are in green grass heaven. They don't make yards out West like they do here in Pennsylvania, that's for sure!

Today was a trying day, however. My insurance finally processed my enrollment to the East Coast from the West Coast and assigned me a primary care manager. I thought the hard part was over..... until I spoke with my new dr's office and realized they were less than cooperative.

The way my insurance works is that I get assigned a primary care manager and all of my other care needs to be referred through them. So, in order to get into an OB I first need to see my new primary care doctor who must refer me to my OB. The problem was, the primary care office didn't want to fit me in for another month.... after which I would still need to wait for the appointment that I actually need which is the appt. with the OB. After tears.... and stress.... and multiple phone calls... I finally spoke with the office manager who got me an appointment sooner and gave me the information for the OB they would be referring me to so that I could go ahead and make my appointment with them so as not to delay my care any further. *geesh. So it's finally all taken care of and OK, but I certainly had some stress there inbetween.

My insurance is great in that they pay for EVERYTHING. My insurance is not so great in that you are forced to jump through a couple of extra loops that other insurance providers don't require you to jump through.

But... it all seems to be working out now, so I suppose I shouldn't be complaining.

All in all... I'm happy to b here safe and sound with a baby who moves and kicks regularly, 2 dogs who should win some kind of award for easily adapting to major life changes, and parents who will do anything for me.

Ok. So this is most definitely the last you will hear from me while I'm still on the West Coast.

But I just had to take a moment to write because.... I'm scared. Leaving my house and all of my worldly posessions is a lot scarier than I thought it would be. I have a little life here with a cute little house and all kinds of nice things that we have accumulated over the years. Gosh, I never thought of myself as very materialistic, but it's really hard to leave all of these things behind and just *pray* that I come back and everything is still in one piece exactly where I left it.

I know I'm taking everything that's most important with me.
I know that this arrangement, for my peace of mind, is certainly the lesser of 2 evils. But it's still pretty scary. In fact, I'm pretty freaked.

I'm sure all I need to stop worrying about this house is a good couple of hundred miles of distance between it and me. Then I will be able to put it out of my mind and focus just on the future.

Gearing Up

I am currently getting myself geared up for the big trek x-country. In case you don't know, I'm relocating to the East Coast for a few months so I'm not stuck out here all alone on the West Coast to have this baby. (Ok, so maybe I wouldn't be all alone, but I wouldn't have my most treasured people here with me which would just be a shame, don't you think?)

The latest word with Mike is that they are officially requesting a replacement for him. As far as other official information, there isn't any, so I feel confident to continue with my plans for relocation.

Though I have a few strange twinges inside of me about just up and leaving my house and all of my worldly belongings for several months, I am totally aware of the fact that everything that is most important will be with me. Everything else is just possessions and can be replaced.

My current fervent prayers go as follows: healthy pregnancy, healthy baby, safe return for Mike, safe trip for my dad and me to the East Coast. Everything else is just details.

Back on the Elliptical

During my 1st trimester I was deathly afraid of pretty much everything. If I could have built a safe cocoon and stayed inside of it, I probably would have. I'm a worrier by nature and the realization that I had the life of the teeniest tiniest person inside of me had me in super crazy worry mode.

When my first trimester was over and with multiple assurances from my doctor that not only was exercising safe during pregnancy, I should be doing it at least 4 times a week, I bit the bullet and got back on my elliptical machine one day.

I only lasted for about 5 minutes... because... call it coincidence... those 5 minutes happened to also be the first time I experienced round ligament pain...

I abruptly got off and did not consider getting back on again until recently.

I guess now that I've had the assurances of 1. a healthy ultrasound 2. a baby who moves regularly and 3. an expanding belly, I figured that it was time to get back on that elliptical. finally. As panicked as I was about doing something to hurt the baby, I was almost equally panicked about more than 9 months without an exercise regimen.

So I've been doing elliptical. Very. Very. Slowly. For between 30 and 40 minutes a day.. 4 or 5 times a week... like the doctor ordered. I feel really great about it.

Zen

ooooohhhhmmmmm.... oooohhhmmmmm..... oooohhhhmmmm.... (<----- me meditating!)

I've gone to my happy place, folks. I don't know if I'm overreacting to all of this or what. It's a little bit hard for me to be objective about this right now.

Yesterday was.... interesting. It started with the 75% chance email from Mike. Continued with a frustrating skype conversation with him in which the skype kicked him off every 5 minutes without fail. crescendoed with a lot of feeling sorry for myself kind of stuff, and ended with a looooooong conversation with myself and God (if he was around to listen).

What I figured out from all of that was I don't know much for sure. All that I do know for sure is that I will be there when I give birth and so will the baby. I don't know where we will be. I don't know who will be with us. But it will be OK. Maybe I won't get to see Michael's universe shift as he witnesses the miracle of childbirth. Maybe everything won't work out as perfectly as my imagination has decided it should. Maybe. Maybe my mom will totally miss everything due to her work schedule and limited time off. Maybe.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. That's all it is right now is a whole bunch of maybe's.

Oh-freaking-well. It is what it is. It will be what it will be.

and what will it be? Incredible. And Amazing. And Special. And Life changing.

I mean, according to my mom, Chinese women are giving birth in rice paddies as we speak, so I guess I don't really have it so bad. (inside joke there, folks. don't judge us).

So I'm back in my happy place. Until I have something official to freak out about, I am taking a chill pill and doing the zen thing. I always thought that being pregnant would have to be the coolest thing in the entire world. and it is. and I do not want to ruin that with my own anxieties and fears of what the future will bring.

The future will take care of itself.
For now I will do the same....take care of myself.

The End.

;ldskfa;jf;jrf

Doesn't the Marine Corps realize that there's a little person involved in this world now as they are jerking our chains around and changing their minds every 5 seconds to the point of confusing and freaking the hell out of me!

Apparently, Mike's commanding officer sat him down and told him there's a 75% chance that he will have a replacement and come home early. 75% chance?! 75 PERCENT?! What the heck is that supposed to mean? Are we supposed to be able to make plans around 75 freaking percent?!

At this point, I don't trust anything they tell us and I am almost desperately frightened of sticking around here even if they do tell us that there's a 100% chance that Mike has a replacement. If they change their mind... that would be it. Then I would be stuck here in San Diego and the only person other than Mike that I would want in the delivery room with me wouldn't be able to BE HERE... because she, like... works and everything. and I would be totally and completely royally screwed.

Trying to stay positive and not freak out. Trying desperately to go with the flow. but it's HARD, verging on impossible.

Baby Room

The crib! I wanted white but couldn't find anything in white that wasn't either insanely expensive or not to my taste. Now that I have it, I'm actually much happier with the cinnamon color I chose instead. The baby bumper was a clearance item at Target. It was quite a find. The baby blanket hanging on the right side of the crib was my first baby present and was given to me by one of my students. I loved it so much that I decided to decorate the entire baby room around it, thus you find the pale green walls.

This wall was my sister's idea: children's book covers framed. Her original idea was to buy the hard back books and frame the dust covers. That idea turned out to be a bit pricey, so my mom decided instead to print out pictures of the book covers and frame them. Love it!

And, last but not least... the changing table... which as you can see is very empty for the time being. Not for long, though, I'm sure. The stuffed animals hanging above were gifts that my students gave me throughout the school year. At the end of the year when they found out I was pregnant they made me promise to give them to the baby. Too sweet.

So the room is all ready for baby and Michael and me when we return to Cali in March or April. It's very fun to have it all ready and waiting for us. Thanks Mom and Dad!

Frustration

Deployment.
Ugh.
4 months down... 8 to go.

I try not to think about the daunting amount of time that stretches out before us. I try to focus on the present. I try not to get frustrated with communication. I try not to worry about Michael's emotional well-being. I try.

It's not easy, though.

Frustrating is the best word I can use to describe it. It's frustrating to wait days for a response to a simple question. It's frustrating hanging up the phone and then thinking of 10 things you forgot to mention or talk about. It's frustrating waiting around all day for an email that never comes. It's frustrating talking to your husband on the phone when he is sitting in a room full of marines and never, ever having a completely private phone conversation. It's frustrating just not having him here.

There are times when I get so frustrated, I literally have to do a body shake and shake myself out of it.

Most of the time I am really great at living in the present. During those times, a one-line email simply stating "I'm ok and I love you" is enough for me. During those times, I am content living this alone life knowing that soon enough this whole deployment will be a distant memory and we will be reunited once again. During those times, I know that this deployment is what is enabling us to be financially secure as I quit my job and prepare to be home with this baby... and I am thankful to Michael for making this sacrifice for his family. During those times, life is grand and I am lucky to have such a committed and devoted husband.

During the other times, though? the times when I jump out of bed in the morning expectantly scanning my email for something from Mike and finding nothing. The times when the phone rings and I hope to God it's Mike.. but it's not. The times when something happens and I just wish I could talk to him about it... a funny commercial that I want him to laugh at with me.. an important question about our medical insurance. The times when I ask him questions on the phone that he refuses to answer bc there are other people around and he can't talk about it...

Those are the times of frustration.

Hormonal Dreams

Have you ever taken nighttime cold medicine and then suffered through a night of fitful sleep and strange dreams?

If you have, then you have some idea what it's like to have a pregnancy dream. My dreams for the past few months have been outrageously strange and realistic (at the same time).

This morning when I woke up, I forced myself awake after suffering through a long, drawn out dream where I was taking my students to church and trying to get them to properly genuflect before taking their places in the pew. In my dream I literally went through each student in the class. I forced myself awake from this "nightmare" and said aloud, "Why am I dreaming about SCHOOL?" Ugh!

But, you know, I suppose sleeping is going to get more and more difficult and uncomfortable as I get bigger and more uncomfortable, so I suppose I should stop complaining about my vividly strange dreams and just be happy I'm getting some sleep.

jury duty

Yesterday I went into the courthouse to do my civic duty and do the juror-thang.

I was really dreading it. let me repeat. really, really, really dreading it. out of the 173 people who showed up, I was among the lucky 50 who didn't get to go home at 9:30 am; because, as the luck of the draw would have it, I was in the jury pool. yippee!

First, we each had to introduce ourselves and give specific information about ourselves as dictated on a sheet handed to us when we walked in. See:

1. Sarah (Sorry)
2. jr. high english teacher (just quit my job, but they don't need to know that)
3. my husband is a helicopter pilot for the marine corps (he hasn't actually flown a helicopter for about 2 years or more, but that's still technically his working title so....)
4. Children? currently pregnant with my first
5. I've never been a juror before
6. I don't see any reason why I couldn't be fair

That's all they knew about me. The lawyers did each get 15 minutes to ask us specific questions. They didn't ask me any, though. Those initial 6 answers and this honest face landed me as juror #3 on a criminal trial.

yippee again!

Actually, after I wasn't sent home at 9:30 am with the other 125 lucky bastards (pardon my french) I kind of figured I might as well make this thing worth my time and get picked. I mean, I don't have anything better to do except float in my pool and read books. Why not make myself useful and help make sure that justice is served?

The trial started almost immediately after they decided on their jury, and we've already heard one witness. and I'm already going insane because the prosecuting attorney (a seemingly educated, intelligent woman) has bad grammar. I kid you not. I think she used the exact phrase "had went" at least 5 times during her questioning and opening statement. It's distracting, and I have to physically hold myself back from screaming every time she says it.

Ex. - Prosecutor: At this point you had went back into the house?

grrrrr....

If I can get past my bias against this attorney's improper grammar, I do believe I will manage to be a fair and impartial juror. I look forward to learning the rest of the evidence of this case and working with my fellow jurors to come to a decision. Wish us luck.

to tip or not to tip

there's a question that has been bugging me for quite some time now. as a "single" person, cooking is not always my favorite option for meals. it's really hard to shop and cook for one person. despite great intentions a lot of food goes to waste (or to my dogs' doggie dishes - thus the reason why they fully expect to be fed every time I turn on the oven).

for this reason, i often find myself resorting to take out. yum.

thai food is one of my favorites, and it is at this particular restaurant that i face a predicament.

i pay by credit card - always - and on that darn receipt is a place for tip. i don't usually give a tip, but the question of whether i actually should be giving a tip has really begun to bug me. i reason that the restaurant hasn't done any service beyond what mcdonalds does every minute of every day, so why do they deserve a tip? but then i always feel bad. really bad. are they expecting a tip? i am the annoying customer who doesn't leave one? does their heart sink when i hand my receipt over and they see a big stinkin' $0.00 in the space for tip?

so i pose this question to you, 3 readers...
should i tip or shouldn't i tip for take-out?

i will leave this decision to you.

Paranoia Paranoia

I must be subconsciously freaked about all the earthquakes we've been having lately. Last night, after I had fallen asleep (for who knows how long) I was jolted from my sleep by an "earthquake". I shot out of bed ready to head outside to ride out the "earthquake".

It took me a minute, but I soon realized that my earthquake was no earthquake. One of my dogs had run into my closet door causing it to shake loudly and then jumped onto my bed. THAT was my earthquake.

Wow. Am I paranoid or what?

Well, yes, actually I am.
I am almost convinced that the world is going to end in 2012. I'm sure this has nothing to do with my raging pregnancy hormones. Nothing at all.

Yesterday, I made the mistake of watching The View and have regretted it ever since. They had this CIA lady on there saying that Iran is developing nuclear weapons and that Al Qaeda wants nothing more than to get their hands on them and use them on US.

That night as I went to my peaceful slumber, I actually considered convincing my East Coast family (especially my DC sister) to move out here to the West Coast. I reasoned that they will most likely attack the East Coast, specifically Washington, DC.

Now you know why as a general rule I don't watch the news. EVER. Little did I know that the ladies from The View would take a break from arguing about Lindsey Lohan and actually hit on something that might scare the CRAP out of me.

And as I mentioned before, I'm sure that this crazy paranoia has absolutely nothing to do with raging pregnancy hormones. Nothing at all.

from the crazy mind of a pregnant woman

It's hard to write these days, because though on the surface it may appear that I'm living the easy, lazy life this summer there's actually a lot going on...

in my mind.

My parents are gone now. Boo Hoo! Though I gave them a hard time for never relaxing for even a moment while they were here, I do truly appreciate all the hard work they put into helping me get my physical surroundings in order. I'll never forget, the summer before I got married I was living back at home with my parents and one day my mom did a major clean of my bedroom. Because everything else in my life was in chaos at the time, it was her theory that having my physical surroundings neat and orderly would help. She was right. It did.

So I think that their trip out here this summer was along the same lines.

Being sick (1st trimester), insanely busy, and even on crutches for a while (stupid foot injury) I really hadn't kept up with anything at my house pretty much since Michael left in March. I'm generally not a very good housekeeper, but I'm never that bad. It feels really great right now bc my house is in great shape, everything to it's place, and all I have to do is keep up with it.

The best part? I actually feel good enough to keep up with it. Not to mention that I actually have the time.

So far it really does seem like Mike is going to continue to be deployed for the original 12 month timespan. I'm nothing but mixed feelings with all of this. Totally annoyed that the 6 month option ever even had to come up and get me all excited. Nervous to abandon my house for such a long period of time. Happy to be moving back to my parents' house where I will be surrounded with not just people but family. It's easy to get used to being alone, but you don't realize how hard it really is until you have people around and then they leave. But I adapt quickly.

I'm nervous for my dogs -- another huge change in their lives. I'm worried Mike won't be there for the birth of the baby... or worse yet... the baby will be late and on his 2 week r&r mike will only be able to see me as a 9 month pregnant miserable whale and not get to meet his baby...

In the end, though, I just have to believe that things will happen how they're meant to happen. As long as at the end of all of this Mike comes back from deployment safe and sound and we have a healthy baby it will all have been worth it.

It's a BOY by the way. Which is super exciting. Some of the family members seem to be a bit disappointed... since both my sister and mike's sister have 2 boys and no girls to be seen yet on either side of the family. We're happy, though.

I feel the baby move all the time now. It's awesome. I get nervous on the days when I don't feel the baby move as much. But that's suppposed to be normal, soo....

Tomorrow the teachers at my school are throwing me a little baby shower. My belly growth is slow but sure. You get used to the movies where one day the mom's belly is flat and the next day she has the belly of a 7 month pregnant woman. You don't see the inbetween stage. The stage where people look at you for a moment and you can hear them wondering, "is that lady pregnant... or does she just have a round gut?" that's the stage I've been in for quite some time now, and though I'm ready to leave it behind I'm also seriously concerned about getting stretch marks so maybe this bigger/but not quite big enough to be obvious belly is ok with me for now.

ahhh.

so I really must get the heck off of this computer because I am sure the more I write the crazier I seem. Yes. my mind is ALL OVER THE PLACE.

But I'm happy.
I swear to you, I am.

working on a baby room

My parents arrived in San Diego last Tuesday and since arriving have created dramatic change in my house... in my tiny, tiny 1100 square foot house.

I didn't think it could be done, but my computer room has been completely emptied out and all the furniture in that room has been moved to my living room. The serving table that was in my living room is now in the kitchen. A dresser from my guest room has found its new home inside my bedroom. And my elliptical machine is now residing comfortably in the guest room. Who knew my tiny house had all of this room for shifting furniture? I sure didn't. All that and we only had one furniture casualty - a chaise lounger that I was not at all sorry to say goodbye to and that was picked up off of my sidewalk after only 20 minutes or so thanks to a little sign attached to it that said FREE.

My dad worked hard cleaning the carpets in both my bedroom and the baby's room and painting the baby's room a pale green. I desperately wanted a white crib and changing table, but alas it was not to be. I did find some white cribs but they either cost over $300 or they were not to my taste whatsoever. Finally, I went with the style of crib I loved and opted for a cinnamon wood color instead. It is very pretty and it brings out the pale green of the walls.

We're waiting until July 9 when we find out the sex of the baby to put the finishing touches on the room, so I will wait to post pictures until it is all set.

However, I can tell you that my plan is that if it's a girl the accent color will be a pale purple and if it's a boy the accent color will be a deep brown.

I am very excited.

I am also excited about the fact that my belly has grown significantly just in the last week or so. On Saturday I will be 19 weeks pregnant which according to the pregnancy calendars is the start of my 5th month of pregnancy. 5 months?! Holy Cow time is flying by! (and I don't mind one bit!)

Stay tuned for pictures later, but for now I just thought I'd stop in and let you know what I've been up to.

that's more like it

la la la la la la la.
now that's more like it.

I awoke to an email from Mike this morning... it went a little something like this:

"bad news. It might be a year. (random marine group) is fighting it. it's an ongoing battle. so you should plan to move East for now."

That sounds more like the marine corps I know and.... know.

I guess I'm just not going to hold my breath either way. I hope he comes home early. I'm annoyed, because I had been all set for a year and now have hopes for shorter. such is life, though.

onward I go...

good news... i think!

So here's the latest...

apparently, Mike has a replacement. apparently, the marine corps might do to mike's year depoloyment that which is basically unheard of: cut it short. turn it into a 7 month deployment. wow.

I mean. I can't say that it is a total shock. Going into the deployment the goal of his command was to bring everyone home after 6 or 7 months. They told us not to count on it. They assured us that replacements were few and far between - difficult to find.

Despite what you may think, the marine corps doesn't actually want their marines deployed for an entire year. They are actually aware of how much of a strain this is for the marines and their families. But really? How often do you hear that a deployment has been cut short? You hear about extended deployments. all. the. time. But shortened deployments? no ma'am. I've never heard of one. ever.

So that's the news. He apparently has a replacement and will probably be coming home October-ish (we think). But that's all we know. It hasn't yet been set in stone. There is not a definite return date. It's all still a little bit too much up in the air for my taste.

But I'm trying to be patient.

Because..... I mean it's good news. I can wait a little longer to get more clarification on this good news. For now, I will just have to be content with this news and not freak out about it too much.

However, here's the thing. There's this other little human involved in this whole military life now and things aren't as easy as they were before. My plan was to move back to the East Coast at the end of this summer and be there until Mike's return in March. Now that Mike will probably be back in October, aka before the baby is born!, it doesn't sound like moving to the East Coast is such a great plan any more.

We need to know for sure, though. We need to know for sure that Mike is coming back early and for sure that he will be here before the baby is born. We need to know these "for sures" so that I can make plans for our baby.

I guess I just have to make a couple of plans and go with the one that seems to make the most sense when it's time for action. I wasn't planning to move until the end of August anyway, so we have a couple of months to figure all of this out. I am doing my best to be patient. It is not easy. I'm managing, though.

In any case, the idea of Mike for sure being here when I go to the hospital to deliver? Priceless. So, I suppose I can take a little uncertainty for a little while if the end result is him being here for that very important day.

Until then......
pray for my sanity... and mike's early return from Afghanistan.

Lovely Summer

Holy Cow have do I ever have a lot to accomplish this week!

I'm accomplishing it... slowly... very slowly.

Today I spent my morning at school where I made a tiny dent in the cleaning-out-my-classroom process. Around 11:30 am it got a little too warm in my non-air conditioned classroom and my belly was a little too hungry so I took a much needed lunch break with my buddy. That was lovely.

After lunch I closed up my classroom and took a spontaneous trip to Target. There were some items that I needed to purchase... including t-shirts that fit my expanding form.

After Target I hit the Farmer's Market for some good produce and healthy food that my body has been craving lately.

When I got home I ignored the disaster of a house I live in and headed out to the backyard to do a little bit of work in my disaster of a yard. After making it less of a disaster, I rewarded myself by relaxing with my feet in the pool reading the first book in the Sookie Stackhouse series. I'm only on chapter 2 and already in love with it. I am also in love with my pool. and reading a book with my feet dipped inside of it.

All in all, I have to say... Day 1 of summer vacation = nothing less than lovely.

The END

When I first found out I was pregnant, there was a big part of me that thought that I would NOT survive the 3 busiest months of the school year feeling all sick, tired, and preggers and without Michael.

But I'm here to tell you.... I DID IT! I survived! I made it!

Yesterday was officially the last day of school. It should have been bittersweet. I should have shed a few tears. I should have had some sadness as I pulled out of that parking lot. But I didn't.

The truth is, I am just much too excited about my future that I don't have it in me to feel the slightest bit sad or sentimental about my past.

Well, I take that back, I did get a bit teary-eyed while watching the season finale of my new favorite show Glee. Somehow that show helped me find the tears that real life just wasn't providing for me.

In any case, I certainly felt loved during my last week. I received much of my favorite thing in the whole world to receive - letters and cards with heartfelt messages written inside. The binder where I keep special things from my students doubled in size this week, I'll just say that.

Probably the coolest thing that happened all week was that yesterday, on the last day of school, my very first class of 8th graders (now just finishing up their sophomore year in high school) showed up and spent the morning with me. 18 of them. 18 16-year-olds who could've spent their morning doing who knows what, decided instead to spend their morning in my classroom with me saying goodbye. It was indeed a special day that I will not soon forget.

All in all, I have no regrets and am ready to move forward.

My hope is that this distance from the classroom setting will give me a chance to reflect. Maybe I will miss it. Maybe I won't. Time will tell.

Working on closing that door..

Last night was my very last 8th grade graduation. The planning was nothing less than stressful, but I knew all along that all I had to do was get through last week and then it would be smoothe sailing to the end of the school year, summer vacation, and the beginning of my new life.

Graduation went off without a hitch. Well,unless you call the fact that both the parents and I scheduled a DJ for the after-graduation party a hitch. That's a funny story for another time, though.

Really, it was great. I'm not too sure how I should be feeling right now. I guess it really is how I've said before. I'm not going to miss the classroom. I don't think. I am going to miss the kids. After the graduation dance, the 8th graders were giving me farewell hugs and one girl latched onto my back and would not let go. She walked with me that way throughout the room as I said my goodbyes to everyone. I'm thinking maybe she is going to miss me. Just a hunch.

I think my brother said it best when he said that it's good that I have an "excuse" to leave my school. It's not my life's work. It was a good experience, but it would have been almost impossible for me to leave if I didn't have a good reason for doing so. Even with the pregnancy and my husband is deployed and I need to be with family reason I have students begging me to stay. I don't feel guilty now, but I can't imagine how guilty I would have felt if I had no better reason to leave than I simply wanted to go.

I am currently holding pretty strong to the idea that next week will be my last week in the classroom. At least in the traditional classroom. I like working with kids. I don't like being their teacher. That's what I know. That's enough for now.

The other thing I know is that I am over the moon excited to take a break from my career, focus on my family, and see what happens from there.

I am practically giddy about opening this new chapter of my life.

I'm feeling good. Michael is doing well. As far as I know the baby is healthy (I'm 15weeks today!). Our relationship is strong. Life is good.

For the past 3 days I was up in the mountains of Southern California with my 8th grade class. They go to camp every year at this time before they graduate and head their different ways, and it is always an awesome experience for them and for me.

This year was no exception. I had the opportunity this year to see my students cheer each other on, face fears, support one another, and really work as a team. The first evening we were there, we hiked to the top of a mountain where you could see all the way to the ocean, each took a seat in a meadow, and watched the sunsent. It was pretty darn cool.

I was tired, though.

It's interesting doing things pregnant that I have done not-pregnant and noting the difference in my level of endurance. I wanted to be able to do exactly what I've done before, but that just wasn't plausible. The last day we were there, I really just needed to sit around. I was exhausted. My back ached from camp sleeping accomodations, and despite the great time I was having, more than anything I just wanted to go HOME.

The whole thing was bittersweet. I don't think I'm going to have any trouble walking away from my job or my school at the end of this year. The lesson planning and grading and disciplining? The marathon staff meetings, the incompetence of leadership, the complaining teachers? I will wave sionara to all those things and not look back. But the students? Them, I will miss.

On the other hand, I happily announce to you that as of today I have officially taken that giant leap into my 2nd trimester! Goodbye 1st trimester worries! All the websites and books say that I can expect to get my energy back and to start feeling less morning sickness. This morning I woke up raring to go. I even went into the backyard and did some work on my much abandoned pool. But right around 2 pm the exhaustion hit and I just had to lie down and take myself a nice afternoon snooze.

Well, maybe my energy will come back tomorrow. :)

In any case, the word about my pregnancy is out now. I've passed the news on to friends, family, students, parents of students, co-workers, even facebook... so it's all starting to feel more real than ever. Not to mention that fact that my belly is actually starting to pop... though I wasn't quite skinny enough in the first place for it to be obviously a pregnancy belly. At this point, it could still be mistaken by the general public as an "I ate too many jelly donuts" belly.

Things are exciting and moving fast. I can't wait for the end of the school year so that I can close that chapter of my life and eagerly begin to write the next chapter.

In any case, I will keep you posted.

Earthquakes

Since I have been living in San Diego, there have been several earthquakes. Up until yesterday, I had only felt one. And the one that I did feel was so minor, that I thought the tv table was shaking because I had accidentally run into it. I didn't realize what I had just experienced was an earthquake until I got on facebook later and noticed everyone's status updates.

I missed at least one earthquake because I was driving in my car and didn't feel it.

A few occurred in the middle of the night, and I slept like a little baby... right through them.

There was a big one on Easter Sunday, but I was on the East Coast and totally missed it. The only physical evidence I had of that earthquake was when I arrived home after my trip and found that a tequila bottle which had been residing on top of my refrigerator had crashed to the ground during the shake.

But yesterday, finally.... I experienced an earthquake. An earthquake that I realized was an earthquake. An earthquake that lasted just long enough for me to reconsider my decision to just sit it out on the couch.

I was lying on my couch yesterday morning, catching up on a few of my DVR'd shows... when suddenly... my kitchen cabinets started shaking. And then the ground under me started shaking. I had just enough time to realize it was an earthquake and freeze in my position. I also had enough time to consider the fact that sitting underneath a ceiling fan was probably not the safest place for me to be.

I mean, how many earthquake drills have I gone through at school? I am fully aware of the fact that during an earthquake I am supposed to take cover under a sturdy table OR find my way to the nearest wall, crouch next to it, and cover my neck and head. But I didn't do any of that. I sat there, watched my house shake, and contemplated the dangerousness of sitting underneath a ceiling fan during an earthquake.

My border collie came running into the room to check on the situation. I didn't see him, but I'm fairly convinced that my siberian husky did not blink an eye and continued to rest peacefully on my bed during the quake.

All in all, I can now say that I have fully experienced a true California earthquake. Now that I've experienced one, though, I can truthfully say that I will lead a happy and fulfilled life if I never experience one again.

River City

There's this thing in the world of military deployments. It's called River City. No, it's not a place. It's a term. A word used for an event that seems to be happening all too much for my taste this deployment.

River City means that all communication to the outside world is cut... for half a day.. a day.. a few days.. a week. It depends. Depends on the situation. Communication is cut to the outside world because a military person in the near vicinity has died and they don't want the family to find out through a random email or phone call. Instead, they wait until the family has been informed officially through the military and then communication goes back up and River City comes to an end.

During Michael's past deployments River City occurred once or twice. Nothing too horrendous. But, that was Iraq. Now that he's in Afghanistan? He goes into River City at least every other week if not weekly.

Last night, after being in River City for 2 days, he finally got the chance to call me. I asked him why they go into River City so much. He said because people keep dying. I said they need to stop dying.

Of course, I said that because I don't want to be out of communication with my husband for a week at a time. I don't want to wonder for days on end what the heck is going on and why I haven't heard from him. I'm being selfish though. Instead, I should be thanking my lucky stars that I'm not the one getting the official call from the military with the worst news imaginable.

I am counting my lucky stars that my husband has the desk job, not the going out into towns and doing dangerous things job. Believe me, though. I know he's not totally safe. I mean, I only need to be reminded of this fact every single time his communication goes down. He's in a dangerous place. But to be totally honest with you? My brain is physically unable to even GO THERE. This is why when he goes into River City I get annoyed and angry that another person has died and caused me to lose communication with my husband.

This is selfish of me, yes I know. But more than selfishness, it is survival pure and simple.

News

1. I eagerly look forward to my 8:00 pm bedtime every night.

2. The smell of my deodorant grosses me out.

3. Today, at the grocery store, a woman who smelled strongly of stale cigarettes stood a bit too close to me and I was forced to step away. I felt like I was going to gag.

What does all this mean?

I'm pregnant. Yes. Pregnant.

12 weeks pregnant, to be precise. I'm so close to being out of the 1st trimester danger zone that I can practically taste it.

On Wednesday, I had my first real check up and an ultrasound. During the ultrasound, I was able to see my baby bounce around like an Olympic gymnast. He or she did flip after flip after flip inside of my belly. My Midwife was amazed by the activity of my little 3 month fetus. She told me I'm going to have my hands full... I just laughed. Knowing the father, I'm not surprised in the least.

Of course, Michael is deployed. Which is not necesserily what you would call an ideal situation. However, in considering the alternative, I would prefer for Michael to miss out on me being miserable during pregnancy to him missing out on a huge portion of his child's early life. I'm due Nov. 27 -- he will plan to schedule his R&R 2 week break for around the due date so that even if he misses the birth (though I hope he does not) he will at least get to meet his baby before heading back for his last few months of deployment.

I will be breaking the news at work this week that I am pregnant and will not be returning next year. My dad is going to come out mid to late August and he will make the trek with the dogs and me back to the East Coast for the birth and first months of the baby's life.

Things are happening fast, and I couldn't be more happy and excited.

I could do with a bit more energy. Keeping up with the house and dogs and pool and yard are fairly difficult alone as it is.... Now I'm alone and pregnant, though... and a lot of things are being neglected. I hope for my energy to kick back into the normal range during my 2nd trimester so that I can get my life back in order.

Until then... I'm really not complaining. I am just thanking God every day for the healthy, acrobatic baby growing inside of my belly.

.... and now you know why it's been so long since I've posted.

:)

plea

Dear Foot,

Please heal quickly. We are exhausted from carrying your weight.

Sincerely,
Arms

Disaster Day

Well, today was a disaster.

When my alarm went off I actually said aloud, "I do NOT want to get up today."

Apparently, I knew what I was talking about. I really should not have gotten out of bed. Because, after getting ready for work, I stumbled over my own feet taking my trash out to the curb and badly sprained my foot.

At the moment it happened, I knew it hurt pretty bad, but I unrealistically thought the pain was only temporary and would go away. During my 40 minute ride to work, however, the pain only worsened. It spread from the initial point of injury to my entire foot and ankle. Pain. Pain. Pain.

I cried a few times in the car... I was very frustrated.

When I got to work I went to the secretary's office and asked her for a foot brace. She got me ice and something that resembled a brace (but was not) and immediately went to go tell the vice-principal about my injury. I made a copy and then went to see the vice-principal myself. She greeted me with, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

Hmm..
I went back to my classroom to make sure everything was in order for a sub... apparently I wasn't staying for long. And before the start of the school day I was back in my car headed back to my town to visit my doctor... who told me I have a bad sprain, need to use crutches and stay off my foot! She even had the nurse take me back to my car in a wheelchair. That was a first for me.

I've spent the rest of my day suffering on the couch and stumbling around with my crutches. I swear to you, if I'm clumsy enough to have hurt myself to the extent that I NEED the crutches, what makes you think I'm coordinated enough to use the crutches correctly?

Tomorrow when I go back to school I expect to roll around my classroom on my rolling desk chair and use the crutches as little as possible.

All in all, after this whole ordeal the only thing I am sure of is this: I should not have gotten out of bed this morning. No siree.

I'm Alive!

Wow.

So have I been MIA or what?

I bet all 5 of my loyal readers have been downright perturbed about my absence... or... possibly a little curious?

I don't really have much of an explanation about my absence. I just... haven't been writing. It's that simple.

I was on the East Coast for a week visiting mi familia. That was lovely. And I actually started a blog post about my adorable nephews when I got back from that trip but quit because I was writing on my mini-laptop and I generally suffer from writer's block when I use that thing. But I have my desktop computer up and running again, so here I am.

Back.

And let me tell you... my nephews are A-Dorable. I mean, you all know about Lucas and how he breaks my heart every time I am around him. He's so cute I can barely even stand it most of the time. He's definitely 4 going on 14, though.. which I hate. I want him to be a little kid forever, but he's waaaay too much of a big boy for that crap. Sometimes I call him a baby just to bug him because he ALWAYS responds with an ANGRY expression and in an even ANGRIER tone exclaims, "I'm NOT a BA-BY!"

He sure isn't.

Actually he schooled me on dinosaurs one day which was quite a humbling experience. I was trying to give him a very simple explanation and he interrupted me with facts about meteors, climate changes, and pal-en-tol-gists who dig up dinosaur bones and put them in museums. Okie Dokie. He's well on his way to beating me at Trivial Pursuit already, I see.

And Nathaniel? Or should I say, Baby Nathaniel (the REAL baby)... well, he's quite the little heartbreaker himself. Though he doesn't quite have the personality of his brother just yet, he is oh so much fun to hold and talk to. He will talk back to you if you catch him at the right moment. His baby smiles are darn cute, and I sure do miss that baby smell.

There was one thing about my East Coast visit that wasn't terribly pleasant. The pollen. I have always suffered from terrible allergies and this past visit was no picnic. I'm spoiled out here in the desert, I suppose.

In other news, the dogs and I are hanging in there. Or should I say here? I think they might be a little bit tired of hanging out with ME and only ME all the time, but they're being troopers for sure.

Mike seems to be doing well over there in Afghanistan. He is very busy which in my opinion is a good thing. My theory is that if he's busy he won't spend too much time missing home. He does seem to have high spirits, so I don't think I have much to worry about. He seems to be getting along with the other Marines and when I talk to him he cracks a lot of jokes and laughs a lot which is nice to hear. Communication hasn't been so great this deployment. He only has internet access through a couple of work computers that he shares with a bunch of other people. The time difference has us on totally different schedules.. when I'm awake, he's asleep when he's asleep, I'm awake. It'll be easier over the summer when I don't have a work schedule to work around, but for now we often have trouble catching each other online. Supposedly, he's going to be getting wifi in his room sometime in the near future, but I'm not exactly holding my breath for that one.

All in all, just about a month has gone by now and we both seem to be doing just fine. Of course, I miss his daily presence in my life, but I have grown pretty accustomed to being alone and not agonizing over his absence. This is only temporary. I did, however, send him a card recently in which I wrote, "I hope we can both agree that this will be your LAST deployment for a long time (if we have anything to say about it, that is)!!"

I'm sure he does agree.

In any case, thanks for coming back to see me even though I was gone for so long. I'll try not to do that to you again. I'm sure you must have been just agonizing over my absence. ;)

things and books

*Disclaimer: something weird is going on with my blog today and it won't allow me to use italics to properly indicate book titles. So, please don't judge me for the errors with book titles that you find below. Thank you and have a nice day.



To be perfectly honest with you, it's actually a bit frightening how easily I have slipped into the alone life again. Apparently I'm, like, a pro at it or something. After the initial shock of saying goodbye and all, I've been perfectly fine. I haven't even been concerned about crazy people stalking around the outside of my house in the nighttime hours. My dogs aren't even doing odd things like eating our couch. And, I haven't even had a teeny bit of insomnia.

I think I might be totally used to this. Weird.


In other recent news, I found out I won my sister's contest and will be handed a $50.00 Borders (or is it Barnes and Noble? oops!) giftcard when I see her over Easter. Truth be told, I feel really bad that I won it since I am her sister and all, but I know I won it fair and square and might possibly be her most loyal reader (since I check her blog repeatedly on some days in the hopes that she added something new since I last checked 10 minutes ago...) and.. where was I going with this? Oh, I wanted to tell you about how I am literally salivating over the idea of how to spend my newly acquired book money.

Speaking of books, lately my reading list has been 100% recommended by my students. I tend to trust them since they were, afterall, the ones who got me into Twilight. Recently, a few of them claimed that The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod series is better than Twilight. Well, that was a mighty bold claim indeed so I absolutely had to check that out immediately. I finished the first book, and, fellow Twihards, have no fear. Vladimir Tod has nothing on Edward and Bella. Though I have agreed to read the next few books before I pass total judgment since the students say the books only continue to get better and better. I shall see.

Other students swear by the Percy Jackson books and claim that they are better than Twilight, too. I highly doubt it, but I'll have to check those out when I'm finished with Vlad. I notice that the Percy Jackson series is one that is most frequented by 6th grade boys, so I have my doubts about its greatness. (Hmm.. that sounded wrong. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the reading taste of 6th grade boys, I'm just saying that we don't tend to have similar interests so I can't imagine we would fall in love with the same books.. but hey, you never know!)

Another student has been begging me to read the book The Shadow Club for weeks now. I brought it home with me today and am feeling torn between getting going on it and finishing the second book in the Vladimir Tod series.

All in all, I have to say that I honestly believe that the kids today (at least the kids at my school) are reading tons more than my friends and I ever did. And I actually read. A Lot. Or, what was a lot by the standards of kids back when I was one. I honestly attribute this to the amazing selection of novels for young adults these days.

Pretty cool.

Pity Party = Cancelled

Against all odds, I actually managed to survive my first day without Michael. It's practically a miracle.

It helped a bit that instead of waking up to my alarm, I woke up to a phone call from him. He's getting good. He used to call during all weird hours of the night with no regard to my schedule. This time he actually planned it out to call me right before my alarm went off. It was quite a lovely wake-up call.

In any case, I just signed on to say that I am officially cancelling my pity party. Despite the wretchedness of yesterday, I figured it wouldn't take me long to stop moping around about it. All it really took was a few moments at work. I'm telling you, it's literally impossible to dwell on personal matters while attempting to be in control of a room of angsty teenagers.

It's time to start thinking positive.

Here goes nothing...
1 day down, just 364 to go!

D-Day

8:30 am, Monday, March 22

So D-Day has arrived. Deployment Day, that is.

Michael's alarm is set to go off at 9:00 am and at that time we have a full list of errands to run before meeting on base this evening for his late night departure to Afghanistan.

Currently, I am enjoying a few moments of peace with my computer... something I do every morning before Michael wakes up. I figure, a last few moments of normalcy before my life gets flipped upside down is a good thing.

To be quite honest, though, I haven't managed to achieve real normalcy for about a week now because my damn stomach is just filled with knots that won't go away no matter how cool, calm, and collected I appear on the outside.

I've been on the verge of tears for the past few days. I cracked for a moment this morning when my mother-in-law left a kind voicemail on my phone. Actually, I am pretty nearly sure that all that would be required to unleash my waterworks would be a hug, a light squeeze, or possibly even a kind smile. Luckily, the only person here to give me any of those things is Michael, and for some reason I'm carrying around this crazy notion that I must stay strong for him. In actuality, he might appreciate a few tears to let him know, really know how much he will be missed.. but I am just not sure I can accommodate him in that way. So maybe the strong thing isn't really for him... maybe it's for me. Who knows.

In any case, we had a good weekend. During "Hurricane Pack For Deployment" (that is another blog post for another day), Michael dug up a tape recording we had made one college evening. We had gone out to a club with friends and came back and talked about the night on the tape. It is absolutely hilarious. It was a fun way to spend our last night together... reminiscing about the past and reflecting on the present. So much has changed yet so much has stayed the same.

I imagine that a year from now when Michael returns that same statement will be true. We will both undoubtedly grow and change over the next year. But we will still be the same Michael and Sarah... in love and ready to face our next adventure together.



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8:40 pm, Monday, March 22

Ugh.
Today was undoubtedly the longest and saddest day of my life to date. I don't know why, but this deployment my emotions are running rampant. I stated above that I was going to stay strong and not cry in front of Michael.... well, that lasted all of 5 minutes.

I pretty much cried all day. Randomly. Between bursts of laughter and regular conversation I would suddenly find myself dripping wet stuff from my eyes. I wasn't sobbing or anything of the sort. It was more like a constant flow of water from my eyes, as though I had a leaky pipe.

And now he's gone.
Ugh.

My mom told me to pull over if I had to cry on my way home from dropping him off on base, but the truth of the matter is that I would never have made it home had I listened to her advice. I'm pretty sure I ran through all the stages of grief on the 20 minute ride home . I even yelled angrily at the world for a moment. I felt better afterward.

The 3 things that were the most difficult for me today were:
1) When Michael said goodbye to the dogs
2) When the bus finally pulled away
3) When I pulled into the garage and walked into the house

Actually, I'm pretty sure I traumatized my border collie. I was crying so hard when I walked in the house that he came and sat on my lap.... and he shook and shook and shook. He shook so bad I decided it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself or he was going to be emotionally disturbed for life. I tried to put on a happy face, but apparently I didn't fool him because just a few minutes later I found him curled into a ball underneath our bed.. that's his hiding place and it's not easy for him to get in there so he must've really wanted to get away from me. Poor guy.

So that was my day. It f-ing blew. But tomorrow I will wake up and it will be a new day. I look forward to tomorrow.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock

For the 2nd time this week, I compared the countdown to deployment to the countdown of a death row inmate. I was telling Michael to plan his meals carefully since they will be his last... we laughed about it. Then, he commiserated with the death row inmate saying he knows why they're so calm when they take those final steps to their death; they have been waiting around so long with this death thing over their heads they just want to get on with it already. It's the same for deployment. It was one of our more interesting (odd?) conversations, I'll give you that.

As much as we are pros at this whole thing, clearly this process never gets easy. I'm at the point now that I want him to stay, but at the same time just want to get this whole saying goodbye thing over with already because the anticipation of it is absolutely dreadful.

When I feel myself drowning in a cloud of depression I catch myself and drag myself back out. Yes, this year will be lonely. Yes, life without Michael is no fun whatsoever. Yes, it exhausts me just thinking of keeping up with the house, yard, pool, bills, trash, dogs, and cars alone. But, yes, I can do it. I am mighty woman. Hear me roar!

Or something like that.

I went through a little phase last weekend where I was an emotional wreck. I had a not-so-great evening with Michael and friends and the next day I had my first ever awful parent-teacher conference. Awful, as in, I got yelled at by a mother and was too rattled by the experience to defend myself properly. Luckily, my principal was there and stepped in on my behalf. Afterwards, I felt terrible for all the complaining I have done about my principal. She sure saved my butt that day. In any case, all that drama in such a short period of time added to the fact that the clock is ticking on Michael's departure, and I was a bit of an emotional train wreck. I actually cried in front of some of my co-workers which is a first and hopefully a last for me. I. Do. Not. Like. Crying. In. Front. Of. People. Especially not people I work with!

My next post will more than likely be some sort of picture of Michael with all of his gear heading off to Afghanistan. If you are the praying sort of person, do me a favor and keep us (but mostly him) in your prayers. Pray for his quick and safe return. And if you have an extra moment pray for my sanity, too.

Thanks, I do appreciate it.

My Deployment Necklace

This necklace is special. Not just because every time I wear it in public I am stopped regularly (by the check out lady at the grocery store, by the person selling make-up at the mall, by just about everyone you can possibly imagine) to tell me how much they like it. Which they do. Like it. No, actually, I take that back. They love it. Everybody loves it.

I do, too.

But this necklace means more to me than just a pretty accessory that draws a lot of attention and goes with everything.

This necklace was made as per my specifications and request, and I wore it every single day during Michael's last deployment. If your eyesight isn't so great these days, I'll save you the trouble of squinting and tell you that the necklace has on it my military wife motto: love makes the ride worthwhile.

Perfect. True. Awesome.

During Mike's first deployment to Iraq he went as a pilot, and because pilots can't wear rings while flying (there's a silly hazard of losing fingers or something like that) I wore his wedding ring on a chain around my neck for the duration. It was important to me to keep a constant reminder of him with me during the deployment.

When he decided to wear his ring for his 2nd deployment (being that he wasn't flying and all), I had to think fast, which is when I went HERE and ordered that amazing necklace you see pictured above.

Shortly after Michael returned from Deployment #2 the chain broke and the necklace has taken residence in my jewelry box ever since. With Deployment #3 looming in my very near future (don't remind me!), I figure it's about time I resurrect my special deployment necklace, dust it off (or, actually, it needs a good polishing), and send it back HERE to have the chain fixed so it will be ready to be donned proudly around my neck for the next year.

I honestly think it doesn't get any more perfect than this necklace. It states my feelings perfectly and succinctly. I mean, I don't want to lose my husband for huge chunks of time as he works in war-torn countries, and I certainly don't love it. But I can handle it. I might even have to go as far as to say it's worth it.... because I just love him so darn much!

Exhibits A, B, & C

Our husky surveying his new yard...


Who wants to play?

Not the best picture, what with the sunspot and all, but you get the idea. The dogs = love the new grass.

Btw, if you have never seen my husky before and upon looking at these pictures didn't immediately think to yourself, "that dog is skinny!" that means the new dog food is well worth the $$ because he's chunking up!

Btw again.. next project? Stain the fence. Mom are you and dad up for helping me with that this summer?

Synthetic Turf a.k.a. Fake Grass

If you live on the East Coast and don't own any dogs you are probably going to think that what I am about to tell you is crazy. It's okay. I thought it was crazy, too. At first.

Michael and I are forking over a very sizeable chunk of change for synthetic turf in our backyard. Actually, the really crazy thing is that 90% of our backyard is either concrete patio or pool. Only a small fraction of one side of our yard is grass... or should I say dirt. So, we are forking over a very sizeable chunk of change for a very small portion of our backyard to be turned into sythentic turf. And I couldn't be more excited about it.

You see, keeping grass growing in the backyard has been nothing short of impossible. Only months after we moved in, our border collie dug up the lovely underground sprinkler system we had going back there. Sprinkler system? you East Coasters are probably wondering. Yes. Sprinkler system. If you live in San Diego you absolutely must have a sprinkler system... if you want to have grass that is.

Even so, we thought we'd manage without it. We did it the old-fashioned way at first... you know... we used a sprinkler that actually connected to a hose and that we had to turn on and off ourselves. But we weren't so great about remembering to turn it on. That coupled with the fact that our dogs are maniacs and run around like crazy and our lovely grass area turned to mud.

Mike re-sodded the area exactly twice. And it turned back to mud exactly twice, mostly when he was on deployment, and I wasn't doing such a spot-on job of keeping up with the yard on my own.

Mike swore that he would not waste another weekend of his life re-sodding our backyard.

I swore that I would not stand for another rainy day with the dogs tracking muddy footprints into the house, nor could I bear to look out at our utterly disgusting muddy pit we had once called grass.

It was quite a predicament indeed.

I set my sights on synthetic turf months ago. In my mind, I figured it would cost about half of what it actually ended up costing. But, really? After I got over the shock of the exorbitant cost for a few square feet of fake grass I realized that it is what I want. More than anything else, I just want to have grass in my backyard. I don't even care if it's fake.

The great things about synthetic turf are: 1. DUH. You don't have to mow it. Ever. Again. A huge plus for people like us who don't enjoy the idea of an afternoon working in the yard. 2. They claim that dogs can't dig it up. They actually have a warranty that covers it incase dogs have super dog digging strength and manage to put a hole in it. Therefore, NO unsightly holes in the backyard. How many dog owners can say that? 3. Did I mention you don't have to mow it? Or pull weeds? Or weedwhack. yes. It is awesome. I cannot wait.

Also? My lovely community offers special rebates for putting in synthetic turf. You see, San Diego County is in this awful water shortage situation and they are really promoting what they deem to be environmentally friendly synthetic turf. Yay!

So there you have it. I'll have to post a picture when it's all finished so you can see how it turns out.