Frustration

Deployment.
Ugh.
4 months down... 8 to go.

I try not to think about the daunting amount of time that stretches out before us. I try to focus on the present. I try not to get frustrated with communication. I try not to worry about Michael's emotional well-being. I try.

It's not easy, though.

Frustrating is the best word I can use to describe it. It's frustrating to wait days for a response to a simple question. It's frustrating hanging up the phone and then thinking of 10 things you forgot to mention or talk about. It's frustrating waiting around all day for an email that never comes. It's frustrating talking to your husband on the phone when he is sitting in a room full of marines and never, ever having a completely private phone conversation. It's frustrating just not having him here.

There are times when I get so frustrated, I literally have to do a body shake and shake myself out of it.

Most of the time I am really great at living in the present. During those times, a one-line email simply stating "I'm ok and I love you" is enough for me. During those times, I am content living this alone life knowing that soon enough this whole deployment will be a distant memory and we will be reunited once again. During those times, I know that this deployment is what is enabling us to be financially secure as I quit my job and prepare to be home with this baby... and I am thankful to Michael for making this sacrifice for his family. During those times, life is grand and I am lucky to have such a committed and devoted husband.

During the other times, though? the times when I jump out of bed in the morning expectantly scanning my email for something from Mike and finding nothing. The times when the phone rings and I hope to God it's Mike.. but it's not. The times when something happens and I just wish I could talk to him about it... a funny commercial that I want him to laugh at with me.. an important question about our medical insurance. The times when I ask him questions on the phone that he refuses to answer bc there are other people around and he can't talk about it...

Those are the times of frustration.