I wasn't really expecting it, but Christmas without him last year was rather hard on me.
And since all signs seem to be pointing to a year-long upcoming deployment, it appears as though we are going to have to endure another holiday season apart next year.
I've been putting all thought about said upcoming deployment out of my mind for as long as possible, but with all the downtime I've had lately it keeps pushing its way into my brain.
Once again, my future is a mystery.
The questions that have been plaguing me lately are as follows:
*Will Michael leave in March or April?
*When will we be able to schedule a trip East to visit my soon-to-be nephew?
*Will he deploy for a year or 6 months?
*If he deploys for a year will I stay in San Diego or head East?
*If I head East who will watch over our house while I'm gone?
*If I head East who will take the roadtrip with me?
*Should I pursue my Masters Degree while he's gone or get some temporary job?
and last but certainly not least,
*Am I Ever going to get PREGNANT?!
**And.. if I do get pregnant before he leaves that just leads me to an entirely different and more complex list of questions to ponder.
The thing about all of these questions/dilemmas is that I simply have to wait to find out. It's impossible to know when the Marine Corps will give Michael his departure date. And nothing has been written in stone about the length of the deployment, but Michael just keeps telling me to plan for a year b/c then 6 months will be a pleasant surprise.
If I get pregnant I get pregnant; if I don't I don't. I've already pretty much just decided it's not going to happen. I mean working with a time limit is certainly not the best circumstances for this kind of thing. And I figure that as far as that goes, things are going to happen how they're meant to. If it doesn't happen in the next couple of months then it wasn't meant to be. period.
And, as far as the rest of my questions are concerned, these are not things that need to be figured out today... or even before he deploys. I can't go anywhere or do anything before the end of the school year anyway... and I've pretty much decided that I want to stick around here until the end of the summer no matter what so as not to put a good pool restoration to waste.
Everything else will happen as it will; I know this. Most of the time I'm okay with it, too. It's just that every now and then I get to thinking about all of the question marks hanging in the air and it starts to drive me a bit mad.
One thing I know for sure, though, is that all of my current question marks will be answered one way or another in the year 2010.
So now I feel I must apologize b/c I set out to attempt an upbeat/happy/thankful post and ended up burdening you all with my anxieties about the coming year.
Despite appearances, I am very excited about the new year. I swear! I am! I have always loved the anticipation of the new year... all of the mystery that a new year brings. There's no way of telling what will happen this year - what I will be able to look back on a year from now. It's intriguing, the mystery of it all.
In case I don't have a chance to stop in again between now and January 1, I wish you all an incredible 2010. Thanks for stopping by every now and then and withstanding my random ranting and rambling.
In closing, I will leave you with my absolute favorite and totally appropriate for this post quote:
Blessed are the flexible for they will not be broken.
Amen.
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