one door closes..

Ugh.
I don't actually even know where to begin to explain the situation that is currently plaguing my mind, but I will do my best. You see, last year at this very time, an important friendship in my life was coming to a close. My friend turned into someone that I no longer recognized, and it came to a point where the drama she was adding to my life was more than I could handle with everything ELSE going on in my life at the time (see: my mom's cancer & my husband's deployment). At the time, I made the conscious decision to walk away from that situation and her.

I have not ever regretted my decision; because, I know I did what I had to do at the time for MYSELF. I have, however, missed my friend. a lot. So, I wrote her an email this October and basically said I hoped she was well, I will always care about her, and I was sorry we weren't able to be there *for each other* when we were both going through a tough time.

She did not write back. I was not surprised, but I was glad I wrote the email anyway for my own closure. Well... yesterday (two months after my initial email) I received something in my inbox from her. It was surprising how little it affected me. Her words didn't surprise me either. Basically she said that I abandoned her when she needed me and I treated her like she was a disease.. and that it was obvious that I never needed her in my life since I was doing fine in my life. and bla bla bla. *ugh.

So, I wrote back and told her that I wasn't proud of my actions, but that if I had to do it all over again, I would do the exact same thing. I said I did what I had to do at the time for myself, and that's life. I said no, she was right, I NEVER needed her, but friendship isn't about (nor should it be) need.. it's about want. I wanted her friendship in my life. I said I missed her and that it's a true tragedy in my life to have lost the person who I once considered to be my best friend. I told her she can hate me forever if she wants, that's her choice. and I hope that she has a nice christmas.

She wrote back and said, "it's ok, i'm not tripping over it. have a nice christmas" -- It was after THAT message that I got mad. angry. pissed off. If I thought it would do any good I would have called and yelled at her. Instead, I just wrote back and said "I don't understand your or your strange message." I said, "but I don't know what I expected anyway since yes, I miss the person you were but I don't think you are that person anymore, nor have you been for quite a while." I said, "You say you don't care about any of this, yet in your last email you blamed me, (and all of our other friends) for turning our backs on you -- but I want you to take a minute and remember how things really went because you were the one who turned your back on us first." I said, "I am truly sad about everything that has happened, and i am not afraid to admit it." and I said, "but what's done is done.. you're right.. and we can't change it.. so have a wonderful life."

and that.. for me.. was the final closing of the door. I'm over it. I wish she could be the person I remember her to be, but she is not. I wish she could see role that she has played. I wish she could have been there for me when I needed her to be, and I do wish I could have been there for her when she needed me. But, none of these things happened; therefore, what's done is done. We couldn't be friends again even if we both wanted it very badly. Sad, but true.

So. goodbye Holly. The Holly I knew was the person who built herself into something from nothing. I was amazed by that Holly. but, the Holly you are now is a Holly who feels the need to destroy everything good in your life. I'm so sorry that is how it is, but it is. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I will always miss the person you were and the friendship we had.