Words and Feelings

There are pictures of Sawyer that are difficult for me to look at now. He looks so skinny. So tiny. It hurts to see them. I think to myself, how did I not know? How did I miss this? How?

I remember the first time someone mentioned to me that he looked small. It was my dear 75-year-old friend from the school I taught at. She picked him up and said, "He's small for his age, isn't it?"

"No." I immediately responded. "He's long and lean according to his pediatrician."

But her words echoed inside my mind for days. weeks. She was, afterall, mother to 8 kids and grandmother to many more. Wouldn't she know? It struck a nerve. Maybe I did know there was something off with his growth then and I just wasn't ready to admit it. I don't know.

I do know that the words people have used to describe him since the hospital have often been stabs straight to the heart. "Oh. What a little PEANUT!" someone once said. 

"He looks just like Michael when he was a baby," explained Mike's sister to her husband. "Except Michael was much chubbier. Imagine a chubby Sawyer and that was Michael."

These comments struck me right to the core. They meant nothing by them. They couldn't possibly have known how sensitive I was and how carefully they needed to tread so as not to hurt my feelings.

So when we took Sawyer in for his endocrinology appointment and the doctor walked in and immeidately proclaimed him to look just fine AND the lab tech drawing his blood went on and on and ON about his chubby thighs, I sang on the inside.

When we introduced him to our new neighbor, she exclaimed, "What a big boy!"

Mike and I exchanged a look of stunned silence. "We don't hear that very often," Mike responded.

"Really?" she said. "My kids were all tiny, skinny little things. Look at those legs!"

I could have hugged her.

.......................................................
But it isn't over yet. Maybe this will be an ongoing, forever struggle with my little man. He doesn't eat enough formula. Often he makes up for that by eating a lot of "solids", but not always. I still panic and fret and mentally bang my head against a wall.

Sure he's doing fine now, but he could easily get back to that place. That unhealthy place of low percentiles and frightening statistics. He comes back anemic in every blood test he's ever had, and I know. I know it's because he doesn't eat enough of what he needs to eat and that's the nutrition-packed-formula. I feel helpless and afraid. I feel alone in this battle. No one can help. Of all the doctors we have seen, no one has been able to give me the magic answer. Sometimes Sawyer just refuses, and there's nothing anyone can do.

I always knew that motherhood would be heartbreaking and challenging, but I never fathomed the extent of it.

It's tough.
It's the love that makes it so difficult, though. It's because he is my world that I struggle so much with his eating and growing problems. I so desperately just want him to be healthy.

He is happy, though. Always has been. And for as often as I fret and want to bang my head up against a wall with frustration I laugh and smile 50 times more. It's an interesting business - this parenting stuff. Interesting indeed.

Looking Forward...

The time has come again for me to spend the Christmas holidays away from my family. It wasn't quite as difficult as I anticipated it would be the first time around, but this time I get the distinct feeling it will be a little bit harder since... well... SAWYER.

 

I am excited about this Christmas vacation for a very different reason, though. This year, we are spending Christmas at Mike's parents' house in Florida. An hour away from Orlando.

 

Are you with me, people?

Yeah. That's right. This Christmas holiday come hell or high water I am going to THE HARRY POTTER THEME PARK! Heck yeah!

 

I have been wanting to go to this theme park since it opened, and my silver lining in spending Sawyer's first conscious Christmas (sure he was around last year, but he slept through everything. He was only a few weeks old) away from mi familia is that I FINALLY GET TO GO. WAHOO.

 

My favorite Harry Potter movie will forever be the first one. Why? Because I clearly remember sitting in the theater in complete awe of the world I read about in the books coming to life before me. Now I get to actually walk around in that world? Too cool.

 

Not sure if I should admit this in writing either, but I will most likely leave the park with a class sweater (Gryffindor, of course) or my very own wand. Annnnd, don't be too surprised if Sawyer is all garbed up in some sort of Harry Potter gear soon thereafter. Just saying. It's a strong possibility.

 

It's always fun to have something exciting to look forward to, and Christmas will be here before we know it.

:)

 

Home?

Mike and Sawyer in front of our SC home

I definitely had a nervous breakdown when I first got here. The stress of the past month(s) with Sawyer's health issues had me on the edge and the fleas sent me flying right over it into oblivion.

Besides the fleas, I was disheartened to realize that my neighborhood did not, afterall, include the built in/immediate bestest friends I had been daydreaming about. And then I went to an officers' spouses' get-together for the base where Mike works, at which I quickly discovered that no one there lives in the same base housing community we live, and I was heartbroken to say the least.

I even considered moving. again. to a different house in a different neighborhood. which shows you how desperate I was because I cannot tell you how much I freaking hate unpacking. And the house was already 75% unpacked.

It was those darn expectations that got me again. Expectations are the very worst if you ask me, because they almost always set me up for major disappointment.

I think it was the day that Sawyer and I took a walk to the playground behind our house. It is right on the bay. To the left is a fishing pier. To the right is an adorable little picnic area and along the bay are porch style swings where you can sit and enjoy the view. Sawyer and I spent some time swinging and looking. It was peaceful and picturesque.

I decided then.
This neighborhood does have something to offer. I feel safe here. I will give this place a chance.

I'll let you know how it goes.
For now, this place feels more and more like home every day.

My MoM

I have a vivid memory from my childhood of my mom hanging me upside down by my feet in the ocean. I remember being afraid to let her do it and making her promise that she would lift me up before a wave came. In my memory she didn't, and I ended up with a face full of salt water.

She adamantly denies that this ever happened. In my old age, I am starting to believe that maybe it didn't. It's the hanging me upside down by my feet part of the memory that is a bit suspicious.  Probably I just got knocked over by a wave, blamed her, and my imagination ran away with itself inventing this much more interesting story.

It's a joke between us now.  If ever I make a stupid mothering mistake, my mom will quickly quip, "Well, at least you didn't hang him upside down in the ocean!" Indeed.

It was my mom's birthday on the 10th. Don't ask me how old she is because I stopped counting a long time ago. In my mind, she will always be 40.

This post was meant to be finished on her birthday... but it wasn't...

Like all things that are very close to my heart, it is hard for me write about her... because... it just is.

In my adult life she has become one of my most cherished confidants. I was thinking about this yesterday and realized that this all came about during one of the hardest times of both of our lives. Mike was deployed, my mom had breast cancer, I was living in San Diego and commuting 45 minutes each way to work. I began calling her every day on my drive home. I needed someone to talk to. Or, maybe being so far away from her during such an important and terrible time in her life made me need to talk to her.Who knows, maybe she needed to talk to me too. It became part of our lives. Funny that out of such a dark time, something so amazing blossomed.

Now when anything happens big or small, I get the itch to call my mom. When I was first here in South Carolina without phone or internet for a few days, my mom told me she was going into withdrawal. There was just something not right about not talking to each other for so long.

My mom is always busy - but never fails to make time for her kids.
She is mother to many more people than just the 3 of us. Many people look to her for guidance and support. As listeners go, she is the best. As nurturers go, she is supreme. When you are down and out and need someone to be there to take care of you in any kind of way she will be there... to fold your laundry and wash your dishes if you just need some organization in your life. To listen to your endless complaining if you simply need a sounding board. She is able to sift through what you say - keeping the important things and instantly forgetting those things that you said but didn't mean.. To hang a curtain that suddenly makes your house feel like home.. To tell you things that sometimes you don't want to hear but it's important that you do. To make you feel special and interesting and loved.

At least, these are the things she does for me. These and much much more.

Happy Birthday, Mom. Belated. Some day I will figure out how to properly thank you for all that you have done for me - especially lately. For now, this will have to do.

Love
Sarah

sigh. of. relief.

We traveled an hour and half to Charleston, SC to see a pediatric endocronologist this afternoon.  Our new pediatrician was not completely confident that Sawyer's problem was solved when we had his 9 month check-up last week. Even though his head circumference jumped to the 50th percentile and his weight percentile was also going up (slowly, but surely), his height percentile was continuing to drop.

Really, I think that this Nurse Practicioner did not want to be the one responsible for an ALL CLEAR diagnosis after Sawyer had been on such a long road.

So we went. Tired at this point of doctors who are unsure. Who want to run test after test after test. Drawing blood from our little man who barely makes a peep every time a needle is stuck into his tiny little arm.

Personally, I felt good about going to see a specialist. Finally, I thought, someone who will know exactly what the heck he is talking about and will give us answers with assurance on his side. I was right.

The lovely doctor we went to see today assured us that he is not at all concerned about Sawyer's weight at this point (according to their scales he had gained a pound since his appointment only last week! why can't there be a universal scale because darnit one pound makes a heck of a lot of difference!!). He is now almost in the 50th percentile for weight! My heart soared when he gave me those numbers.

As far as Sawyer's height, he's not too concerned about that either. He theorizes that either a) Sawyer's height is just lagging a bit behind his weight and head percentile now that he is starting to pack on the pounds - he said that just as it is the height that is the last to go when a baby is not thriving, it can also be the last to come back up when the baby begins to thrive again.  or b) Sawyer's height has simply been dropping to its normal resting place at approximately the 25th percentile.  He does believe that Sawyer is meant to be tall-ish, but said that he might not shoot up until puberty. Basically, what he gave us was something no one else has been able to yet: assurance. Our baby is OK.  (Also, this doctor walked in and immediately gave him the award for cutest patient of the day. We kind of liked him a lot after that).

He does want to follow-up in four months to make sure that Sawyer is continuing to grow at an acceptable rate and he did notice something from Sawyer's last blood tests that he wanted to re-test. He said it's possible it's not an accurate reading and that happens a lot, but if it was an accurate reading it would be something that he would want to look into.

Overall, though, he had us leaving feeling better than we've felt in a long time.

And the blood draw today? It took about 10 seconds. The lady was awesome, and I am sure Mike and I made her day as we praised her over and over and over for her amazing blood-drawing-skills.

I pray that we don't get a call from that doctor telling us that what he noticed in Sawyer's blood tests really is something.  Hopefully we can then begin to close this door for a little while and move on with the knowledge that we have a healthy and happy little man on our hands.

Also, just 5 minutes ago, Sawyer pulled himself up to a standing position for the very first time.  It was the one thing his primary care pediatrician kept asking about last week... and now he did it. 
He never ceases to amaze us.
He's just the very very best.

And Then...

Our time in Pennsylvania was... relaxing. too short. just right. all of the above.

It got a little bit exciting thanks to the earthquake during which I seriously considered the idea that the world just might be ending.... and got even more interesting when the hurricane that I was trying desperately to ignore had us rushing south a day earlier than planned to avoid bad weather and horrific traffic.

It's funny. I was incredibly nervous about the car ride and it was totally easy breezy and carefree. We made great time. Sawyer was his content little self the entire ride. He even ate. Awesome.

When we got to our house, though... we placed Sawyer on the floor of the room we deemed to be his and.... what's that black speck on his face? and that one? what's that you say? fleas? FLEAS! a;lsdkjfa;sldfjadlkjasdlfjasd;ljfkaljkdf!!!!!!!!!

I'm thinking about opening a pest control company because I'm basically an expert on the topic now.
I kid, but it was actually horrendous. We arrived at our house Friday evening and doncha know our moving company was scheduled to arrive with our furniture promptly on Monday morning and it was the weekend so how the heck were we supposed to get the housing people to take care of this problem before our furniture arrived and became flea infested too!

Also. At our house. We have no AT&T cell phone reception.
which pretty much meant no contact with the outside world since phone, internet, and cable weren't scheduled to be set up until Wednesday...

So I kind of had a nervous breakdown. And the fact that Mike and I got through that weekend and are still married and in fact speaking to each other is a testament to the fact that I'm feeling pretty confident that we can survive anything. for realz.

We sprayed the carpet of the main offending room. We did an all natural carpet powder in that same room. We still found a few fleas hopping around. We bug bombed the house... About which I had another nervous breakdown because I'm pretty sure Sawyer is going to get cancer or develop autism or something equally upsetting because of all the chemicals he has been exposed to (no he wasn't in the house when we did this; we stayed at a hotel. I just can't imagine, though, that those chemicals go disappearing into thin air in 24 hours). Then that morning before the movers got there a pest control guy came and sprayed the house. This was the housing company's weak contribution to the solution of this problem. The housing lady then came in and walked from room to room in her white socks and proclaimed the problem to be solved. We are flea free. Hallelujah. From what I read, though, (I am very well read on this topic, believe you me) it's not uncommon for you to think the fleas are gone and then have another outbreak of them in a few weeks. The reason for this is quite interesting if you're into that kind of thing, so I won't bore you with the details. The only way to really get rid of them is diligent cleaning and diligent dousing the heck out of them with chemicals. done and done.

*crossing my fingers and praying for the best.

*asd;flkajsd;flkajsdf;lkajdsf;lkjasf!!!!!

for realz.

Mike's mom tells a story about when they moved to 29 Palms, CA. If you've never been there, take it from me: it's a desert wasteland. She says she cried as they pulled in and she cried as they pulled out. The lesson being, it is what you make it. The fleas and the not having any contact with the outside world may have clouded my vision about this place a bit at first. The clouds have begun to part, though, and I'm starting to see that this could be a nice place to call home for a few years. I will keep you posted.